[Broken Wings]

i'm fat. i'm way too fat. i need to be thin. i just ate a ton today. like a quarter of a pizza (180 calories), like ten pizza rolls (300 calories), chex mix (100 calories), and some pretzels (100 calories). i went to the gym and burned off a little over two hundred calories. I also threw some of it up. but i feel so bad. so guilty. like all the work that i've accomplished is gone. i have nothing to look forward to, nothing to be happy about. i'm fat. i'm huge. i wanna hurt myself. cut myself? swallow pills? i think i'll starve myself for the next couple of days to make up for the amount of calories i swollowed today. it's horrible. i'm fat. i don't have therapy for a week still. i don't think she can help. she understands but she tells me i'm not fat (along with other people) but i just don't see it. what is wrong with me?

[eskielover]

A normal healthy diet is over 1500,,,,,,I only count 680.....that isn't even enough to keep a bird alive in the winter.

Think about what you are saying in reality. I know it feels that way, but it's important to hold onto the truth.....& there is only one truth....it takes so many calries for the body to function....without those calories, it starts to break down & slowly quit.

A car runs out of gas, it dies right in the middle of the freeway.....is that really what you want to do to yourself?

I understant the false information that is contantly fed into our minds with the desire to loose weight & knowing that to loose weight we have to cut calories,
Here is an interesting site that can give you an indication of what the calories are needed to live, to loose & to gain.......check it out & see where you really stand.
http://nutrition.about.com/od/change...a/calguide.htm

Hope you can find the actual calory count for you to stay healthy & then fight your mind that is lying to you.

I struggle with low weight too & there are many times that I don't eat enough calories a day to stay healthy (not because I think I am fat)...just don't feel like eating or cooking or can't figure out what I feel like eating so I don't....all stupid reasons for not eating, but it happens......not good self care......which is what we really have to aim for.

I have been way below a safe body weight......what it does to the body is horrible....not even that but it's ugly....I looked like a walking skeleton....somehow there is no beauty to that.

Hope you can get hold of your feelings & gain control on this. Sadly, with anorexia & all the other ED's, the only one that can get control is outself....the only one that can make us want to be well is ourself.

Please take care & think about your health as the #1 issue. I have found that there is a weight that is safe & that I still look thin at.....it's that balance point that we need to find.

Best wishes
eskielover

Take a deep breath, and just breath in and out slowly a coupl eof times. You are not going to die becuase of the food you've consumed. Even though you may be feeling some self hate, try to realize/think about why you feel like this. Where are these pressures coming from? Yourself, medias idea of what beauty is, an obsession with food, parental/family influences? Possibly more than one of the latter? Just breathe, and realize that you'll be ok. don't let the world pressure you to the point that you feel like dying for not fitting into a box- most people don't believe in societie's 'accepted' view of what is beautiful. It may be hard to believe, but I'm seeing proof of that more and more as I get older. =)

[last_stanza]

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL
except i have less willpower