[beth16]

I can't control my desires to stay in control. It has pushed me aside and stepped into the drivers seat. I can not even talk sense into my head. I have no control over what I so desperately need control over. Its bulimia and restrictive eating is what they call it. But I call it slavory. Slavory to it because it controls my every move, thought, and action. Oh please, I don't know whether to cry out for help or to please cheer me on.

[hrdcoreathlete]

I would say seek the help that you know you need. You would have not posted something on here if you were not looking for help. Looking from the outside in as well as somebody who has been and is still there to some degree, you are not controlling anything, the E.D is controlling you. It is controlling how you eat, where you eat, who watches you eat, what you do after you eat. If i had to take a guess I would guess that you have lost many things in your life because of it...and friends may be along that line. Get help why you still can, and before it completely ruins your life.
-Advice from somebody who has been there.

[beth16]

I can't get help. Or better yet, I don't want to. Everytime I have in the past it never goes away. It haunts me beyond belief. It is the only stable thing in my life that I can count on that will be there for me no matter what! So why try? I am just going to sucomb to it. I am powerless to it.

[Catlovers141]

Can you try some other treatment? I know it can feel difficult when you feel as though you have tried many things and haven't seen many results. But I bet there are some things that you have not yet done. Can you try medication/a different medication? A therapist with a different approach? A different treatment center? Different places and people can teach us many things. Maybe what you used before were useful then (or not) but it may be worth it now to look into something different.

[serenity24]

im a control freak and a perfectionist. I feel like my ED is the one thing I can always have that will make me feel "safe", inside of the other insanity around me. ironically the ED that i think imin control of eat/dont eat, has me so trapped its really in control and I can get out of it. My old T told me to chagnge the tapes in my head. That can be really hard when your so used to behavior but at this point i think ill try anything.

[geniousjess]

it has to get to a point where it hurts enough you can't live one more day doing the things you are doing. Until then you will have any number of excuses. You will seek help when it is your only option, you may try getting help before you're ready, but ultimately until you have experienced enough pain from your ED, you will continue finding "reasons" you need/want to keep it around. I'm only saying this from experience. An ED is one of the hardest things to recover from, because it all starts in your mind. You literally have to change the way your thoughts work. Recovery goes against all your instincts. It doesn't always make sense, it's scary, and its the hardest thing you'll ever do. It takes more work than anyone who didn't absolutely have to would ever want to do. I'm not quite there, but i'm getting closer. I wish you the best of luck. If you need to chat message me.

[(JD)]

Originally Posted by beth16

I can't control my desires to stay in control. It has pushed me aside and stepped into the drivers seat. I can not even talk sense into my head. I have no control over what I so desperately need control over. Its bulimia and restrictive eating is what they call it. But I call it slavory. Slavory to it because it controls my every move, thought, and action. Oh please, I don't know whether to cry out for help or to please cheer me on.

I'm concerned over your use of words. Even the subject title "it's eating me up" while quite catchy, demonstrates what you are telling yourself. What others say is important, but what you tell yourself becomes what is...

Saying you "can't control" also gives your brain directions...in the wrong direction.

Try what is called "reframing" of your thoughts. Try to notice the words you think and say and write, and change what you can to at least less negative if not positive.

"I am learning to control this disorder."
"I will be able to eat well and feel good in the future."
"I can find a good way to take control soon."

Not only is this psychologically proven to be a good way to begin to heal, but scientifically has been shown to alter your own future. Check out the 10 Cognitive Distortions and what to do about them--a sticky at the top of the Psychotherapy Forum here at Psych Central.

[avoice]

Hang in there. Give yourself a break.

[beth16]

Thank you avoice. This original post I did at the beginning of this year...and life is still the same.

[eskielover]

This original post I did at the beginning of this year...and life is still the same.

If you are getting T that's trying to help.....they aren't doing a very good job at getting you to reprogram your thinking.......you think you are in control by allowing your ED to be in control where if you really wanted to be in control, you would control your ED since it's the one thing in your life that needs to have control over it.

I have learned that having control over keeping my weight at a safe point takes more control than allowing the anorexia to have control. My problem is usually that stress causes me to loose weight & the longer the stress lasts, the more sick I feel & the harder it is to eat & the harder it is to force myself to eat as the tendency for me when I feel sick is to not eat......so it definitely takes massive control to keep myself at a healthy weight. Something about stress increases my metabolism & even when I eat I loose weight......so I have to force myself to not only eat, but to eat more which is even more difficult.

Hope you can find a better T to help you......I have found that my DBT group that my psychologist suggested has really helped me become more aware of my thoughts & to catch situations before they become already bad.

[suzzie]

((((((((beth16)))))))

[beth16]

Thank you!

Was able to avoid dinner tonight.

Just want to sit in a heap and ball....I feel soo sad...

[Brokenwings73]

ED is suffocating me. Is just wrote out a brainstorm of all of my thoughts about ED. I've struggled 31 years and I'm 38. Athletics played a huge roll. But I fear I don't know how to b wo ED. I talked to my P and she said you don't necessarily give it up, u just have to be the captain of your own ship. Own it dont let it own you. I told her yea yea how do you do that when your stuck flush in the middle? I feel your pain and struggle and am there with you in spirit and empathy . Keep talking it's the only thing that helps me.

[ThePainNeverDies]

Beth, I can only really say how sorry I am that you're struggling with this awful illness and have been for so long. I really do feel your pain. If you ever need a chat, kind words or some advice, I hang around here every now and then so I'll get back to you and be there if you need anything.

My experiences with ED have been quite long lived already and I've found that every time I start struggling, I just need to start with the foods that I feel most safe eating. If it means weight loss, so be it. I need to go at my own pace and not force myself straight into recovery again. Just rushing into it will make you fall down again.

So my suggestion is to stick to safe foods for a while and every now and then introduce something new, something a little less safe. For me something a little less safe would be potato. It's quite a heavy food for me, so just eating a spoonful of mashed potato for me on a bad day would be a big step.

With any temptations to purge, try to keep yourself distracted after eating, even just going for a walk could be a good idea. Anything to keep you away from the idea of not keeping that food down.

Another thing to think about is why your body right now is crying out for the energy and building blocks it needs to sustain you. Maybe, just maybe, you deserve that energy and sustainence. I know it doesn't seem that way right now, but most of all you need to listen to your logical side when it pops up and I know how quickly ED can override that, so what I tend to do is as soon as that rational side of me comes up and tells me what to do it, I try to do it straight away. To enable myself to do that, I have to have food there that is healthy and ready to eat which sometimes can be quite difficult but I've learned to keep healthy foods prepared in advance just for those moments.

I hope I've helped somewhat and I really hope things improve for you soon. Remember, I'm an ear if you need one

[Brokenwings73]

I am the queen of needing to be in the drivers seat!!! I feel weak and powerless if my team tries to pull me out or takeMY control away . I know just how u feel. My mind is consumed by planning and organizing how I'm going to stay "in"control". I'm a perfectionist thru and thru and if someone tries to cange me I retreat deeper into my sperm of control. They're going to have to pry my out from what I believe I my rightful position. I can relate to your position.

[beth16]

Thank you for your encouraging words. I have been struggling with it worse the last couple of weeks than ever. It has taken full control of me and I am just letting it at the moment. I feel powerless, weak, guilty and ashamed. I don't feel like there is any safe foods out there. I feel like it is going to drive me to insanity....

[Woundedheart1]

Addiction is all about being in the drivers seat and not wanting to give up control. I know I've chides to stay in the drivers seat rather than turn my will over to a higher Power. I take the keys on a regular basis and drive thinking my way us the best way. I'm afraid to change and give in to someone else having control . It scares me. ED has been my copilot for so many years I don't know how to step down. I completely understand your feelings and empathize with you. Best wishes are with you.

[beth16]

Thank you Woundedheart1. I am really struggling so much. More so than ever. I try to pretend it doesn't affect me, but I can't forget it. It is going to tear me apart.