[littlemisszombie]

i feel like a failure, because i was going for treatment,at a mental health hospital which coupled up as a drug rehabilitation centre, but, i hated going i hated going because it was on a busy main road, and the entrance was directly infront of traffic lights and a pedestrian crossing, and you could bet your bottom dollar the traffic lights would be on red EVERY time i had to go to my appointment i even had a couple of people i knew see me go into the place and ask me if i was hooked on drugs :/
i abhore the fact that i look underweight and the fact there is an element to what i look like to people that i possibly may look like an addict :"(
since not going for months to the treatment place, i am struggling along to eat regularly :/ i THINK i have gained weight, but i do not know as i do not possess a set of scales. my fiance says i have, but i don't trust him. i think he is biased/trying to make me feel better and just saying it hoping i will eat more.
i have only been eating the evening cooked meal i had progressed to 3 meals a day at the treatment place.
i have recently moved house, and there is a different hospital here that i THINK caters for my problems, but, i don't know wether it is the ED (i have been diagnosed with anorexia, i restrict my diet) that is making me scared to go and ask for help at this new hospital via my dr's, or wether because of the other place i hated going to, it has made me have an over-whelming fear of going to the new one. i felt like complete and utter s**t when i was asked in the street if i had a drug problem and i hated the fact that it was so public going to the place.
my mind wants to get better :"( but i know i am struggling by myself. it is making me depressed.
today i ate a bowlfull of ricotta and spinach filled pasta, and a biscuit :/ on the one hand it is good i ate something, but on the other hand i know it isn't enough :"( i have a tendancy to beat myself up about not eating enough but i know that isn't enough for a grown woman :"( i know im probably being stupid, but i do not know how to overcome this fear of the treatment place i just want to get better :"( and (i am in the uk, and the time is 4:15 am) it is making me unable to sleep :"(
i havent come on here for over a year now...i sort of use this site as a 'safety net', when i need help most, as i feel apart from cpn's, drs and my biased boyf, the peeps here are the only ones who truly understand, and on the whole, maybe its a british thing i dont know, but i am quite reserved, and i find it hard saying things/writing things, so my posts/threads are very sporradic. on the whole when i am at the end of my tether to put it bluntly :"( i dont expect 'miracle' answers, but i wondered does anyone else have or ever had this problem? being fearful of the treatment place though wanting treatment? and if so, how did you overcome the fear to re-start treatment again please?

[littlemisszombie]

p.s. i know my mood says 'happy' but i cant remember how to change it and i can assure i am anything but 'happy'.

[disguise123]

miss zombie 1st: what does my mood say? I cant even see that from my cell phone! Lol.
And yes ive been scared of going ouT to treatment, ive been scared of the places and the people in the waiting rooms and of the professionals giving the treatments.
But sometimes i can sort of switch myself'' off'' and just go.
Maybe do some reasearch on dealing with panic.
And darl, forget what stupid people think, they are not your friends and their opinions dont matter!
Dont beat yourself up too much ok? Celebrate what you do eat, but i think the most important thing is getting yourself back in treatment.
Wear a disguse if you want, but get there!

[PTSDlovemycats]

I am so sorry that things are so hard right now! ((((HUGS))))

[littlemisszombie]

thankyou both for your responses
lol, in actual fact, the disguise part, though funny at first, isn't a bad idea (lol, i keep picturing myself with a groucho marx disguise )
yes, my boyf is always saying i should be more positive that i still am actually eating something every day, regardless of how big or small the total amount.
i think when i first go, i will take my boyf with me for moral support.
i will just have to zone-out til i get there
it has been doing my head in, because my mind was and still is wanting to get better, but i cant do it by myself; i really do need the support of my cpn, because im 36 this year and i've been locked in the destructive behaviours of restricting my diet since i was 20.
my boyf had to go with me to the old place for family therapy, (he has adult adhd, and has been to other therapy type hospitals) and he even said since we moved it had a weird vibe there he has been to the 'new' therapy place and he says it is nice, and light and airy and in the countryside surrounded by trees. i only would have to go once a week or once a fortnight.
thankyou, i dont mean it horridly, but it helps to know that i'm not weird and not the only one having a fear of going whilst at the same time desperately wanting to go xxxxxxxxxx

[geniousjess]

when i first went to my outpatient treatment program i was terrified. That was in 2007. I cried the entire time. It's difficult to face something so personal and private and open up. I understand your fear of being seen too. I think there is a level of shame attached to our ED's and its what blocks us from seeking the much needed help. I hope you know that you do have the strength to do this. I think people with ED's are some of the most courageous people in the world. It takes all we have to deal with the thoughts in our heads and continue living life. That's why we use food to cope, through restricting, binging and purging we survive the things that we feel would otherwise kill us. The sad part is, we are strong, really strong, and we are often the only ones who can't see it. I'm preaching to the choir here, i need to take my own advice. But i believe in you. My hope is that one day we will be able to see ourselves as those who love us see us. It's a nice thought isn't it?