Eaten to punish

Dear All

Hi, how you doin?
I'm not so good meself. Don't wana sound like a harping cow or anything though! My body aint that well and nor is me soul! I'm not in a very good headspace. My binge and vomiting is so outa control. I've had some blood tests done which reveals that I'm not such a healthy wee specimen. I'm quite worried about meself and all, but not so much that I'll stop being bulimic for now.

I don't understand why I know that I can stop it but I just don't. I just keep on going like a chain smoker, ready for my fix of nicotine. Why am I so addicted to doing this? I know it's partly coz I'm a glutton for punishment. I think underneath it all I want my body to rot. I don't feel like I'm anything much so why bother looking after meself? I do care about myself to some extent I suppose. I'm so very sad. I'm so very sad that I've had to give up on so many things in my life for a few years. I feel like I am not right. I've given up so many things and that is so depressing. I'm supposed to be sorting myself out - but I just get myself into more and more troubles. I really am whinging now, but I'm so sick of this!!!

I have so many goals for my life. I want so many things out of it! Too many, probably. My problem is a lack of faith in the unforseeable. I don't trust myself enough to allow things to work out. I don't let myself breathe really. I feel like I can't make mistakes, so why start things in the first place? This is no way for a person to live. I feel like I'm in a straight-jacket or something. Maybe I should be some of the time.

I really need some radical changes to happen in my life. I definitely need to give up being eating-disordered. Somehow, I need to gather up hope and strength and get back some semblance of a decent life. I pray that this can happen for me and all yee others out there who struggle similarly!

Love Sezzie!

Sezzie i dont really have many words to encourage you right now but i did want to let you know that i know what that feels like and it will get better in time. i know this because i can see your strength in your words. keep doing what you can and you will get to where you want to be in time.

i hope you have some support offline for what you re going through. my thoughts are with you.
((((((((safe hugs))))))))))
biiv

((((((((((seazzie))))))))))))
I'm so sorry. are you in thereapy. My T's view is that the way to get "over" an ED is to learn new ways of coping. That often takes confronting things that are triggers for u that u may not have fully explored before. I hope you find someone both knowledgeable and caring to work with.

oh dear, sounds bad...lemme guess, cholestorol thru the roof, electrolytes outta whack, magenisium, potassium and iron all down, possibly a really low heart rate and blood pressure too, tho i dunno how often the latter happen with bulimia, anorexia was my area of speciality, tho i believe the two are rather closely related...ok, so u don't hafta answer all that, getting a bit personal i know...but i've been there, done that w/the whole blood tests thing...what got me out of it was a passion for stuff beyond the anorexia and the anorexia was interferring with that...it wasn't ur gonna die, but u can't run track til ur gain sum weight that put me into action! well, actually "ur gonna die did put me into action" b/c being my typical defiant, feisty self i thought "nah, **** i'm not"...i've never been into appeasing, basically i reckon the only way to deal with a **** is to give it back as good as it gets, imagine the bulimia as a separate person, not a part of u and turn around n punch it's lights out, do whatever it takes to stop urself doing it (apart from otha harnful stuff that is!), there are some distractions on the self-injury board and they might work for purging to cuz it's basically anotha form of self-harm i reckon (altho othas may disagree on that i dunno)...if ur going it like everyday tho, i would seriously consider admitting urself into hospital...i know it sounds drastic but if i could turn back the clock to the worst points of my ED (i.e. when i thought drinking water would make me put on weight, along with diet soda!) that's what i wld do.

Hi all

Thanks for your responses
Yeah Zomb, sometimes I wish I could admit myself to a hospital or something just coz it gets so bad. I feel really sick with all these pains and everything some times. I don't know if I can just admit myself to a hospital though, just to clean myself up a bit. I don't think i'm in a mindspace to actually see the ed as a thing to fight against, I don't seem to have much of a fighting spirit no more. I'm alone a lot. I'm soooo depressed a lot. I don't think I have the strength.
Some times I don't think other people (therapists) see it as such a huge issue, even though it is to me. I think they sorta don't know what to do about it. We don't speak about it much. I think i need so much more help than I'm actually getting at the moment! I duno, I'm not trying to blame the therapists too much I hope, but I do think I need something more than they are offering to me at the present. Does anyone have any ideas what I could do

Love

Sezzie

u not having much of a fighting spirit is probly a symptom of the depression or bulimia, etc...u can do it, but u hafta believe that if u wanna get better, and u hafta be prepared to confront whatever caused the ed full-on which can b even harder than the ed itself...but it pays off in the end, honestly...i didn't know if i could beat depression, cuz it was ok afta they took away my ed, i still had depression, but once those damn pills actually started working i had to come down to reality and just f*cking deal...i mean, hello, the reason why (i believe) ppl develop eds in the first place is b/c due to them not knowing how to deal, having the ed beats the alternative. well, that's what i reckon anyway...but some of us recovered peeps r a bit harsh sometimes, i know, it's probly cuz we've defeated such damn harsh f*ckers to get there :P

anyways...sounds like ur T's cld b a bit outta there depth, and it's important to have knowledge ppl to help u if ur not feeling strong enuf to get there by urself...i did a bit of a search on da net 4 u...www.eden.org.nz is an eating disorders network, they got an office, support groups (i think, not 100% sure tho!) and if u contact them they'll give u a list of eating disorders counsellors who they recommend. also u can ask ur gp for a referral to the akld eating disorders service...if they refuse just call the service urself it's 09 376 0656, their office is in ponsonby...i dunno much about the hospitalization option, but i'm sure u must b able to just admit urself if it's real bad, the eating disorders service cld probly advise u there n hook u up...i'd also recommend u read "wasted: a memoir of anorexia and bulimia" by marya hornbacher...i'm not usually a great fan of ed biographies b/c so many of them say "i have no idea why i became (insert specific disorder here) and all that and i think of course u frigging know, u wldn't have recovered from it if u didn't!!! but this one is REALLY,REALLY good, it's really inspiring too, the author had an ed for over a decade and reached a ridiciously low weight and had blood tests that wld probably give the most experienced of ed doctors a heart attack...but she got better! BEST OF LUCK...ur strong hun, u wldn't keep coming here if u weren't...the site also has sum self-help tips too

Hello I hope you are feeling better at this time. My name is Soidhonia, and I would like to give you some hotlines that you may call to talk to someone about your bulemia. 1-800-273-Talk. I am also going to leave you myemail address in case you email neohiodbsa@yahoo.com. All informaiton that comes to this email is strictly confidential and anonymous. You are welcome to write me as well if you would like I will give you my home address if you email, so that you can share your stories with someone if you like. I am not sure if you are aware but there aere treatment programs for bulemia, and it may help you to gain an insight into your problems and you will be able to meet others that understand your problems, and bulemia as well. If you are in danger healthwise it may be the most important thing to take care of your physical needs at this time, and get your bulemia under control and get into behavior therapy for the bulemia, so that you can have a healthier life, and feel healthier as well. You did not say what caused this problem of bulemia, and you may discuss anything you wish with me if you email me at my email address. I hope the best for you at this time, and I hope that you will get the help that you need and deserve soon, to help you feel better emotionally, and physically. Sincerely. Soidhonia