[hopefully21]

its sad to think that things have come this far sighs Has anyone ever got done throwing up, look yourself and the mirror and really wish to turn back time, wondering where did all this choas and hecticness start, how did I end up in such a horrible nightmare and when do i wake up from this scary never ending dream........then i realize this is my reality day in and out every single day all day long. I can't even remember when the last time i was truly happy, where did my choices go the decision to not go into the bathroom and repeat the usually rituals of throwing up cleaning up brushing teeth ect....... to really look in the mirrow and say you are worth it and your not useless to not hate myself....i really had a hard look in the mirror today and truly came to a realization that i hate myself i was actually shocked i always knew i didn't like who i was or maybe i always had those feelings but never came out and say it out loud......its never enough to hear it from friends family members that your beautiful smart talented caring loving those words mean nothing and as much as they beg and plead and cry i can't seem to stop the madness, when will it be enough when will i realize can i even see the light at the end of the tunnel because at my end its pretty dark and there is no glimpse of light. How did this become apart of me the young successful beautiful 21 year old college student that has everything going for her for the most part get attached along with oh lets not forget the ana/mia/exercise freak I always thought about this like how can't I its here. I always thought my biggest struggles would be passing my mid term or handing in my 10 page essays or presenting in front of my peers but no realizing that right at the moment now with all the crap i been thru this is one of my major biggest struggles and as hard as it is for me i have to somehow beat this......I don't know how I am going to succeed and I know I am going to fail many many many many times but im going to have to start.....perhaps the fact of me recently and more frequently throwing up blood like i have in the past but lately it seems more frequent and everytime now im not scared and honestly it doesn't faze me but something clicked in my head today while i was looking in the mirror back at myself.....everyday is going to be a struggle as it already is now i just hope that i can win this battle before my E/D wins and right now although im alive my E/D is winning and has stolen everythingno more promises to myself i just need to try thats all i can do is try and pray i can do this

Sorry for the long vent just needed to put my thoughts down......thx for reading

[PTSDlovemycats]

(((HUGS))) -I miss you Sweetie!

[eskielover]

Maybe if you can go back & see what it was that started you on the path you are on now, you might be better able to treat what the cause was & then you will be better able to end the path that you are walking.

Many people who are dealing with ED's have pain in their background......the same thing that causes the pain for SI causes ED's. Something usually (not always) happens in our past that causes a pain & those things we struggle with now come from that even though they may not even be associated. Identifying the cause of the originating pain & treating that can really help with the ED & SI struggles.

Other times, it's just determination that the ED's not going to get the best & it's like a light switch that comes on.

I think that treating ED's is the most difficult because each person comes into the ED from so many different directions.....& looking at our own lives, it's not easy to tell WHERE it came from so very often even when we are trying to figure it out. I'm struggling with that right now but luckily, I am now at a healthy weight & have been for a couple of years now. I know that stress is my trigger for my anorexia.....never know when it will hit either......so wanting to know what more about where my reaction comes from in hopes that it will help in the future if necessary.