[Martina]

I don't know if I even have an eating disorder or not, no one wants to diagnose me. I'm not normal. I binge, but I don't purge. But I probably don't binge enough. I don't know.

I joined Weight Watchers again on Monday. I really was going to make this a fresh start. I'm at my top weight again - 240 pounds (actually my top was 244). I was going to track everything I ate this week and really stick to it.

I have screwed up EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.

All day long I was thinking about food, I couldn't get it out of my brain. I felt compelled to go get some. It's like I couldn't shut it off. I couldn't stop it. I just HAD to eat it. It didn't even taste good. I wasn't even hungry.

Why do I do this to myself?

What is wrong with me?

[matt c]

Hi Martina,

What sources of emotional support do you have to draw upon? You sound like you feel you are on your own with this. I know you say no-one wants to diagnose you. With eating disorders there are strict diagnostic criteria, but being the human beings that we are, we don’t all fit into these boxes. Some docs are just more ‘by the book’ than others. Not that’s helping you at the moment.

You say that you are thinking about food all day long, and are trying Weight Watchers (which I know is all about healthy eating, points & all that, but so often, eating problems are not about the food!) so what about support with how you are feeling / your psychological needs..looking at whats going on behind this apparent constant need for food?

To find some help, you could take a look at organisations like http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org as they have searchable databases for either support groups or one-to-one. Also a helpline: (toll free) 800-931-2237. Or take a look at the sticky resources posts above… http://www.something-fishy.org/ gets a lot of mentions.

Id like to hear more about what you are doing when you say you cant get it out of your brain. Trying NOT to think about something just makes us think about it all the more. Sometimes, paying attention to our thoughts, accepting those thoughts and feelings, and working out what they are actually trying to do for us, to tell us, is more helpful in bringing us some peace.
And that’s where a good counsellor or therapist can really help. And time.

Anyway..Im sure you know you are not on your own in this, and please post back to let us know how things are going.

Matt C

[whoswho]

Reading your post really breaks my heart. I've struggled with food and my weight pretty much my entire life. In fact, I live with a family of bingers and over-eaters, but I just happen to be the only one that purges... Sometimes taking a step back and analyzing what causes you to binge can be a good first step. Are you anxious? lonely? depressed? angry? I can honestly tell you that for me, anxiety is a major binge trigger for me. Also, try to determine what your "trigger" food is. For instance, my brother buys candy and salty snacks, like potato chips; my dad sticks to ice cream and cinnamon rolls; and my biggest setback is just plain old bread and butter.

I think, once you've identified what sets you off, it's easier to watch out for it. I know that at once time, I honestly couldn't tell you if a binge episode was coming on until after the fact, and that guilt led me to purge. Now I can usually see them coming and, even if I still end up binging, I can off-set it a little and the binge isn't as bad as it would've been. Now that I've got that idea into my head, it's easier to make some natural substitutions if I've gotta eat something. Instead of eating a whole loaf of bread, like I used to do, I'll have a big bowl of air-popped popcorn to satisfy my carbohydrate craving. So instead of 1500 calories of bread and butter, it's only 240 calories for the popcorn.

I've never been given a specific ED diagnosis either, but I certainly don't think you or I engage in healthy eating behavior--and like Matt C. pointed out--ED is rarely about the food. But what I gather (from this post and others) is that you're constantly going "to start tomorrow," and if you mess up one day, that entire day's a "lost cause." I know I've done it. But why don't you start at this very moment? Not tomorrow, not the New Year... but right now. And if you "mess up" a little bit, the whole day isn't a lost cause. If you indulge in a brownie or two, it's still better than eating 20 brownies, right?

These are just some suggestions--from one food addict to another.