[winterglen]

Every time I hear a story about someone who has anorexic I feel like I'm in competition with that person. I have to be better than that person, I have to be skinnier, I have to go longer without food, because if I'm not as good as that person, then my ED doesn't count. People won't care about me. They'll only care about her.

I want so badly to be like the anorexics in the magazine articles I read, because they are so happy and confident, and because they do everything right, and because everyone likes them and wants to be their friend. They accomplish so many great things and they impress everyone with their brilliance and talents and general innate good character. They have the perfect lives and they do everything so perfectly, and I want that life.

I'm angry because they have earned all these good things in life and apparently I haven't. Instead I get reminded that I'm not as good as they are, that I haven't earned kindness or respect or confidence. I try but my efforts are never good enough. They are better. Until I'm as good as them, I'm worthless garbage.

Common sentiment has it that I should be kind to myself and accept my imperfections, but that just doesn't seem realistic. Asking me not to want to be like those girls is like asking me not to want to breathe air. If I want to succeed at anything in life, I have to be as good as they are. I have to prove that I'm worthy of other peoples' respect. I don't want to be a failure.