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Junior Member
Member Since Nov 2011
Posts: 8
13 |
Nov 07, 2011 at 11:52 PM
#1
I am looking for a little support, encouragement and reminder that recovery is worth it. I have been battling an eating disorder for years… most of my life… and recently have been doing better than ever and more consistent for the longest period ever but my urges to turn back to my eating disorder are getting stronger. The urges are always there and strong … but I have been doing a good job managing them recently. Then the last few weeks people have started making comments about my weight (people who do not know about my eating disorder history)… last week the comments got frequent and very in-depth which has my eating disorder going crazy in my head…
I have started giving in to small urges and I know I don’t want to spiral back … I know that I have been happy that I have been doing better but the urges are really starting to get to me and they are getting stronger and stronger… I don’t understand the comments people have been making because I haven't seen my weight in a few years and can not judge it at all .... but the comments are totally triggering me… I don't know if they are true or not ... only my dietitian knows if they are true and we haven't been able to talk about it yet... I am annoyed that simple comments that wouldn't make a person without an eating disorder think twice have my head going in every possible direction... |
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Member
Member Since Jun 2009
Posts: 110
15 |
Nov 11, 2011 at 03:05 AM
#2
I'm sorry this is happening to you. My guess is that you're not fat. If that's the case, then they are probably just joking. If they're not joking, then I suggest just to walk away from them.
Recovery is totally worth it. I am proud that you are able to go for so long. Don't let giving in to your small urges stop you. Just remember why you're in recovery. Remember that life is better without ED. 
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Junior Member
Member Since Nov 2011
Posts: 8
13 |
Nov 11, 2011 at 09:44 AM
#3
Thanks for replying to my post... I don't want to say too much because I don't want to be triggering to anyone who may read this and it really doesn't matter what the comments are it is how I react to them.... but people have commented (intensely) that I have lost some weight.... I am frustrated because I don't know if I have or haven't because I haven't seen my weight in a few years...
The only people who know this information for sure are my therapist and dietitian and it is going to be up to them to tell me what they think they should ... I hate that my view of myself is so distorted and I hate that I am so focused on this because normally I can brush them off .... If I have lost weight I should be reacting towards recovery because that would be a sign that after minimizing behaviors and giving my body consistent nutrition it is normalizing to its set point and beginning to trust me for once... this should make me rationally trust in the process of recovery more because I have never had trust in my body or rational thoughts about its ability to function... or at the very least be able to say to myself that I am acting in recovery and getting what people think are "compliments" which should motivate me towards recovery... Instead I am compromising with the eating disorder which I know doesn't make sense and I don't want to but in the moment I side with it which leads to longer spans and the more I compromise the more bad doors that is going to open... I don't want to go down that path but I find myself starting to which scares me a lot.... I think the fact that I can't tell when I look at myself really pisses me off... I am a pretty analytical person so I really want to know facts... I see my dietitian in a few days so we will see how much she will say but it is up to her to share what she thinks is helpful for me (which is also very frustrating right now because I don't have the control of that)...... I know what I should think rationally and how I should react rationally... but for some reason the eating disorder is gaining a bit of traction even though I know that is the totally opposite direction I want to go and last thing I want to have happen.... |
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Junior Member
Member Since Sep 2008
Location: earth
Posts: 10
16 |
Nov 11, 2011 at 07:08 PM
#4
I've gone through quite lengthy recovery process from an eating disorder, and am still unable to fully shake issues with eating (i don't think i ever will) - People's comments about weight, ANYONE's weight still get me a bit uncomfortable and anxious because I immediately attach far to much importance to those comments, and even though i KNOW i'm doing this I still get in a mess. I too can't see myself correctly. I was much worse when I was severely underweight because I didn't see a problem with my weight then, but now that i'm physically healthier I really , really can't tell what I look like. I feel for you and I know what you're going through is tough. Just remember the progress you've made and try and be aware of the processes your mind goes through ...your brain and your emotions will try and trip you up and it helps to be able t tell yourself its not your fault that that's happening. DONT pursue your eating disorder actively. I know its so so hard to want to do so when you can't tell what you look like. Don't listen to other people's comments at all if that's what you have to do. Just put them down as irrelevant, because they are really. You being okay in your head is more important than agonizing over thing people have said which they themselves proabbly don't think twice about. take care of yourself.
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 UESTasha
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Member
Member Since Dec 2009
Posts: 56
14 10 hugs
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Nov 13, 2011 at 07:12 PM
#5
Quote:
though my scale and clothes say i'm the same. weight is a super sensitive topic unfortunately, for us. i WILL ask my dr. and pyschiatrist what they think. they both said "thin" which was reassuring. my pyschiatrist said "very thin" which REALLY reassured me. i am honestly trying not to look at myself in mirrors so much. it is a sad characteristic of e.ds, especially the A one, that a person cannot seem to realistically evaluate themself, and it is also scary. be well. you are doing great! 
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