eating disorder's daily check in spot

ate to much today ...my hubby says it ok for me to eat ...am fat

My body hates me. That's all there is to it. I have damaged it too far and now it hates me. I can't even eat a small bowl of cereal without feeling full. I thought I wanted to recover, yet it is so hard. I feel so stuck.

Was in crazy snack mode and couldn't stop myself from nibbling everything I laid eyes on this morning. Finally made a spinach pizza and felt full after 2 slices. Now I feel bad for the handfuls of cheese and slices of bread and Reeses I ate this morning when just taking the time to make real food would have solved most of my problems.

Feeling fatter than usual today.

I'm getting super anxious as it is approaching dinnertime in an hour or two and I'm freaking out! Today has been really hard starting from the moment my mom asked me if I had eaten today. We are so close that I simply refuse to lie to her anymore, like I did when I was self-mutilating, we both made an honesty pact and I am deeply flawed, but I never break my promises. She was very candid with me, and I with her. We reached a compromise, I drink health shakes of regular fat content, not diet like I always reach for. If my best still isn't enough and I continue to lose, I am destined for another hospital stay. They don't treat me right there and I'm already borrowing trouble with the "would have, should have, could haves." It might not be a horrible idea to admit myself again, because I also have Schizoaffective Disorder with psychotic features (I hallucinate) The hallucinations are getting really bad and I'm dissociating a lot and I can feel the strain I am putting on my heart. I've been overweight for as long as I can remember, and now I'm getting dangerously thin. I never thought I'd ever hear the words "Please eat, you need the calories." It's surreal. Confession time...I kind of enjoy seeing my collar bone, ribs, hip bones and even my spine become easier to see all the time. I still feel very huge though. I honestly think I could weigh nothing and still see a massive blob. Ok, wrapping it up, I'm just trying right now to please others and in time, maybe I'll start seeing things more clearly. Everyone else suffering, have ever suffered, or love someone who suffers from an ED, I wish you all the best.

I always feel so guilty about eating. I hate that bloated feeling I sometimes get, it freaks me out and I worry I'll bloat so much I'll burst.
It always starts of good, I always ensure I chew my food properly as gulping it down let's air in causing me to bloat.

Another Saturday, another huge struggle to fill time adequately without binging, purging or spending the entire day walking to get rid of the stuff going round in my head. I feel exhausted before I've even left the bedroom and I still have a whole day ahead of me.

My main tick box; walk (but not more than the designated limit), go to the gym (again limited), eat (but not too much, ideally nothing but I'm not allowing myself to go there...) and try to sort out how to spend a Saturday night safely (I struggle with this a lot) I feel really stressed out. I'm worried I'll end up binging and purging because I'll have eaten and still feel hungry, (bulimia seems to get rid of the hungry feeling like nothing else. It's depressing.) I was thinking about going out to the cinema but at the moment I'm having huge issues with sound and other people eating really irritates me. The idea of being in a cinema surrounded by people who seem to think the cinema is the place for the biggest banquet known to man, complete with near constant rustles of carrier bags and mobile phones going off... I just don't know how long I'll last. I can't afford the Ballet or Theatre (which I'd rather do) and have no energy for anything else. Eating is obviously out of the question.

I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like curling up into a ball but my ED filled head could never let that happen and even if it did, I know the depression and anxiety would only get worse. I feel like I don't have a space I can call my home because everywhere I go; there I am.
Eating disorders combined with depression are a nightmare.

Do you have any local museums or quiet places outside your house you can go? Even just sitting in the park feeding ducks older bread can be very therapeutic... if there are any ducks where you are at. I don't know, it might be getting cold enough in some places that they are starting to migrate.

Hm... That really only helps during the day, and most night time activities are going to center around food. Maybe you should consider curling up with a book and taking a long bubble bath. Even if you don't like to read you could listen to an audio book or music so you don't feel so much inside your own head. Make it a long ritual type thing where you just focus on picking out scents and decorations and arranging candles and whatever else tickles your fancy. It'll keep your mind occupied, and you'll get to spend some time chilling in the tub.

After the last couple of weeks of being crazy stressed out over everything and binging every chance I got, I finally got to the point where my give a crap meter capped out and I stopped caring about all the nonsense. I had a ham and cheese sandwich for my work lunch with a small bag of chips with a small piece of pecan pie. Tonight I made myself some chicken, peas, mash potatoes, and cranberry sauce. So... healthier food choices than I have been making since my last post is a good thing. I also found like a chip and dip tray (?) with sections in it. Since I can't be bothered to worry about calories and dieting, I'm going to try to limit my food intake to what will fit in the center square and ignore all the little side sections to have a measure of how much food I need to limit myself to. I needs to get back on track with my not-dieting-so-much-as-pretending-I'm-being-healthier campaign.

Wish me luck my beautiful people.

I wish so much that there was a library in existence in the UK (or maybe it's just London?) that didn't seem to have a rule that all children should run around, play chase, that teenagers should only ever visit with boxes of fried chicken and that mothers should always bring in crying babies and ignore then whilst they talk with other mothers over coffee take aways. Yup; library, filled with books and the fact the books are there seems to matter to no one else but the people who stay away from it because they want a quiet space to go!

Only other place I can get away from all the noise is the gym. I try to not spend too long in the gym because I've just gotten past several years of basicly abusing my body through exercise because I hated the fat that was on it. I go to the gym, but limit what I do and am wary of spending more time there! However, classes (yoga ...etc) are really useful and something I can do during the week, but the weekend there are only early morning classes. If I manage to sleep I like to stay in bed as long as I possibly can because I worry about how else I'd spend my time....

So far I've been trying to save the bulk of my admin work for the weekend, form filling, phone calls and so on. Then walking a bit, the gym and showering at the gym. I try to arrange a cinema or theatre ticket for the evening but (and I know I'm going to sound spoilt here!) I normally feel that low that I don't get anything out of it. It's just a better space to be in than at home thinking too much. I am lucky that in London things don't really shut down at the weekends. I am managing but at the skin of my teeth. I feel like if something were to come along and push me slightly I'd topple over the edge of a very tall cliff. I get to the end of my weekend and actually feel exhausted for having done very little other than juggle my time doing very little at all.

Hey- this sounds great! Good luck! Hope it goes well and let us know how it went?

Hello everybody and thanks very much for your honest input. I can soooooo identify with everything all of you said. From being scared of yourself, like as in scared to not having something pressing to do which will help to keep you away from food/binging/restricting and purging. I don't work now as I'm 56 and on social govenment sick benifit, but when i did work I worked 7 days a week, mainly, if I'm honest because it kept me to busy to binge/starve and abuse laxatives etc. I was ALWAYS very busy, if i had nothing planned to do, I'd make darn sure I filled up the void with anything ~~ diddn't matter what as long as it kept me away from food!! I feel extremely FAT and UGLY now, as for 8 months (until end of May this year when I lost him) I was nursing my Dad and time was in very short supply. I'd lost quite a lot of weight and was on the low side for my height (sorry, I'm not allowed to mention figures), well, very low weight for me. I diddn't force myself to loose weight, it was all of ther running around to various hospitals and consultants. Since Dad went in May, I've gained everything that I lost and more besides, I'm disgusted, and even severe restricting isn't working, as heavy laxative abuse is not either, nothing I've done in the past that rid me of access weight works anymore. I'm sure I've messed up my body too much, I got into all this ED lark when i was around 19 and it's never left me. Im diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder and with that comes the various ED's, self harm etc etc.
I hope when I come back most of you may have found something to help you feel better.

Sending much LOVE and HUGS. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Waggie...are you doing an inpatient? If so, I hope you get every bit of relief you deserve. You've struggled with this far too long.

Hi everyone, and hello to ''Shaggy''. Thanks very much for you message. NO, defo NOT inpatient, done those three or four times, though only twice for ED's. I couldn't hack anyone standing over me to watch me eat. Especially as I'm NOT thin at the moment, the bulimia doesn't allow me to loose weight, it mearly seems to let me stay the same, I'm a hundred miles for where I so want to be weightwise.So annoying as my clothes are all too small now, I lost a lot of weight when I was nursing Dad in those 8 months. I'm not eating much at all, but for some reason weight's piled on and it WON'T shift.
My heavy abuse of laxatives is becoming extremely painful, I have bleeding heamorides which, without being too graphic, protude to the outside of my bottom (butt) and some days/nights I cant even sit down, I have to lay on one side ......................................... and all in the name of darn ED's!!!! I KNOW laxatives do NOT make you loose weight, but the minute food goes into my body, I want it out ASAP. It's so very tiring to keep running to the bathroom every few minutes. Anyways, I'm not prepared to stop yet.I don't involve my Dr because I simply dont want to be stopped what I'm doing!!!!

OK hunny buns, wish you all well, LOVE and best wishes.

I need to say this somewhere because I believe keeping secrets is dangerous. I purged the other day. I didn't want to and it's been over a year since doing that on purpose. But last Thursday night I definitely purged. It's related to the other thing I'm not talking about... skipping meals. I am bored with my regular foods and have zero interest in expanding my repertoire of cooking right now.

Old thoughts are dancing around my head. Lose weight. Stop being fat. It's winter soon so no one would notice if you lost weight. It'd be so easy to hide. Honestly, since a break-up not too long ago, thoughts are more and more frequent. Old thoughts... "no one is crazy enough to love someone as ****ed up as you" ... they are spinning around. It's a breeding ground for my ED.

Trying to fight back. Increasing exercise as it grounds me in my body, in my strength, in what my body can do when nourished. Increasing meditation and meetings (I'm in EDA). I've come too far to mess up now. I can look past one slip and a few missed meals. I've been "in recovery" for a solid year. There is no going back. And yet... maybe for just a few pounds??? I hate my head sometimes. It is far sicker than I wish.

It's almost noon and I haven't eaten yet.
I know I should but I'm just not feeling hungry.
It doesn't help that with me being out of work right now, my fiance is the only one bringing in money so bills are tight.
And that means less money for food and I feel like he should be eating more since he needs the energy for work.

Sounds really hard atm! Please don't let yourself cave into the thoughts in your head, the fact they are happening is a big deal and you really would benefit from speaking to someone about them even if it's just to get them out of your head.

And spoken from experience; it being winter, maybe others wouldn't notice as easily if you did drop weight but you would! It's cold enough without landing yourself in weight-loss-freezing-hell because your body weight has dropped and your body has reacted by slowing itself down to sustain itself; trust me, once bitten, twice shy, I only have to miss one meal and I'm so slowed down I must drop temperature by a couple of degrees, it's not going to be a defining reason why you shouldn't focus on weight loss but if you did ever need a reason as to why it isn't a good idea, just remember how cold it actually gets when you lose too much weight- and that there is never a "I only want to lose 5 pounds" it always, always will go further than that because it always always feels too "good" to stop. And if it didn't feel this way, you'd not be thinking about doing it to self-medicate your depression like this.

Thought I'd just blog my rubbish day. I've been trying to reel things back in with my eating. Since starting Prozac my eating suddenly took a turn for the worse. I lost all my energy with Prozac; couldn't keep my eyes open and everything felt/feels like a chore. But I can't seem to fall asleep easily-and when I do sleep, I have night sweats. Night sweats make it difficult for me to eat because I see them as my bodies way of getting rid of excess calories and I have eaten to much so eating the next day feels very difficult even if my weight has dropped, even if I am very hungry. I manage but it's so hard to keep doing that.
Then my cooker died. It was covered by a warranty but took weeks for the company to get itself sorted out and replace it, I had to change how I ate and struggled with this too, it made it feel a bit too scary every time I ate something because for many of the reasons listed above it scared me and felt like I should not have eaten.

I was on 3-4 bulimia free days a week, now I'm down to 1 and it feels like I've lost everything. I feel really rubbish and today I thought I was OK but after eating lunch despite not feeling hungry (I'd missed breakfast because I'd slept in so was going to make sure I got lunch) I freaked myself out, felt fat and it turned into a bulimic episode.

So I've been trying to fix things this evening. I ate my evening meal. I have kept it down and it's now 4 hours later. I feel fat. I feel disgusted with myself and I feel worried about going to bed in case I get another night sweat.

Hoping for better tomorrow!

I was put on brintellix for my depression a month ago, in that month I lost half of what I gained while inpatient. No more brintellix for me, it is now prestiq. I am trying to eat, just have been so nauseous that I didn't want to. Will I ever be back to a healthy weight?

I feel compelled to write this. I don't know why, exactly. If you get thru to the end, you'll see it has a bright spot. But there is much darkness before the bright spot.

I'm not speaking for anyone else, but for me, bulimia is part of my cells or my DNA. Since 4, I have never not had body issues. There are no words to describe how much I hate my body. Not my face so much, but my body is disgusting repulsive and something I wish I could permanently get rid of and still be alive. I have had a few good runs of not b/p - maybe as much as 6 months in a row, but that's over 35 years. Even when I'm happyish. I never quit. I can't. I don't do it a lot and it's no where near as dramatic as it was when I was a kid, but I still binge and/or purge 7-10/wk. (and yes, every tooth is filled, capped or crowned).

I've been in weekly therapy for 5 years and I've made 40 years of progress in those 5. But still, on Saturday, I looked at myself in the mirror and was so disgusted by what I saw that I promised myself I would diet until Christmas. Not diet diet, but not binge or purge and only eat healthy foods.

I know today is only Tuesday, but it has been easy. Weirdly and strangely easy. I ate my normal breakfast. went out to lunch with colleagues and enjoyed my food, then cooked/ate dinner. I even exercised, which I almost never do because it involves moving my body, which makes me think about my body, which makes me hate myself worse. And except for writing this post, I haven't' thought about b / p at all.

Anyone had this happen? Any thoughts/explanation?

My T is giving me one week to show some progress/weight gain, before really talking residential...however, she's been wanting me to go residential for several months now and I don't really know what she means by let's give it one week more of trying outpatient. I just don't feel I need residential treatment. I've been worse before and really should have been in patient a few times but I pulled myself out of it. I try to eat and I do eat but just not enough I guess. She keeps saying the denial is so strong I don't see it. UGH