[BlueMoon6]

Im not sure where to post this. I guess here. I am working on some heavy things in therapy. Abuse and mother things. I have an ED and my weight drops, but at this point it is the lowest it has been in a long time and I know I cannot do this, but I cannot put more food in my stomach than this. It makes me feel so out of control.

I cannot weigh what I weigh. I look horrible and drawn and pale. Of course, I like to feel every bone in my body, but this is not healthful living. It is using a very negative way to cope with difficult feelings. But I know it is also dangerous on some level. If I could at least eat more and gain a little, Id try to be OK with it and struggle with those feelings, but I am afraid to even go there with all of the other stuff coming up in therapy. This is my control, my feeling that everything is OK. And I am OK and not worthless.

I thought Id post, hoping for a miracle answer, thanks for listening.....

[eskielover]

No miracle answer, but I understand how you are feeling. Stress causes me to feel so horrible & sick that I can't eat without feeling sick & I can't stand getting sick to my stomach......so I don't eat when I feel that way. Like you, it also gives some feeling of being in control of something when we feel in control of nothing.

I ended up at a very unhealthy weight after going through a trauma & ended up in the medical hospital with a central line & IV nutrition to make it through that time when I couldn't eat. After that, I tried to eat a little bit many times a day & I ate only the things that I liked (oatmeal cookies). It took me over a year to gain to a safe weight. Weight gain was much slower than the weight going off.

I know for me, when I maintain the safe weight, it can go up a little, but with the way my body handles stress, it will always maintain the weight that I really feel comfortable at. Never want to gain ....have my ideal weight that keeps me functioning without passing out, & yet just above the minimum too low weight. Only problem is that there is no reserve if something really hits such as being sick. It is a fine line when living alone.

Hopefully you can find that minimum safe weight where you can have enough reserve to handle the therapy & still stay well. Just above the minimum BMI seems to be my safe place. I know I was all wrinkles & skin & bone, pale & hair like straw. I looked like my 90+ year old grandma at my worst....nothing pretty about that for sure. Once at my safe weight, it's much better & I can function safely around my horses & safely alone to care for myself without getting so shakey that I can't even cook for myself without passing out.

Hope maybe you can find that safe weight that can fluctuate a few pounds & still stay well & strong enough to handle the therapy. Even if you go up a few pounds, your therapy will take it down again....so think there is nothing to really worry about

No miracle reply, but hope it will help a little
Debbie

[BlueMoon6]

Thank you Debbie- this was really very helpful. I dont have any reserve. I never thought of it that way. reserve for therapy.
Thank you-