[Grey Matter]

My friend took me out today for my birthday (which is tomorrow) and it involved ice cream and eating in public. I have never been good with eating in public, or being in public. But she told them it was my birthday and I got this giant GOBLET of ice cream. And I ate it, and stopped half way, and my friend kept pushing me to eat more and more. And I finished it. And I felt so disgusted. I got twitchy, I wanted to get out of there are soon as possible. My friend, who I do love dearly, probably took it as boredom and I apologized at least 40 times. I came home and looked at myself, convinced myself I gained so much weight. And now I've skipped dinner and just feel so disappointed and angry at myself.

I should have seen this coming. I went on my first "diet" when I was 12, and when my mom found out she put an end to it. All while growing up, toxic extended family told me I am fat. Told me I would never be successful unless I was completely thin, and I wasn't even BIG. My dad then joined in at one point and told me to go on diets, would watch what I was eating, etc. The thing that gets me was I wasn't big in the slightest. I was a god damn child. And they murdered my relationship with food and my body. I hate both. I hate that I feel so disgusted with myself. I feel like I am making it up. I am just so frustrated and sad and angry and let down. God, I failed again.

[Samanthagreene]

Happy birthday! I'm so sorry you feel this way, and I hope you can get the help you need. It's terrible how even someone joking about body weight (which is doesn't sound like it was in your case) can create psychological turmoil later in life. I'm sorry you're so frustrated right now, but I don't think you have failed in any way.

[Grey Matter]

Thank you so much. I just feel like... I might not fit here. On this part of the forum. I think I am just being pathetic.

[Samanthagreene]

That's the illness talking. The more you believe you don't belong here, the more you probably do.

[Grey Matter]

And it one sentence you made it make sense for me. It's been attacking my mind for so long but I just did my best to ignore it and I just can't anymore. It's just always there.