[doggiedo]

I went to my cousin's cheerleading competition this weekend. She's 15 and in high school, and the family went to support her. She did so well! And, I hate to turn her accomplishments into an issue for me, but it was such a trigger.

These teenagers were in perfect shape. I remember being that tiny and I miss it so much! I remember being able to do all those things and having the agility (I played sports in high school) but it's all gone now. I feel like I will never look like that. I sat there watching them, counting the ways I can start restricting, figuring out where I can fit exercise in during my day, and how I can get to be that skinny again. It's sick. I don't want to be skinny, I want to be the smallest girl there. It's a distorted way to think, I know that. It's just that I can't help compare to how perfect and tiny they are.

Sitting the bleachers all I felt was people staring at me and how tight my shirt was and how my back fat was hanging out. I know I don't have back fat, but I sure as heck have more to me than these gorgeous girls!!

I'm in my mid 30s and still get carded wherever I go, even at the movies. Yet, I don't look like these girls. I am still very tiny for my age - I work at a school with teenagers and often get confused by other adults for me being a student. I love it AND hate it. I feel like the older I get, I'm losing that. I just want to be THAT skinny again. Not have hips, be able to feel good again...skinny...like I fit in my clothes.

Now I'm ready for bed and all I can do is run through the ED behaviors in my head that will get me back to the place where I want to be. It's tormenting me. I feel like it's pulling me right back in....and all I want to do is jump in with both feet.