relapsing

Hi. I was recovering from anorexia... not anymore. It's almost 7pm, I haven't eaten -> I'm scared to eat because I haven't exercised. This is not good. I've been losing ~5lbs/week. My chest hurts. I'm so scared. I don't know what to do.

Tell your doctor pronto. Maybe catching it early will help. I hope you are OK.

My doctor... is someone I lied to and manipulated the last time. I did admit this to my counselor at school, who told me to find someone more qualified and to see a medical doctor - an ED specialist. I am so scared. I've never gone through this with people knowing. I'm so ashamed, like you wouldn't believe. I hope you're right - that people knowing might get me out sooner. Thanks for responding.

Get yourself help. I know that it's hard, and that it's hard to get to where you're not wanting to hide it and keep going, but you know what? You're posting here, so some part of you wants to avoid this relapse.

Have you actually been diagnosed as anorexic in the past? If so, how far in the past? And has your doctor mentioned your weight to you this time? If not, shame on them all.

Your school counselor said to see someone more qualified because eating disorders are the most complex of mental illnesses, and counselors are told to refer clients on to people who have specialized training in treating them. That's not her trying to avoid you, but trying to get you the best help.

Good luck. It is hard, but you can do it.

I do want to avoid this relapse... this is crazy. My average caloric intake for the past week is 329 - last time I took half a year to get down to 300-600. It's been a month and I've lost 15 lbs - 2 lbs until I'm at an 'anorexic weight', yay . WHY CAN'T I %#@&#! TELL??? I hate this, this ridiculous fear of calories, of being busted. I just want to be able to eat a %#@&#!... anything! ...without the guilt, regret, fear, panik, consequences.

I wasn't diagnosed 2 years ago because I, myself, was in denial, and because my doctor was a complete moron. After attaining a 'healthy' weight, I looked up the criteria in the DSM-V(?), and fit all 4 - so I'm self-diagnosed. The last time I was at my doctor's (last year), she had her nurse person weight me - with my 7 lbs of clothes/water, and she rounded up - I was 121 (the healthy/underweight line), 130 was documented.

I went to the medi-centre yesterday to see if I could get out of school... Well that was pointless. He prescribed me Ensure(!?!); if my insurance covered it I may have tasted it. He said that, in his opinion, I should go to school because I might be distracted there. Right. Distracted by all the tiny people, the 3 flights of stairs, the running/biking to get to/from there,the guilt of lying/manipulating/deceiving/bull-shitting, the avoidance of my home so I can lie about having (not) eaten, the stress of being so far behind and unable to concentrate, etc. Whatever. It's probably good for my metabolism. I have to write a paper by Tuesday, an exam on Wednesday, and a video in which I am to demonstrate my skills of therapeutic communication for next week. God.

I am afraid to eat. I feel like %#@&#!. Fat as hell. I don't want to go to school and am currently looking into dropping out. My fingers are fat. I should take a shower, but it's so triggering to see all the fat - I don't even change clothes when I go to bed - just take off the outer layer. This %#@&#! sucks.

The words 'It sounds almost like you have an eating disorder' left my mother's mouth yesterday... Damn, I'm so good at manipulating people.

I am empty. I am clean and pure. I am on the right track.

I am fat as hell. I am undeserving and selfish and cruel. I deserve to waste away; I am doing the world a favor.

Bah.

Sorry for ranting, wasting space:\.

i dont know what to say...
but i relate... i hadnt eaten in 16 days.... and decided today i would start to recover. i barely stomached a cracker and 1 cup of broth and i feel guilty for that. it sucks. i just want to be able to eat and not hate myself for it too. i hear ya? You are not alone. This is a hard, scary and bumpy road to recovery. Stay strong!
kait