[black dog boogie]

I have never been diagnosed with an ED, but I have concerns about having one. I have just never summoned up the courage to talk to anyone about it. I don't know how to seek a diagnosis or have one ruled out.

Here is a bit of what I go through.

From about age 12, I realised I was not thin like the other girls at school. It was the year I was bullied quite badly and some girls picked on me for having fat around my belly. (In particular, they laughed at the fat rolls on my stomach.)
Since then, I have OBSESSED over my body size/shape. Somewhere in my teen years I learned that if I constantly sucked in my stomach I wouldn't look as bad. I still do this, EVERY day. Constantly pulling it in. I've never told anyone. Not even my hubby knows I do it. This gives me back pain quite often, I don't know why, maybe it's from too much strain on my abdominal muscles or something?

I obsess over certain parts of my body, and when I express these concerns to others they tell me they can't see what I am talking about. For example, in conversations about body weight/size with other women I will say something like "I carry a lot of weight around my arms". Normally someone will look at me weirdly and say "I can't see any fat around your arms" or something to that extent.
I also obsess over the fact that I think the top part of my body is somehow bigger than the bottom half (due to my obsession with my arms being fat, I guess). Again when I express this to others they say "When I look at you, everything looks the same - top half and bottom half".
I HATE my arms. I hate the way my body looks. To the point that I will become angry when I see a photo of myself. When I'm in social situations I feel like everyone is judging my fat arms and fat body.

I've lost a bit of weight recently. I am really short, so I am not at all skinny. In fact, I'm disappointed that I have lost a bit of weight but it's not really been noticeable to anyone. Only one friend, and my sister, have noticed my weight loss. I feel a severe disappointment when I think about this.

When I eat, I often feel guilty about it. Even if I eat fruit. Or some vegetables. However, when I get really really low, I can't control my appetite. I will comfort eat. I will eat from boredom. I will eat just "because". I will eat to the point of being really full, and I will continue eating until the food is gone. Then I'll be angry and emotional and regretful.

Sometimes, if I binged bad enough, I'll push myself really hard going running and I might skip meals for a day or two. But I've never had the "willpower" to be anorexic even though when I was younger I REALLY wanted to be. I love the idea of not eating. But I think the fear of starvation slowing my metabolism and making me fatter stops me doing it. Along with the fact that I just can't not eat. As soon as I get hungry, all the other feelings I had about myself fly out the window and I eat and eat and eat. Sometimes I'll eat so much I'll feel sick, and even though I feel sick I'll still want to eat. This stuff doesn't happen on a daily basis though. Probably a few times per week.

When I was younger, I used to get so angry about my body that I would self-harm. I just felt that the way I looked was so repulsive, all I wanted to was mutilate my body for not being better looking. Sometimes now I still feel that urge (when the anger comes), though I haven't self harmed in about a year now.

Is this an ED? It's not really disrupting my life, but it means I feel INCREDIBLY bad about myself and I think it contributes to my social anxiety. (Because I am always feeling anxious that I am so ugly everyone hates me.)

[Victoria'smom]

I would really talk to your T about this, print it if you have to. If you don't have a T look for one that specializes in ED's. You don't need to fit nicely into a category to have an ed. I see a number of ways it's disrupting your life just in your post. If you don't have an ED you do have self image issues.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I would really talk to your T about this, print it if you have to. If you don't have a T look for one that specializes in ED's. You don't need to fit nicely into a category to have an ed. I see a number of ways it's disrupting your life just in your post. If you don't have an ED you do have self image issues.

I agree on every count. Printing out the post is a great suggestion.

[black dog boogie]

Okay. I don't currently have a T but I am hoping to be referred to one in the coming weeks who can help me finally sort out all this stuff Feel so low about it.

Also, when I made my post I didn't realise I'm not supposed to say what my weight is. I apologise if I upset anyone.

[hamster-bamster]

What is "cat therapy"?

[black dog boogie]

It means my cat is my therapist I have a pet cat and she is the loveliest thing in my life, she is wonderful and makes me feel loved and happy.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by black dog boogie

It means my cat is my therapist I have a pet cat and she is the loveliest thing in my life, she is wonderful and makes me feel loved and happy.

oh, I see. I can relate! I have three. All acquired in 2012 and one of the best things that happened to me last year.