[beth16]

I have been through therapy and meds...they didn't really help. I just got done b/p - again. I want to cry. The last several days I end my days with uncontrollable sobs. I am being engulfed in bulimia and I can't say no!

[reflections84]

While I can never fully understand the suffering of bulimia because I'm anorexic, I know what it's like to feel unable to stop the behaviors that are hurting you and those around you. I've been in therapy, inpatient, day programs, medications, group therapy ... and all it does is get me "fat" and then send me back out into the world.

I'm not currently ready for recovery, but if you are, my advice to you is mini goals. Things that are realistic for you, whatever those may be. Maybe making yourself wait five extra minutes before purging and adding a minute every day ... or maybe before putting eat piece of binge food in your mouth say out loud that you are going to do this so you are owning the behavior ... or maybe that just spending 30 second after you purge saying things you like about yourself out loud to slowly diminish the mind set that you "deserve" this.

Like I said, I'm not you. I don't know what you can handle or what your back story is, but I know it hurts and I know it feels hopeless and baby steps are often more successful than leaps you aren't ready for.

I'm here if you ever need to talk.

[amante]

Beth,

I'm really sorry that your bulimia is out of control. It's a very hard disease to try to get a hold of and control. Are you currently doing some form of T, counselling. I have bulimia too, I controlled it from being 20, I'm now 42 and when I'm under extreme strains of stress it raises it's ugly head. Do you have a lot of stress? Can you try and eat when people are around you, when is it at it's worst?

[beth16]

Thank you both reflection and amante. I have tried therapy, medications, and such. Those just don't seem to work for me. I am under a lot of stress right now from work. Stress seems to aggravate it.

I live alone so I can't really eat around people. I can try baby steps. Purging is like a stress reliever, though.

I sometimes think things are hopeless. There is no end. Why should I try?

[beth16]

I can't stop...this fricken b/p is causing major stomach pains.

[beth16]

Good Grief!!! I am really struggling

[whoswho]

(((beth)))

I'm sorry you're struggling. I just wanted to let you know that someone cares...

[beth16]

Thank you, whoswho for caring.

I've tried the medication and therapy thing and it just does not seem to work for me.

I feel so desperate.

[whoswho]

I know that desperate feeling too well. You've tried therapy and medication before--are you trying them now? Maybe it just wasn't the right time back then. Maybe now is the time to try and change things. When you think about the time spent in therapy and on medications, do you feel like you accomplished anything then? Were things better for a while? Maybe you should think of it as a relapse. It's okay. Relapses happen. It does not mean that your entire life is hopeless--that the progress you made before doesn't count. Sometimes it helps to look at things objectively; instead of feeling guilty and miserable for making a mistake, take a step back and think, "man, I really broke down under stress today." Who doesn't have a bad day (or even a bad week!) once in a while, right? It happens. It's okay. Take a deep breath. Once you've collected yourself, you can try to figure out what's triggering you. You must either remove/lessen the effects of the trigger (what about work is causing you stress? is there anything you could do to alleviate this stress, such as working shorter hours or switching departments?) or create healthy alternatives to b/p to help deal with your emotions.

I found some really good information here. Here's a summary on ways to cope with bulimia. Notice the first item of the list? Don't let your emotions get so out of control that the only way to release them is by b/p. Purging can become addicting because of the tension release it brings (for me, it's like taking a powerful sedative). It's contradictory that something so violent and painful as purging brings such tranquility. In my own experience, when I'm anxious about something and can feel the anxiety rising, sometimes I just start worrying about being anxious--obviously compounding the initial trigger--which leads me to become so out-of-control that I must do something rash just to see straight. Sometimes the triggers are really minor--it's the inability to deal with feelings as they happen that leads to b/p.

• Don't let yourself get too hungry, too angry, too lonely, too tired, or too bored. All these states are powerful binge triggers. Watch for them, and when they first appear, deal with them in a healthy manner instead of letting the tension build until bingeing and purging become the release of choice.

• Stay busy and avoid unstructured time. Empty time is too easily filled with binge food.

• Make sure that every day you touch base with friends and loved ones. Enjoy being with them. It sounds corny, but hugs really are healing.

• Take control of your life. Make choices thoughtfully and deliberately. Make your living situation safe and comfortable.

• Every day do something fun, something relaxing, something energizing.

• Keep tabs on your feelings. Several times a day ask yourself how you feel. If you get off track, do whatever the situation requires to get back to your comfort zone.

I'm sorry my rambling is so long and unorganized. I just read your messages and you sound so sad and hopeless. I wanted to let you know that you're not worthless and you're in my thoughts... (Maybe even a cyber hug can be healing. ) If there's anything I can do to help, be sure to let me know.

Please, take care of yourself. (((beth)))

[Rower]

Hi Beth

I'm really sorry you are suffering this much, I've been there. Right now it's not too bad, but I need to really work hard at gettign through yet antother day. Livin alone is probably not helping you. When I know my husband is going to be away, I seem to plan a b/p. Have you considered a roomate? Recently I discovered an organization Anorexia and Bulimia Anonymous. They have a great 12 step program and a book/manual to go with. Look them up, it's helping me.
Hugs, hang on.