Just to be clear, I've never been officially diagnosed with an eating disorder and I'm sure I probably still weigh too much to be considered to have one. But I've had doctors and my mom worried about my rate of weight loss. But I'm overweight and I have been since I hit puberty—as in overweight based on all the charts.

But also, whenever I see weight-loss ads, they confuse me because the after picture still shows someone who's fat. I mean, granted they're skinnier, but they're not skinny.

I won't feel right until I go back to the way I was as a child—slightly underweight. Plus, based on college experiences, if you aren't the skinniest girl in the room, it doesn't matter if you have a pretty face, hair, etc. or you have a good personality because no one will talk to you because you're not the skinny. I don't even think it's good enough to be skinny anymore. You have to be the skinniEST. We had about the same level of general attractiveness outside of weight and had similar personalities, but I was invisible and she got more attention than she wanted. If I was as skinny as her I bet you a guy would have been interested in me. Especially since I have a decent sized chest. But I have no hips so if I have any stomach at all, I look like a slob...and no matter how fat I was, I never had fat around my hips/pelvic area, so I always had a bizarre body shape. AND, the skinnier I am, the more boyish I look, and I like that.

Skinny people must look at me like a fat, lazy slob, since I can't exercise extensively (or much at all) because of joint/muscle problems I have (that remains undiagnosed, which clearly indicates that I'm lying *rolls eyes*). So I try to compensate by eating less but because of low blood sugar and low iron counts in my blood, I'm supposed to be eating often. The blood sugar is the worst because it means I need to eat almonds and really sweet things just to be strong enough to continue doing stuff and not just falling asleep from sudden exhaustion. And I eat a lot of fruit, but apparently that's not necessarily a good thing, and my pre-diabetic friend doesn't eat fruit.

Another part of me just wants to go vegan, but that would support my fruit habit (I mean, I ate 2 apples this morning! I was still hungry so I ate another apple) Most of the time when I'm still hungry I'll eat fruit or something sweet. I would also get away from dairy if I worked towards becoming vegan.

Which brings to the last thought I had tonight...I'm allergic to dairy (not lactose intolerant, but actually allergic to a dairy protein) which won't kill me if I eat it, it will just make me sick. Part of me wants to have dairy around if I eat too much of anything (but especially fruits/sweets) so I can use it to help purge.

I just don't know...I just saw an ad for a new weightless pill. If I added that to becoming vegan and getting nutrition/dietary tips from a vegan friend of mine, maybe I could get down to my ideal size X.

And at the end of the day, how much will it matter how skinny I am if I have ugly skin anyway. But I won't ever even begin to feel attractive until I reach the ideal size. The size of the girl that all the guys were all over in college.

[anneo59]

Hi there, I hear you! Are you getting some professional help or have some support? I can relate to some of those comments and feelings you've mentioned, have had them before, myself!!! Take care!

Originally Posted by anneo59

Hi there, I hear you! Are you getting some professional help or have some support? I can relate to some of those comments and feelings you've mentioned, have had them before, myself!!! Take care!

No, I don't really have either professional help or support...the extent of concern has always been "you seem to be losing weight a little too quickly", although I think that's nonsense while I'm still overweight or my mom bugging me until I eat something—which she obviously was able to do when I lived at home but now that she's figured out how to use Skype, she can now do it wherever I am.

[anneo59]

I really like your quote! Actually, I guess it's often considered "healthy" to be medium, although some would call that blah. Maybe with weight, too. I know it's hard. If you don't have help, is there another person you trust who could give you feedback? I know sometimes it's hard to be objective about weight and it can get dangerous! Hope you are doing ok, today!

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

No, I don't really have either professional help or support...the extent of concern has always been "you seem to be losing weight a little too quickly", although I think that's nonsense while I'm still overweight or my mom bugging me until I eat something—which she obviously was able to do when I lived at home but now that she's figured out how to use Skype, she can now do it wherever I am.

hope you doing ok, friend!!!!