[ThisWayOut]

I had battled an ED all through high school and well into college. After 8 years, I was able to drop the disordered eating (there were other poor coping skills, but the ED was in remission).
Lately, the combination of my mom's very strong opinions on what I and my wife eat and the increasing depression, I find myself falling back into my ED... I'm blaming it on the depression when people ask about my lack of eating, but in reality, I'm indulging the ED-thinking. I panic when I eat "too much" (which is anything more than the slightest meal once a day). I eat only comfort foods, which make me feel worse because they are more unhealthy... Also, when I do actually eat more than a few bites, I feel physically ill and end up purging without consciously trying.
I brought it up to my T last week, but safety was a bigger concern the last 2 sessions so we did not talk much about it. I start a day program tomorrow where we are provided with lunch and expected to eat. I'm worried they will see more of my blossoming ED and make me deal with it. It's hard enough that I am expected to give up the self-harm cold-turkey, but then to have to give this up too? I know it's not good coping. I know I need to deal with it, but I'm not emotionally in a space to do that right now.
I don't know why I wrote this other than I needed to admit it somewhere. I'm trying to reason myself out of it, but the panic about it all comes rushing back.

[Gr3tta]

I can relate to this a lot. I'm glad you shared it. I hope the day program is helpful for you.

[Victoria'smom]

right now don't force yourself to eat anymore than you can. You are giving up one habit with all the stress you can't really push yourself with this issue as time goes on and the stress reduces eating should become easier.