Can't move forward

I'm not optimistic this year.

I'm wishing more than anything that I was one of the beautiful people instead of one of the unworthy troll people. My mind is filled with unworthy troll thoughts of envy and resentment and if I continue to dwell on my unworthy troll thoughts, I doom myself to a terrible life. But I can't get rid of those thoughts.

My ED was supposed to help me become a wonderful person. I see books and articles about anorexics and they all have such wonderful lives. They get straight A's, they have zillions of honors and awards and achievements, and everyone loves and admires them. Even their weakness seem like high accomplishments. Imagine people thinking that you are so smart and talented and popular that they tell you that you can relax -- that you've earned the right to relax. I'd love to have that life.

But even after my ED, I don't have it. I'm not good enough to join their world or have all the good things they have. I'm still stupid, lazy, unaccomplished, old and alone. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. Or maybe I'm just too defective and I'll never deserve those things. I can't do anything except think about food. My writing career is completely derailed because I'm spending all my time writing instead about how I wish I could be as smart, talented, and perfect as the girls I read about.

I hate myself so much for not being as good as those girls are. I hate that I'll always be inferior and that I'll never have the life I want. I understand that it's no one's fault but my own. I made terrible choices: if I had only done the things that those wonderful girls did, people would like me just as much. How can I stop wanting to be one of the worthy people? (And, I am very sorry, but telling me that their lives aren't that wonderful doesn't work? I simply don't believe it.)

Thank you for your patience.

I don't know what dream world you are living in or what fantasy books you have read about people who struggle with anorexia or ED's but FYI.....most have gone through CSA or other trauma, some have dealt with the struggle dealing with abortions, rape & horrible things that have happened in their lives.

ED's initially are coping mechanisms to control an otherwise uncontrollable situation in their life & it's usually NOT about having such a wonderful life & being so perfect & body image to start with usually isn't even part of it though it turns into that over time.

The fairy tale books you are reading to make anorexia look appealing is JUST NOT ACCURATE. You need to get your facts correct & it's NOT the PRETTY PICTURE that you are trying to paint for why people end up struggling with anorexia.

You seriously need to clear up your distorted thinking regarding anorexia & ED's in general.

I never said I got into my ED because I thought it would be a barrel of laughs. Do you think I haven't felt pain or suffering? I get that my problems weren't as bad or as important as some suffering from those terrible things you have mentioned (and I certainly won't claim that they were) but I have felt lost and confused and unable to articulate the pain that I've been through.

I got pulled into my ED because I was desperate for the things the girls in those examples seemed to get: love and respect, success, sympathy, understanding. I didn't get a lot of sympathy and understanding when I was growing up, and even today I feel like I'm constantly striving to make up for it.

I live with constant regret that if I were a better child, then other people would not have treated me like s***. I grew up with other kids rejecting me and bullying me and not understanding why until years later when I look back at my behavior and see how disgusting and stupid I was -- of course people would treat me badly as a consequence. Why did I not see what I was doing was unacceptable? And why could they not see that I wasn't trying to be annoying or disgusting; that I just didn't know any better?

If you lived the life I have, you might begin to see why anorexia, as it is presented in the media, starts to look like an appealing answer to your problems. Unlike other mental illnesses like drug dependency, books and articles about this ED seem to be lauding the disease more than giving an urgent awareness. They seem to say, "This girl is so wonderful. Why can't you be more like her?" I mean, Jerry freaking Christmas, they usually include the girl's lowest weight in the articles. They might as well say, "Until you weigh as little as this, we won't care about you. You're not good enough."

"Not good enough" seems to be the mantra of my life. It has been even before my ED and will probably continue to be until long after I die. Not good enough to have friends. Not good enough to have a decent job. Not good enough to be accepted as human being. Living under that does take its toll on someone.

I'm sorry for any pain and suffering you have been through. I truly am. But I have been through some suffering myself, and while it might not seem important to you, it seems overwhelming to me. Please don't take it personally: it's just one of my many, many defections not to be able to handle pain well.

I am so sorry for your struggles. Having an ED is not something to take lightly, neither is the thinking that is behind the reason we have one. The ED won't bring you to happiness, but it is will continue to make you feel miserable because of the constant thoughts that are flowing through your head. It is a struggle of mine as well, and unfortunately thoughts still haunt me even though I no longer know they are true. It is our mind that tricks us into thinking it is the way we can achieve what we feel others have achieved with very little effort.

People are *starting* to do more promotion of healthier weighted women, but it is still sparser than it should be. Understanding yourself, as the battle is first with yourself, that it doesn't need to be that way - that people can really love you for who you are, not what you think they want. Anyone who says otherwise is not worth your time or energy in associating with in any way.

I wish you the best, and hope that perhaps a journey to recovery will eventually happen, even if not immediately. It will help you feel better in the long run, I truly believe.