Out Of Control

Wow..
I've always had issues with food.. i used to eat ONLY junkfood when I was in middle school and even high school.. My family began teasing me about being overweight about 3 yrs ago, but I ignored them and convinced myself that I was still 116lbs.
About 6 months ago, i looked in the mirror, without looking at my face, and pretended that my body was somebody else's.
I was terrified to see how fat I'd gotten. I felt like overnight I had gained like 30 pounds!!
I began to go to the gym and watching what I was eating,
I stopped eating at fast food places.. (the last time I ate at McDonalds was in May), and no more soda AT ALL.
I some how lost 10lbs..
About 2 months ago, I weighed myself and I still weighed too much.. about 142lbs and I'm only 5'1..
(I know, that's HUGE)!!
Now, after reading symptoms of anorexia, I've realized that I do alot of those things..
I barely eat enough during one day to make even a meal, i keep a food diary, im depressed, i isolate myself from everyone, i can't go shopping because I feel like I'm too fat because I am..and soo many others..
that's scary.
I know i have a problem but it's like I don't even care.
All I want to is to lose weight and be happy with my appearance.
I dont want to be healthy because i don't want to get fat.
I've been eating sooo much this past week and didn't even exercise ONCE! I am so ashamed of myself..
So now i starve myself.. yesterday, I ate 1/2 of a steak and some disgusting fries, and then coffee for lunch. It's past noon now and i haven't eaten a thing.
im so dumb, huh?
I know it's not good to have that kind of attitude but that's just how I feel.
I never thought that I would ever have an eating disorder, but i guess i was wrong.
Im so messed up.
and it doesn't even matter.
anyway, I don't know what to do..

You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometimes
Well you just might find
You get what you need

Sounds like Blunemia, Yes that does sound hard not only does all that make you fat but it also can hurt your heart and health. I suggest you talk with your family doctor and decide where to start, you can turn your life around but there is only one person who can, you! Of course you will probably want some help, some programs provide therapy and all that. But very common, kids look at food on commercials and it is usually not good for them but the commercials make it look that way. Don't feel bad, you are aware of it and that is good, please vent whenever you want here on Psych Central! Good luck to you!