[SoupDragon]

I haven't posted in this forum before I don't think - it's just that I am having a really bad today.

Although I hate to admit it to myself, I think that maybe I do have an eating disorder - I have spent my life losing loads of weight through hardly eating, to binging and gaining loads again.

I feel at my happiest when I don't eat, not only does my mind feel happier, but I just know I look better.

I can't bear to see others eating, or the sound of them chewing, it repulses me and can't bear the feel of food in my mouth (I know this as I tried to do the chewing 20 times things and almost gagged).

Right now I am at a big stage - I hate looking and feeling like this, I truely loathe myself. I know if I can stop eating I will feel better and yes I also know all the theory stuff about how unhealthy this is, best to lose 1 -2 lbs a week etc etc - but I just can't do that, I have tried - it is like I need to get out of this body as quickly as I can and severely limiting food is therefore the best way forward for me.

So today I had achieved what I felt was good, I was feeling pleased with myself - but them the binge came and now I feel so bad - I am disappointed in myself, I feel gross, I feel tense and aggitated and I am fighting the SI temptation.

I have never shared this with anyone before, it has been hinted at with my T, but it feels harder to talk about than all the other abuse stuff out together. I just don't know how to get out of the cycle.

[Nelliecat]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I feel at my happiest when I don't eat, not only does my mind feel happier, but I just know I look better.

I can't bear to see others eating, or the sound of them chewing, it repulses me

(((((Soup)))))

I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

Nor can I stand others eating, the noise it makes. It turns my stomach. I try to eat as quietly as I can. And to get to the end of a day and realise I've not eaten much gives me such a feeling of satisfaction. Unfortunately, 99% of my days are spent not restricting my intake whatsoever at the moment and I'm just getting bigger. I thought T would fix it somehow by now by fixing other things. I wish I could say something to help. I just wanted to tell you I understand.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Nelliecat

(((((Soup)))))

I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

Nor can I stand others eating, the noise it makes. It turns my stomach. I try to eat as quietly as I can. And to get to the end of a day and realise I've not eaten much gives me such a feeling of satisfaction. Unfortunately, 99% of my days are spent not restricting my intake whatsoever at the moment and I'm just getting bigger. I thought T would fix it somehow by now by fixing other things. I wish I could say something to help. I just wanted to tell you I understand.

Thank-you (((Nellie))) - it always felt so weird not being able to stand the noise of people eating (when my ex comes for a meal it truely repulses me seeing him eat, I have to sing a song really loudly in my head and make sure I don't look at him), so it is nice to know I am not alone in this - this has so got into my head tonight and there it sticks - I want to share with T but am terrified too at the same time and there was me thinking I was all fixed last week .

Soup

[Woundedheart1]

I feel and empathize with you. Being around people eating bugs the living daylights out of me. Its repulsive. People are slobs when they eat, lip smacking food hanging out of their mouth huge bites etc etc etc ugh gross. That's why I if I have to eat I do so solitarily.I hate getting cajoled into going out with people to eat because watching them turns my appetite off and makes me want to run screaming even and family holiday meals. I try to just start clearing the table asap and doing the dishes or stay in the kitchen the whole time avoiding all. Why if being around people can't they abide by simple rules chew quiet and don't talk with ur mouth full. Jeeze! It's just courtesy! I dint know...what to do, what to do?

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Woundedheart1

I feel and empathize with you. Being around people eating bugs the living daylights out of me. Its repulsive. People are slobs when they eat, lip smacking food hanging out of their mouth huge bites etc etc etc ugh gross. That's why I if I have to eat I do so solitarily.I hate getting cajoled into going out with people to eat because watching them turns my appetite off and makes me want to run screaming even and family holiday meals. I try to just start clearing the table asap and doing the dishes or stay in the kitchen the whole time avoiding all. Why if being around people can't they abide by simple rules chew quiet and don't talk with ur mouth full. Jeeze! It's just courtesy! I dint know...what to do, what to do?

Thanks for sharing your experiences Woundedheart - I so wish I could feel more relaxed around food - it all seems so illogical to be otherwise.

Soup