[gon3withth3wend]

I am afraid I'm developing disordered thinking. My mom has been threatening to make me go to the doctor and/or talk the T about a possible ED for months, and I've been fighting it. I KNOW that I'm skinny, but I THINK and feel fat. I look in the mirror, and I see that I'm rather thin, but I focus on the fat, and get quite obsessed. I was always small, but my family's suspicion started with unplanned weight loss last year. I enjoyed the attention that I got from being small, and I feel it turning into an obsession with being smaller. I have started to count calories, and eat well below my minimum suggested amount every day. I find myself being obsessed with calories, and my friends at school question me when I don't eat lunch, or only eat a tiny bit. The exception is that I eat when I feel upset, and may spend hours straight eating if I am feeling low. I admit to trying to purge my food, but I haven't thrown up since I was little and cannot not successfully do this. I always feel terrible about myself after I eat.

My T hasn't really shown any concern about my weight, which is nice. I think my mom told her once that she wants me to gain weight, but it didn't matter. I am technically underweight, but I don't look abnormal. I don't want to have to go to the doctor, and my mom told me that if I lose more weight, she'll for sure make me see someone. Today I went to the gym, and then my dad even watched me while I ate dinner to make sure that I was actually eating. I lashed out later because I felt so guilty for eating and ruining the fact that I had just burned more calories at the gym than I had consumed during the day. I don't want my friends and family to worry about me, and I guess I'm starting to worry about myself. I just want to be perfect and skinny though, and I absolutely cannot stand the thought of being five pounds heavier. At all. I'd honestly rather die. And I want to stop this before it goes too far. I know none of this is good, but I mentally cannot accept gaining weight or eating more at this point. I suppose I want tips on how to slowly regain more healthy thinking without having to go see someone. I'd love to stay skinny, but be healthy so that my friends and family wouldn't worry about me. I know that I have unhealthy tendencies, but I don't think I have an ED and I just want to avoid getting to that point.

[Travelinglady]

If you read your post again, then I think you'll see that you have answered your own question about, in all honesty, whether you have developed an ED. Do your statements such as "I'd rather die than gain five pounds" sound reasonable? And being totally obsessed with weight? And consistently eating below your minimum calories, overeating and the purging, etc.?

Alas, our society has become unreasonable in its weight expectations. The key point is to eat to stay healthy, and the way you're going, I worry that you will damage your health.

You know what I suggest? You take the initiative to bring it up to your therapist. You are being very wise in even asking the questions you are asking here. And you are seeing that your life is being made miserable. To me, yes, you have already crossed the danger line. Tell her exactly what you have posted here. Okay? Will you do that?

[Victoria'smom]

I always find it easier to tell T something before she notices or my husband tells her. That way the conversation is in my court. I've even said things and told her I don't want to talk about it. T doesn't bring up my ED very often. She has made it clear that she doesn't feel it's in remission. However she'd rather me talk about other things. Good luck.