[OliversTwisted94]

So, I have struggled with my weight since I was a little kid. I could merely LOOK a piece of cake, and gain so many pounds (Only a slight exaggeration )

But, I was relieved to find that there was a reason for my constantly being hungry, eating a lot, sleeping a lot, and not absorbing my nutrients- I have hypothyroidism. And that hypothyroidism went completely untreated until I was 16, almost 17.

Now, that doesn't explain all of the + extra pounds I carry around, obviously. (I know genetics plays a big part in this too; and nearly everyone in our family has weight troubles.)

I know for sure that my diet doesn't help me at all. I have an EXTREME sensory intake issue (I doubt that this is the correct name for it; I am still in the process of being officially diagnosed). This basically means that I have very excessive reactions to smells, textures, tastes, sounds and sights. (My mom calls me a bloodhound sometimes- I can be in a dead sleep, and if my mom is cooking a food that I am sensitive to- stewed cabbage, for example- I will actually WAKE UP and vomit.)
My problem lies in the way I process these sensations. There are a lot of very healthy things that I would love to eat, but I can't really do anything to get over the sensations
(I.E.- I would love to eat a lot of different veggies and fruits, but the textures and smells make me just barf. It's literally like, the second the food enters my mouth/the odor enters my nose, I vomit. It happens with other things; condiments, finger foods like pickles and olives and even junk food like jello, pudding and gummy bears. I actually am so sensitive to a LOT of things, that I refuse to tough them, and if I do, I wash my hands, and I will actually move to the other side of the table if someone else is eating them.)

So, about two years ago, I was first admitted to the psych ward. I was there for suicidal ideation, SI, and hallucinations. At first, I didn't say anything about my eating. People just assumed that, because I am so, so, SO FAT that I'm a compulsive over-eater/binge eater/comfort eater. But I hadn't been diagnosed with the thyroid condition yet, I was only eating what my body said that I needed. After my second stay in psych ward, I started being treated for the thyroid thing, so I wasn't nearly as hungry as I used to be.... even though the meds they had me on would mess with my metabolism.

So you might wonder why I'm posting this in the ED forum. Well, the truth is- and I have actually told very few people about this yet- that I have had a problem with purging and restricting food for a few years. I don't know when exactly it started; I just know that it was before the thyroid condition was treated. I was feeling horrible that, even though I was trying to lose weight, and I had been dieting for many years, I just couldn't lose weight! I am just so ashamed of my figure; I couldn't think about anything else to do. I go through streaks of- no matter what I eat, or in what amount (no matter how small)- I just feel SO disgusting that I NEED make myself vomit. I don't really binge at all; I don't want to binge, because I already feel so guilty for eating in the first place. And that's where the restricting comes in.....
So, basically, I will also go through these phases of just being so disgusted with myself, and not feeling that I am worthy of food, that I won't eat. If I need to eat, because I pass out or start to feel woozy, I will eat a small amount of food. But other than that, I won't touch food and I will avoid being around food at all.
Sometimes, the purging and the restricting will overlap; if I need to eat while restricting, I will sometimes (maybe a little more than 50% of the time) purge afterwards. Other times, I will restrict my food- but not COMPLETELY stop eating (i.e.- I will have some crackers or a granola bar over the course of the day), but still purge if I feel that I have eaten too much.
Like I said before, a LOT of people- even doctors and psychiatrists- will assume that I am a binge eater. (It took my about a year and a half to even mention it to my current therapist). I know that it always bothers me when people assume this; and often, it's stuff like this that will throw me into a "cycle". I finally just told my psychiatrist in the beginning of August, and she hardly believed me (she basically laughed in my face); and she told me that it wasn't a big enough concern to have to tell my mother, because my mom "isn't well equipped enough to handle this". Well, it was soon after this (mid-August) that I was admitted to the psych ward for the ninth time. Upon answering all of the intake questions, they asked about my eating habits. My mom was with me, and so I decided to just kill two birds with one stone; I told the intake lady and my mom about some of my eating problems. I was placed on room restriction after my meals, and since then, have been really good about the purging (though I do still restrict to some degree).

Well, now I am looking into a new day-treatment program, and I know that they will ask these questions in the interview. I am really afraid that the intake person will just assume that I am a compulsive eater and comfort myself with food. I know it shouldn't really matter what they assume, because it can always be corrected later..... but I am still SO nervous that I will feel badly about it and fall into a "cycle". I keep telling myself not to let it bother me, and that I shouldn't be so concerned; I also know that they will see the records from the hospital and that I was on R.R., so I may not have to completely start from the beginning. But I still can't help but worry. I have actually lost weight since last November (when I hit my max weight), so I know they might see that much and I won't have to feel so badly about myself...... but I still don't know how to approach this.

My sister is bulimic; I have seen how her eating behaviors affect the family, and I know the level of resentment I felt towards her as a child (especially considering that we are a poverty-level income, and when I would see all of our food from the food-pantry go missing, I was angry because the rest of the family had to work around that gap); and I don't want my mother to feel that towards me, because we aren't doing any better financially.

Anyway, I am sorry if this is so ungodly long
I just thought that I would cover all the bases here and get some opinions on how to handle my current situation. I actually have the intake-interview on Friday morning, so fast responses are much appreciated. I just want someone to not make me feel badly (i.e- lecturing me on how purging doesn't help you lose weight, restricting actually makes you hold onto more weight, blah blah blah), and I want people to still listen to me and take me seriously. I really want to get help with this; I WANT to be able to say that I can still feel in-control about my figure/weight, while still doing it in a healthy way. I know that I have a remarkable amount of self control (or I would probably already be in the slammer for assaulting my siblings lol.... sorry, I know that aggression isn't a joke ); so I know that I can do it. I know how to eat healthy; I have been in a lot of classes and meetings for this already. (I know that part of it is to find a way to adjust around my income level.)

Anyway.... ANY advice at all would be great!!!
Peace out!!!

[real life 11]

Goodluck with you intake interview - all I would say is be upfront and honest. You were able to write your feelings, needs and wants clearly here so maybe even copy and paste your post and print it out? I have a hard time verbalizing my thoughts and feelings so I normally write and then hand it to my therapist...its worked well so far (as long as I let her see it lol).

You will one day be able to say that you can feel in-control about your figure/weight, while still doing it in a healthy way. Use your remarkable amount of self control for the good! Take the knowledge that you have learned about eating healthy and plan out a way to adjust it around your income. The less roadblocks you make for yourself the better - don't make recovery even harder on yourself...be on your team

[hamster-bamster]

What I would do immediately if I were in your shoes is the following: register with any of the online or mobile phone calorie counting programs such as myfitnesspal, livestrong.com, or others - you may want to survey people here before selecting one - and start tracking. Determine your weekly requirements and eat them. If you eat in excess, go ahead and purge, for now, but only when you have reached your daily intake without purging. Do not go by what you FEEL is excess but go strictly by the numbers. And do not try to lose weight now - just input "maintain current weight" as your goal to determine your daily caloric requirement.

This is a "harm reduction" approach.