[precious things]

Yes, this is my mantra lately: " I don't need help. I'm nowhere near my lowest"

Does anyone else try to convince themselves that you don't really have a problem with food, or you used to be so much worse its not a big deal now? I think about reaching out for help but I find it silly/ hard/unnecessary when my weight is pretty much normal.

Can anyone relate to this?

[AngelWolf3]

Abso-freaking-lutely. Even when I was at my lowest, I felt that way. (I stopped being able to lose weight at a certain number, even though it was not dangerous for my height, apparently my body was not cooperating with what my mind wanted.)

And yes I totally think all the time about food and stuff, the ED voice is so loud, but I don't want to bother my T with it because I look ok. I can so completely relate.

Do you want it to stop, or do you in a weird way welcome it? (just curious, because I am on the fence...not a good place to be if I want to stay "in recovery" but you voiced how I am feeling right now, so I thought I would ask, if ok.)

[precious things]

Great question! I am really conflicted. On the one hand I want to quiet the ED voice because it drives my every waking thought. I am also tired of all the self-hate and having my life dictated by a number on the scale. I have some very long-standing food rituals that are mal-adaptive. I have purged for so many years that it is distressful, yet "normal" for me. On the other hand, if I am being honest, I don't want to gain weight. The weight I am now is not a natural weight for me, it takes enormous effort to stay in this very narrow range ( low end healthy, I guess). I still welcome the bouts of anorexia. So, I guess I'd like to get rid of the negative, harsh, ED voice but am not willing to relinquish full control of behaviors if it means gaining. Ugh, hope this makes sense......

I guess, in addition to not being underweight, I am not entirely sure where I come down on wanting help. I know there is a part of me that must want it or I wouldn't even be thinking about it, right? It's like every time I think about picking up the phone And calling a potential therapist, I fall back to not feeling like I really want/need it. Yes, I am very confused!!

[AngelWolf3]

What an articulate reply! (I am jealous because you were able to voice exactly how I feel without rambling on like I tend to do! ) So yes, your answer made complete sense to me.

I think you are right, too that on some level somewhere you want help, you are just not sure how to approach it, or maybe even accept it. If you do end up talking to someone,it might help to print out your answer to my question and take it to the T that you choose, maybe that T can help you process through it and find a solution?

(I might have to print out your reply and take it to my T to show how I am feeling...IF that is ok with you, of course. Your screen name wouldn't be on it, and I would tell her I did not write it but that someone I know hit the nail on the head for me) Is that wrong that I can't speak for myself? Hmmm. something to think about. (sorry not taking over the thread, you just gave me something to ponder!)

I hope that whatever you decide helps you, even if it is a tiny bit!

No, I can never feel at a low enough weight to feel "comfortable" or "ok" or like I'm ok in any way.

[precious things]

Originally Posted by Wolfin3

What an articulate reply! (I am jealous because you were able to voice exactly how I feel without rambling on like I tend to do! ) So yes, your answer made complete sense to me.

I think you are right, too that on some level somewhere you want help, you are just not sure how to approach it, or maybe even accept it. If you do end up talking to someone,it might help to print out your answer to my question and take it to the T that you choose, maybe that T can help you process through it and find a solution?

(I might have to print out your reply and take it to my T to show how I am feeling...IF that is ok with you, of course. Your screen name wouldn't be on it, and I would tell her I did not write it but that someone I know hit the nail on the head for me) Is that wrong that I can't speak for myself? Hmmm. something to think about. (sorry not taking over the thread, you just gave me something to ponder!)

I hope that whatever you decide helps you, even if it is a tiny bit!

Wow, thanks! Absolutely- feel free to use this with your T (I'd love to hear how they respond, if you don't mind).

[precious things]

Originally Posted by roseleigh7

No, I can never feel at a low enough weight to feel "comfortable" or "ok" or like I'm ok in any way.

This is what I should know after all these years on the weight merry-go-round. I know better than anyone that the emotional suffering of living with an eating disorder is in no way related to how low your weight is. I think my most distressing times are when I have been overweight and purging multiple times a day vs. when I have had full- blown anorexia nervosa. Yet, in my experience, doctors only take notice at the latter and don't fully appreciate the whole continuum.

[AngelWolf3]

Originally Posted by precious things

Wow, thanks! Absolutely- feel free to use this with your T (I'd love to hear how they respond, if you don't mind).

Most definitely...My appt is next Wednesday in the evening so I can let you know next Thurs!

[whoswho]

Originally Posted by precious things

This is what I should know after all these years on the weight merry-go-round. I know better than anyone that the emotional suffering of living with an eating disorder is in no way related to how low your weight is. I think my most distressing times are when I have been overweight and purging multiple times a day vs. when I have had full- blown anorexia nervosa. Yet, in my experience, doctors only take notice at the latter and don't fully appreciate the whole continuum.

Exactly. My doctors (and I mean several, independent doctors) know I'm bulimic but have no qualms telling me that I'm overweight, need to lose weight, etc. Um, yes, I'm working on that, can't you tell? Or before I started taking medication (which caused the weight gain in the first place) I usually got something like, "Oh, but you don't look like you have an eating disorder." But they don't seem to notice all the other signs, like, say, really low blood pressure, anemia, electrolyte imbalances, hair (and tooth fillings) falling out, and blue skin, just to name a few. Not to mention all the other, obvious psychological symptoms. I have to wonder what is actually being taught in medical school these days...

[precious things]

Originally Posted by whoswho

Exactly. My doctors (and I mean several, independent doctors) know I'm bulimic but have no qualms telling me that I'm overweight, need to lose weight, etc. Um, yes, I'm working on that, can't you tell? Or before I started taking medication (which caused the weight gain in the first place) I usually got something like, "Oh, but you don't look like you have an eating disorder." But they don't seem to notice all the other signs, like, say, really low blood pressure, anemia, electrolyte imbalances, hair (and tooth fillings) falling out, and blue skin, just to name a few. Not to mention all the other, obvious psychological symptoms. I have to wonder what is actually being taught in medical school these days...

That is awful- and sounds so triggering. I know during one particular bout of anorexia I was in bad shape ( no periods, lanugo growing all over, very low weight) but I always kept it hidden under layers of clothes. I told this one psychiatrist,who I had been seeing,that I thought I might have an ED and they told me that I didn't exercise enough and all anorexics over-exercise Now, logically I knew this person was incredibly ignorant but you can guess how much that triggered me into exercising/restricting more.

[precious things]

I don't want to clutter up the board with a new "woe is me" thread so Ill just add this to my post. I am struggling badly. I am so torn over kicking this ED voice to the curb or going the opposite direction and doing whatever it takes to lose. I hate where my weight is right now, it teeters on a number that is the highest it has been in a year. I want an "off" day where for once I have lunch and dinner. doesn't that sound lovely? But I can't, because then I will cross that awful threshold on the scale and I will sink into deeper self-loathing. I just feel so incredibly trapped, and the sad thing is, it's all in my mind.

[whoswho]

Man, can I hear you. I'm in a kind of similar spot myself. I know I should want to stop but part of me just likes it all too much. Yes, in my own twisted and sick way, I think I almost enjoy it. And it's this strange love-hate relationship that is so difficult to describe or even to understand. Having an eating disorder is like being in a really abusive relationship. Sure, the bulimia/anorexia will mercilessly and relentlessly torture you and kick you when you're down, but somehow it can always be turned around into an attractive and alluring prospect again. If you stick with me you'll lose weight, and once you're thin enough everything will be OK. Even after you've been around the block a couple of times and know that there is no "thin enough," it's hard to resist the temptation. But maybe this time will be different...

And just yesterday I was thinking about this, about the fact that it's "all in your head," and honestly I think that makes the whole experience so much more painful, too painful for words even. And family and friends and doctors and strangers all say such stupid, horrible, ignorant things like, "Why won't you just eat it?" I almost wish (for really I would not wish this pain on anyone) that they could feel the suffering of it being "all in your head" for one moment, and in that one moment they would reach a perfect understanding of this peculiar kind of suffering.

I'm sorry; I wish I had something better or more therapeutic to say...

[precious things]

Originally Posted by whoswho

Man, can I hear you. I'm in a kind of similar spot myself. I know I should want to stop but part of me just likes it all too much. Yes, in my own twisted and sick way, I think I almost enjoy it. And it's this strange love-hate relationship that is so difficult to describe or even to understand. Having an eating disorder is like being in a really abusive relationship. Sure, the bulimia/anorexia will mercilessly and relentlessly torture you and kick you when you're down, but somehow it can always be turned around into an attractive and alluring prospect again. If you stick with me you'll lose weight, and once you're thin enough everything will be OK. Even after you've been around the block a couple of times and know that there is no "thin enough," it's hard to resist the temptation. But maybe this time will be different...

And just yesterday I was thinking about this, about the fact that it's "all in your head," and honestly I think that makes the whole experience so much more painful, too painful for words even. And family and friends and doctors and strangers all say such stupid, horrible, ignorant things like, "Why won't you just eat it?" I almost wish (for really I would not wish this pain on anyone) that they could feel the suffering of it being "all in your head" for one moment, and in that one moment they would reach a perfect understanding of this peculiar kind of suffering.

I'm sorry; I wish I had something better or more therapeutic to say...

I am sorry you are suffering too, but it is helpful to know someone can relate to the way I am thinking and feeling

Regardless of where I am on the scale, I know in my heart when I'm out of control and engaging in an inappropriate relationship with food ... And, I feel like @#$%! whenever I'm in that place ... ... !!!

[precious things]

MAY TRIGGER

MAY TRIGGER

MAY TRIGGER


I have a current routine of foods I eat, this more or less keeps me in a certain range. Last night my H suggested take-out (I have only eaten at a restaurant 3 times since last Dec). When I am not into my disorder, we would always do something like this on the weekends. I liked the idea of getting this food. As I waited for it to arrive I weighed myself several times, in my head I thought " just try and enjoy it" while at the same time, " you can't afford to have this, you'll be up in weight in the morning...". Repeat this over and over until it was time. I ate and the first few bites were so flavorful and rich, much better than my safe foods. But then I knew I couldn't keep it in, and after the meal I purged. Back on the scale to see if I did any damage. Back on again, and again, and again, until I was satisfied it was all out.

Now I feel very empty this morning, and so the battle begins again. Stay empty or feed the beast? But clearly, I don't have a problem because my weight is " normal" ( that was sarcasm ).

Sorry, just needed to vent.

[AngelWolf3]

some triggers may be in my reply.......****


I completely understand. I had a similar thing happen on friday to me...not quite but similar, and it was almost comforting in a crazy way to do that (i hadn't purged in a year before fri) I'm afraid I will do it again and at the same time I'm afraid I won't have the balls to do it again. (if that made sense). So I exactly know where you are. And I am afraid to bring it up with T, but only because I don't know if I want to make it real by saying anything. Plus it was just that once since last year so she probably wouldn't think its a big deal anyway!
and the normal weight thing...like I don't deserve to have the acknowledgment because I don't weigh x pounds.

(hope u don't mind I shared ...)

[precious things]

Originally Posted by Wolfin3

some triggers may be in my reply.......****


I completely understand. I had a similar thing happen on friday to me...not quite but similar, and it was almost comforting in a crazy way to do that (i haven't purged in a year) I'm afraid I will do it again and at the same time I'm afraid I won't have the balls to do it again. (if that made sense). So I exactly know where you are. And I am afraid to bring it up with T, but only because I don't know if I want to make it real by saying anything. Plus it was just that once since last year so she probably wouldn't think its a big deal anyway!
and the normal weight thing...like I don't deserve to have the acknowledgment because I don't weigh x pounds.

(hope u don't mind I shared ...)

I'm glad you shared! This disease can be so isolating. It is hard for me to respond without sounding like a total hypocrite ( what you said about bringing it up to your T would somehow make it real- really resonated with me). You have the first step out of the way, which is you have a T. Hopefully it is one you work well with. I think it is entirely appropriate to say you don't want to minimize these feelings and you don't want to overstate the problem but you are really struggling with some strong ED thoughts and behaviors (see what a hypocrite I am ). Then the ball is in your T's court to ask further questions. Getting it out there is an incredibly hard step, I know.

[real life 11]

Yup! I always do - I'm seeing a therapist and have been for a few months now and still have this mentality. It holds me back from recovery because why do I need recovery if i'm not thin?