[MrsBee]

Alas, its that time of year again where emotions run rampant and nerves are chewed on like table legs with a new puppy in the house. December has always been, at least for me an incredible heavy hearted feeling, from instances of facing a long winter with no heat or a holiday with only $7.43 to my name. December I think started its downward spiral in 1990, when my sister was born, which of course I am incredibly grateful for now. At the time, my young supple mind couldn't fathom being anything but the center of attention, because, at that very time, the world was very small to me, as I suppose it is to most six year old.

From that point on, I can recall Decembers onslaught as something of a terror, even starting as early as November, manifesting itself in my mind in some way or another. In my adulthood, it has gotten to the point that much like a bear, I have wanted to curl up in a closet somewhere and hibernate. seclude myself from anything that might act as an opposition.

This year is much pleasantly different. I fear nothing, but an irked by a few things for certain. Awesome enough though, I have come to terms with the reality that the things that are irking me are so far beyond my control they shouldn't occupy any more of my time that I absolutely need them too. Case in point, the constant barrage of newspaper, media, individuals complaining about winter weight and holiday gain. Its very sad to me that a holiday season could be so plauged by negative body image and bashing, almost to the extreme that the holiday is ruined once that first piece of fruit cake passes your lips. Not only does this persist through mid to late december, post christmas is even WORSE. Constant billboards, ads, media, girls in fresh market in workout attire bombard you with the "oh crap, what terrible terrible things did I subject myself to over this holiday season".

Personally, I freaking love pumpkin pie, I would take erotic baths with a vat of it, I would eat it every day for breakfast. I'm not a fan of looking at it, one treat that I cannot supply myself with during the rest of the year, and see a skull and cross bones. It really takes the fun out of it. So this year, instead of reading and reading and reading up on how to "successfully graze the holiday table" I'm going to open my mind up to being mindful of EVERYTHING. The plate its served on, the people around me and how it was prepared. This is mind, I think I'll have a little more success skipping over the little samples served in plastic cups and opt for a homemade pie served on a fancy plate with a real live piece of flatware.

Also to my dismay, which really creates the Devils playground for me, is the drastic drop off of workload. I am faced with almost ten hours of potential for my mind to run free and self destruct all it wants. I could spend hours and hours a day looking at "diet tips" or "body improvement exercises". This is NOT what I want to see myself doing this year, I'm not going to become who I have been the past three or four years, facing a clock and negative self talk. To change this behavior, I'm going to devote that same time, time that I spent supposedly improving my body by running upstairs to do pilates or powerwalking around the nursery or even (sigh) purging anything that came between my lips. I have found, much to my exaltation that this energy can MUCH better be used in self improvement of an inner sort.

I'm sure you're going, whoa whoa whoa, this is sounding way to hippy dippy or guru type rub crystals on your forhead and say "ooohhhhmmmm" alot. No, thats not at all what I mean. Instead of working on the physical person, trying to achieve a perfect body on the inside only to see an internal termoil on the inside whenever I look in the mirror, I'm going to devoted my other wise disordered thinking on "ordered" thinking. Its not a technical term, for certain, but Its the mantra I'm going to adopt. I'm strongly feeling, at this exact moment, there are so many things in order in my life, I'd like to keep them that way. Happiness in relationship, the first time in my entire life I'm happy with my body without wishing it to change somehow, happiness in career, happy all around. The practice of this ordered thinking is a little bit of a self awareness technique and I'm sure there will be oops moments, but ****, we all have those. Anybody who hasn't spilled cofffee on their white shirt in non human if you ask me. Forgiveness is key.

This particular excerpt really spoke to me and inspired me to rethink my approach to the December. I was reminded, although I didn't believe it at first, that as a female I can be strong and powerful and overcome obstacles.

"Feminine energy is soft, and cares more about the journey than the destination. It loves connecting to others, and uses intuition to sense what those others need. This type of energy is cyclical and can change on a dime.

Feminine energy appreciates love, relationships, and pleasure through the five senses. It is healing and life-giving. The forces of nature are feminine (we don’t talk about Father Nature, after all; and don’t even tell me that your emotions are not monsoon-like). This might be why this type of energy prefers when things unfold naturally rather than by force. Feminine energy defines its value through the experience of pleasure and joy, and derives its power through the emotions and the body."

Never in my life did I ever feel I was taught this, and I'm not pointing a flying finger of blame at anybody or anything. I suppose it was a bit cultural and a bit of a family thing. My mom didn't work, she seemed repressed, I felt that was how a female should always feel, under the control of a "man" a "caretaker" and not cause a fuss. This is wrong in many ways and I feel I NEVER want to subject myself to that sort of mentality. I never want to be quantified by a relationship I might be in or who is putting heat in my house. I can do that for myself, provided I use the proper feminine energy and well...a little bit of good old fashioned womens lib.

This in no way means I want to be lonely and without the love of my life for the rest of my life. I want to be able to be an equal, and at this time of my life, in this fantastic relationship I am in, I feel that I am considered an equal, that I am not to be repressed and under a thumb. This is a quality in males that is incredibly, INCREDIBLY rare. I suppose culture has told us as females thats where we belong, washing dishes in the kitchen while our Men folk are in playing poker smoking cigars. **** that. I deserve better, I will not settle for anything less.

So, long story short.

This winter is not going to be a cold, bleak season.

This winter is not going to be a failure to my inner self.

This winter is not going to create rifts and ridges in my relationships with others.

I'm headstrong and have a belly full of "feminine energy", which much to my pleasure has absolutely nothing to do with dress size or a set of D cups.




Written, haphazardly by,

Mrs. Bee

The buzzing wonder