eating disorder's daily check in spot

Relapse today. I can't even look at myself without almost tearing up. Is it possible to suffocate in one's own disgust?

Some of my co-workers are having a very public weight loss contest. First they didn't offer for me to join, which made me feel left out. Then they did offer for me to join in if I wanted, which made me feel fat.
So I have to confront a list of everyone's percent of weight loss on a daily basis, plus I've done very poorly resisting the temptation of the addition of the scale in the office. I really hate this.
They are trying to be more healthy, so I don't feel I can protest. I just need to do a better job being strong in the face of a LOT of triggers. I'm not sure how to proceed because I'm failing pretty badly.
I did at least resist joining the contest. At least officially. I'm somewhat concerned that I've joined it in my mind.

Didn't do too well over the weekend meal wise. I mean I did good when I ate, it's just that I didn't eat every meal. I can't fall into Ana's trap. Food is fuel and I need fuel.

That sounds really hard Gr3tta. I don't know how I would cope with that.

Check in wise - I am doing really good! I am eating properly and not freaking out too much about weight gain - my husband has been really supportive. I feel like I have lots more energy and my hair isn't falling out too much now. I'm stil bruising easily - but baby steps

Today was much better. I had 2 fruit smoothies, a pb&j, and then chips & salsa with quesadillas for dinner.

Today was big: I told T my whole story with Ed and I ate my first real meal in...I don't even know how long...

It's so much easier when I have food already made that I can just go to the refrig & get something out to eat rather than have to fix it......I always spend so much time trying to figure out what I want to fix that I end up fixing nothing. Brought some really good chicken salad with the grapes in it home from our church patriotic service & social last Sunday. 2 days of good chicken salad sandwiches was nice.

My kitchen has been inundated by ants & it makes it difficult to find a place to even fix something to eat. I made some oatmeal, pumpkin, cranberry cookies for a get together with friends last night. I didn't make all the cookies & put the cookie dough into the refrig so I can make a few cookies at a time....that way they are fresh when I want them. All my friends are overweight.....while I'm just at a healthy weight right now........I understand when all others are on a diet while I don't need to be on one.....& it's so easy for me to loose weight while it's so difficult for them.....sometimes it's a really awkward feeling.

I can eat normal when I'm either out with others or have easy to make food around the house.....it's a lot easier now that I have a working refrig back & cleaned out my refrig so I can get to everything.....easy....I realized how much it effected my ability to make food when I it was hard to get to & didn't know what I had available to eat.....but I still get lazy about cooking.....it's such a chore & I don't have the money for the snack food that makes it easy to snack on instead of eating a balanced meal.......so it's just easier to do without most of the time......& most of the time I just don't have a desire to eat or have a hunger for anything that really appeals to me.

Today was challenging. It was my second full day after talking to T, and unfortunately, it was just a day after talking to pdoc who weighed me...so I didn't do very well. I had a fruit and yogurt smoothie, a handful of cereal, and about a half portion of spaghetti with chicken and pesto which was super hard for me to eat because I had already tried so hard to eat the "right" amount yesterday. I was literally almost in tears doing it and it took me at least 20 minutes to finish. My pdoc is right though, it's good that I'm emetophobic (I told her that when she asked if I ever purge)...because if I weren't, I have a feeling that all would've gone down the toilet. And even though I barely made any success today, it feels like too much. I told myself that if I finished my spaghetti I wouldn't have to eat again today...totally defeatist I may eat some fruit later...fruit is on my "good" list, so if I can eat a serving of fruit later, then today will have been pretty successful -- eating 3 times rather than 1 or 2.

I feel really sick and guilty and I wish I could just eat a normal meal. This is exactly how I've felt so many times. You'd think I would've figured it out by now.

Today I told my mom I have an ED...her first reaction was to say that I'm not that skinny to which I said you don't have to be skinny to have an ED. And then she said that I haven't lost that much weight that fast...and of course, I did awhile back, but my metabolism has slowed down at this point so no, I'm not losing weight as fast, but I am still losing. And then she thought it was this new thing, and I was like no, it goes back to at least freshman year of college. Ugh. Dealing with her and this is gonna be like dealing with her when I was first diagnosed as bipolar. When I told her that, she said that I couldn't possibly be bipolar. At least I'm only living with her for another short while...3 weeks tops. And once she's gone, we'll never talk about it again. In all honesty, I wasn't even going to tell her, but then I said something about yeah there are good things in my life right now and there are also things that aren't, and of course she wanted to know what, so I listed them off. I think part of it for her is she's upset that she had absolutely no idea. And a lot of it for me is that she has no clue what having an ED actually means. She's like well there are a lot of EDs so what does you saying you have an ED mean

Went to the grocery yesterday & spent a fortune on food....my refrig has been broken for the last 2 months & just got it back & reorganized last week.....so now I can find things & know what I have in there.....so I went out & bought more food to put in the refrig....but this time I'm going to eat it rather than let it sit there.......after all that what I had to eat today????

2 plocts (a cross between a plum & an apricot)....3 baby back ribs & 10 strawberries.....not a well balanced diet.....will try to figure out something more if I'm not too tired after going to Lowe's.....planning on buying a BBQ to grill on....I have always liked the flavor of grilled food better than microwave or baked & never ate the fried foods because my system never could handle it.

I had a panic attack when I got to the register at the grocery....& emptied my cart onto the check out....lots of vegies & food to make.....now I have to MAKE the things that I bought the food for. I enjoy the chicken salad with grapes & nuts in it.....so I got the makings for that.....love the cucumber spread with.....on crackers or in wraps just like the chicken salad......lots of healthy fruits & vegies.....only a couple of frozen prepared foods for quick dinners when I'm desperate......& the makings for my favorite....mango/pinapple smoothies by the ton.....I could live on those during the summer along with salads.....but even at that, I seem to only be hungry enough to eat one time a day....sometimes snack food helps but usually.....I feel like it's an accomplishment to eat one real meal a day or I would be constantly making food & cleaning up the kitchen & living alone....I have too many other responsibilities than to be trapped in doing nothing but that.

I had an ok day today. Had to force myself to eat dinner, just wasn't real hungry. Could have just slept and called it good, but knew better than to let Ana's voice get ahold of me again.

Eskie: I think that what you had to eat was a good thing. Maybe next time add some veggies to it. Sounds like you have bought the makings for some yummy stuff. Do you have friends with which you could all get together and make meals for the week and then freeze them? I have heard of people doing this, but have never done it myself. I think it would help to just have to warm up/cook something than make and cook it too. Plus you only have a big mess once a week or so. Just an idea though.

Today I struggled with overeating again and I started at 7:30 this morning. I'm so ashamed of myself as I can't seem to stop. I used to be able to eat once in the morning and once in the afternoon. my goal is to not eat and fast, I have done this in the past and after three days I am no longer hungry. I did find a specialist here in my city that specializes in ED I think i will save up to go and see her. I have no perspective right now. My husband eats non stop, has a high metabolism and is very lean and skinny,doesn't help me at all.

Today T said anorexia. It's been the elephant in the room for quite awhile, but now it's out there. It came up when I said I told my mom and told her what my mom said...and she said something like yeah, everyone thinks all anorexics are super skinny. And at that moment, it became real. I mean, I knew it, but I didn't want to accept that yet. Accepting I have an ED (non-specified) was really hard for me...now I have to accept anorexia...I'm now the girl I never wanted to be...but I'm working on changing that. I had a smoothie and a few pretzel sticks before dinner, and still ate at dinner (though I felt super awful afterwards, to the point of bawling)...

SDRL take it one meal at a time one day at a time.

Doing ok today. Saw my pdoc and she weighed me, but didn't tell me how much. I want to talk to my dietician about knowing my weight first, before I just go looking. Numbers are a HUGE trigger for me, but I need to learn to face them.

Butterfli...I am SO proud of you! You are doing so awesome!! really making a commitment to beat Ana and you are such an inspiration to others.

Why do you feel you need to face the numbers if they're so triggering for you. I am also triggered by the scale, and so I let the professionals take care of it. My doc and dietician know what I weigh and they don't tell me. They won't let me go up or down more than a pre-agreed on number of pounds without addressing it with me (to figure out what's going on, not to punish me). I trust them to keep me from ballooning up and I don't worry about the numbers anymore.

Cant you work out something similar?

Tell me to shut up if I'm insulting you or being really stupid. I mean well.

bub: I think that once I am comfortable with knowing how much I weigh, Ana will no longer have any control over me. Right now I feel as if she is still controling my weight by me not knowing what it is. If I can confront the number, and know it is just that, then will I have really beaten Ana.

I saw my dietician today, and we ran out of time before we could talk about me finding out how much I weigh. I have graduated from every 2 week visits to monthly visits and she asked me the all important question of "Do you think you have an eating disorder still?" My answer was yes, because I still have the thoughts eventhough I am fighting them. I want to be able to say no I no longer have an ED, but at the same time I am scared to not have Ana as part of my life. Does that make sense to anyone?

It makes perfect sense.....I know for me, I have always aimed at staying within a specific range & when I didn't watch...it went out of control the other way....something I promised myself I would never allow to happen again.....but sometimes when that upper range gets hit, disordered eating is the easiest way of controlling the weight.....the trick is to not allow the disordered eating turn into the ED of anorexia again & allowing it to have the control......the difference is WHO IS IN CONTROL????

I will probably never exist without disordered eating problem for me is that it's really easy for stress & trauma to turn into anorexia & if me weight is already at JUST THE SAFE PLACE, it has no place to go but too low. It's really a fine balance line to walk & it's not easy to keep the control because for me, loosing weight can have it's own life & power. Staying within the healthy range is not that easy....there are days when I eat out with friends & feel like eating a few extra snacks right after the 1st of the month when I buy groceries. It's almost like a tight-rope walk that one does with the numbers on the scale.

I think it's important to be in control of those numbers ourselves....but in control to keep them at a healthy place....not the control that can set in when we do start so loose in order to stay within that balance.

For me, I think I will always have some level of disordered eating in my life...as long as I don't allow that disordered eating become the ED again....the battle that is ongoing IMO....here today, gone tomorrow, then back again.....as long as one can control the weight within the healthy range & be able to stop the disordered eating in either direction once the limit has been reached through one's own self-control....then is when the ED no longer exists IMO.

Thanks for answering me Buttrfli. I think what you're saying makes perfect sense, both in terms of the numbers and not wanting to necessarily give up the identity, even though you want to be free of the symptoms.

I've mostly been symptom free since December 2011, but I still consider myself to be recovering, not recovered. IMO, though, you can be fully recovered. I know the AA paradigm for drinking says that if you take one drink, you'll revert to your previous level of drinking and won't be able to control yourself. I'm not questioning that - I have no idea - but I don't think (again, just my opinion) that the same is true for EDs. I believe that we can be fully recovered. Our thoughts can be free of the ED demons, our body image healthy even if our body isn't exactly what we idolized it to be, and food is just something for nutrition or once and a while for enjoyment...but NOT an obsession.

I also think though, that upon times of great stress, our tendency and temptation will be to lapse into old patterns. To me, that doesn't mean that a person was not fully recovered.

At any rate, whatever you are doing Butterfli, you are doing well. I continue to pray that your Ana thoughts go away and your healthy ones abound.

Bub