Any long-term (older) EDers here? (long post)

I am in my late 40s and have had an ED for over 26 years. In a way I hope no one responds to this post because I really, really hope there aren't many people like me who has lived all their adult life with an ED.

I am currently at my heaviest which means I am heavier than I was in my worst hospitalized anorexic state so to me I feel huge but to others I appear slightly overweight (I think) or they are nice and say "muscular" because I have also worked out with weights my whole life.

It has been a huge adjustment not being thin anymore but after 40 the body goes through a good deal of changes, few of which are pleasant. Unfortunately I just have not ever let go of purging. I pass now though. I don't purge more than a handful of times a month unless I am really anxious and not writing my food down. Another unfortunate thing is I found that if I don't purge on a regular basis, when I do it is horrifyingly depressing and hard to recover from. I guess because the whole "numb" thing quits working after 15 or 20 years. There is absolutely no benefits to my purging. Obviously there never is any benefits but I am talking about the escaping, numbness, etc that I used to weak years ago. Honestly I am a highly functioning person who, when not purging, tends toward being happy.

I finally realized that what I really need is someone to be accountable. I used to have a nutritionist but can't afford her anymore. I see a therapist but not for this. I tried seeing a person through the VA (I'm a Veteran) for food related issues and I was given to a student. I can probably write 2-3 texts books on eating disorders at this point. I told her what I need is someone who is smarter and more clever than I am who will force me into accountability. She actually told me "good luck with that."

I've basically been through every aspect of an eating disorder and in whatever ways it can be twisted and survived. Yea, go me... not.

Two years ago I got a big reality check which has totally cured my from wanting to lost huge amounts of weight. It was a conversation I had with an Aunt about my mom. She lost a lot of weight in less than a year doing nothing out of the ordinary except getting cancer... oh, and dying, imagine that. Wow, being happy that you got cancer so you can lose weight! But than 20 years ago I wish I had AIDS because they were all so thin.

Anyway, I don't struggle with eating anymore because I eat very healthfully. I don't struggle with over-exercise anymore because I found I get more out of moderation. Probably if I never watched TV I would never purge again too. Ah well... something to say about being habitually consistent, right?

Having an ED has basically destroyed my life and my body in ways I had never dreamed. But through very hard work, I managed to create a life for myself despite that (and regain a good part of my health).

I just WISH that I would stop purging!!!!!!!

Last night I lay in bed feeling like it was completely hopeless; that I might as well resign myself to having this till I die......

Of course I'll never give up. Maybe I'll never purge again. You just never know and therein lives the lie that I tell myself over and over and over, and have been for over 26 years.

Alexandra

Alexandra
I can relate to much of what you said. I'm 44 and have had an ED for 26 years also. I have ups and downs. As of last week, I'd been symptom free for 4 months, but I'm going through a rough patch and purging once a day was better than what I wanted to do to hurt myself, so I've gone back to it (lesser of two evils, you might say).

I find myself compelled to talk to the younger folks who are just starting down this terrible road. It's better to deal with the issues head on when you're young than learn to numb yourself and be hit with everything at once as an oldster. The pain is 50x worse now becasue I never learned how to DEAL with anything.

I wish I could say I finally reached the stage where I don't care what I look like anymore, but it's not true. I'm happily married though, so there is a positive in my life. And I'm in therapy, trying to kick this monkey off my back once and for all.

Anyway - just wanted you to know you're not alone.
Bub

Thank you Bub for replying and sharing with me. I've also gone for periods of time free of it but blast it all if some stressful thing comes up that brings it back, grrr, so I know what you mean.

I also hate to see younger people toying with it. I mean, some people unfortunately have it full blown but others I see just are at that beginning and if they can just deal with life rather than get trapped... People joke about wishing to have an eating disorder so they can "control their weight" but they have no idea what a nightmare it is. It is so not fun and seems like an octopus whose tentacles affect every part of life.

I was just talking today to my therapist about body image. I mean, I have come so close to body acceptance and than off it goes to some elusive place. I hate to think at my age that I still am affected by the size of my pants and the number on the scale.

I have a friend who I walk with who used to be very overweight. Than he lost it all but still sees himself as very overweight despite being the complete opposite to the point of not looking healthy all the time. He over exercises like I used to so sometimes it is triggering listening to him. It also motivates me though and makes me think because he is at least 10 years older than I am. I don't want to be his age and still walking around saying how fat I am. Know what I mean? It's different when you are young but at my age, no one wants to hear it and it just sounds ridiculous.

I'm laughing with you, not at you. I know EXACTLY what you mean. I have wrinkles for goodness sake, I *shouldn't* care that I have cellulite too. I *should* be over this by now. I WILL be over this soon.

hugs & kisses to you
Bub

Hi I just wanted to say I to i'm 47 and sometimes so through rough times. Also run the Tuesday night ED chat would love to have to all check it out.

Well you are not alone..I am 41 and have struggled most of my life. Been in and out of hospitals. almost died a couple of times, have irrevesable damage to my body..yet I sit have this disease. Worse of all I am a nurse and I love my job and have missed so much work due to it and can only work 4 hours shifts now(just going back on Monday)
I try to talk to the younger ones explaining that they dont want to live like this(no matter what the ED tells them). I have really been trying to recover these last 2 years from anorexia now(started out with bulimia at 16). I dont eat and when I do I purge. So I totally understand the purging part. And as for getting help..my therapist is leaving and the other one in my area wont see me again(saw me for 10years or so) and not sure what I am going to do..Like you could write books on it. Funny thing..I just called around to ask therapist questions about their experiance and this one lady said she had a couple of clients with them..and I explained the reason I asked is b/c I am a "difficult"(not my words..my current therapist who hasnt left yet words) case and need someone who knows what they are doing. So I asked if she would be weihghing me and she acted like "why would I do that?" The dietician or dr can do that"..yep not the one for me. I already drink a 2 litter of water before I get weighed to stay out of the hospital. If I dont have someone weighing me I know myself I will be screwed...have no idea what to do..thought about just not seeing anybody and see what happens..besides I hate the fact of starting over. I have only seen 4 therapist my whole life..nobody else needs to know all of my secrets.. So guess i will see I dont know what it is going to take for me. Luckiy I still have my job..for how long I dont know as I just got a new boss..
Ok so for your purging..what all have you tried before I start spurting out thing that have worked and you start saying..yep did that..did that didnt work lol..let me know. maybe we can be a support for one another. Because even though I havent gotten in to recovery yet..not giving up. Cant my health is really getting bad from it. Besides this I have other health issues that dont help..anyway let me know what you think...

I'm also early 40's and have been dealing with it on and off since high school. It's growing worse again and T and I are working on it a little.

Ugh, sorry to hear about your therapist problems. Do you live in a small town? Non-ED professionals just don't seem to get it, as it seems you have found out. After the fiasco at the VA I tried someone else who insisted I count calories... really? I told her that doing that is triggering but that I knew what normal portions were. She still kept going on about it not knowing that what she was asking me to do was something that could potentially pull me back into the anorexic side of things, grrr.

Anyway, had a bad day yesterday but as far as suggestions, I know that if I just stick to eating in my dining room and NOT in front of the TV or computer I will be fine. That seems to be what it comes down to. I am just going to have to stick to that no matter what... on my own.

Being a nurse has to make it that much harder because you know the ramifications of your actions. I can't even offer any suggestions. What stopped 90% of my ED behavior was doing 4 years of chemo: interferon/ribavirin combo tx for HCV (not cancer for folks who don't know what that is)... Talk about putting things into perspective! I think I only purged twice in those 4 years.

I am going to update my profile for IM contact. Something I should have done before starting this thread. I have a Mac therefore use Jabber for IMs and didn't realize I could add yahoo to that. Yea! I thought it was primarily google.

Hmm I dont know if I have Im on mine either..maybe i can figure it out..prob not lol
Yeah I take a lot of medications I have lupus and kidney issues and other problems from the ED. I guess part of my problem is i am not afraid to die so I sometimes think we are all going to die so what is the big deal. I know that must sound horrible, but before working on the unit I am on now I was a cancer nurse and that got me through it. Actually I love it and would still be doing it if it wasnt for my illnesses. Unfortunately with myself I minamize everything, but if somebody else was pulling half the **** I was I would be allo ver them. I guess I need to learn how to love myself. It seems like I care more about others than I do myself..
So are you counting calories or doing your own thing? My dietician that I have is great..how she has put up with me this long I never know but. I tried doing exchanges, but I get so focused that they meet the exact calorie amount that I end up having to eat a lot of things..apples, cereal. I dont combine things(dont fit in) so I am trying calories for now. Actually it is a mixture of both, but still only getting not even 1/2 of it in. I am not hungry and I wont eat high calorie food. Guess that is going to have to change. Something has to..I should be hearing from one other therapist tomorrow. hopefully she knows what she is doing. Also I get to go back to work tomorrow..only 4 hours but I am working. It has been 2 months.No pay check isnt the greatest and I have been living on 1/2 pay checks for the last year or so..but I manage. I have 4 dogs and 8 cats and they are expensive! pend more on food for them than me!
Well I hope tomorrow is better for you. My email is my name at yahoo if you feel like emailing me...sometimes I cant always get back to my post from before. But I will try to see how you are doing..what part of hte armed forces were you in? always thought aboutit, but like my ,other always told me they would never take me. * knee surgeries on one leg 2 on the other and ect...have a good day

And no I dont live in a small town..you would think there would be more resources but..no money in it..hate to say that but it is true!