[Amoslass]

I've never really had a full blown eating disorder....but I have always obsessed about food. When I was a teenager I was underweight but ate like a horse, I wanted to put on weight so much so I could fit in. I was flat chested and gangly still at 18. You'd think I would have liked that. But I felt like I wasn't a proper girl.

Nowdays I am overweight -
I eat as healthy as I can, but I feel the need to throw up every so often.I feel sick whenI realise how much I have eaten. I hate my body. I hate feeling hungry and needing to eat. I hate not being in control.

What is worse is that my mother keeps telling me I need to lose weight. I have a physical disability so I can't excercise much and am in constant pain. I want to lose weight to make here happy. But I want to lose weight more so because I want to be invisible, I want to be a ghost...I don't know I sound odd but I want to see those bones, my skeleton again, I want to feel light and small and fragile - the way I feel on the inside, fragile. I self harm as well, another form of control. And when I feel fat I purge and self harm. I'm thinking of eating nothing but apples and drinking water. I don't know what to do because losing weight will be good for my disability but the way I want to do it and the reasons why are extreme.

[Christina86]

that sounds worriesome, but it sounds a lot like what I go through too (although I don't have constant pain, I do have a physical disability and it's HARD to exercise!)

Can you get a referral to a nutritionist, someone who can help you figure out how to eat better? I know it might not be a possibility, but what about water exercising? Swimming and other athletics in a pool takes a lot of stress and strain off the body, but also lets you get in shape and lose weight with some work.

Are you talking to a therapist, or someone else you can discuss your self harm and eating disorder tendencies with?

[Amoslass]

Thanks! I'm trying to get a new team of doctors now I've moved, but it's hard work, especially as I don't drive and find it hard getting places.

I'm trying to get up the nerve to go to the local swimming pool, but all those skinny teenage girls freak me out.