[Oliveaux]

Hi everyone,

Ten years ago, I was diagnosed with bulimia nervosa and ED-NOS. In truth, my disorder fitted the diagnostic criteria for anorexia nervosa whoever I wasn't thin enough for the diagnosis (I was at what they call a 'healthy' weight) hence I was given these others.

In my experience, an ED is similar to an addiction in the sense that it doesn't fully go away, though we can choose not to actively engage in it. I don't use IV drugs anymore and haven't for a few years, but there is still occasional cravings, and staying off it requires daily effort. My EDs are the same for me.
Nonetheless, I wanted to share for anyone who may find it helpful, two things that were the framework for my recovering. I was very lucky to have a great therapist specializing in CBT to help with these.

1) Expanding my definition of what constitutes beauty
2) Decreasing the importance i put on appearance.

Regarding number 1; when I was very sick, i believed that emaciation was not only the most beautiful way to be but the only beautiful way to be. Anything less was excessive, unsightly and showed that I was greedy, needy and bad.
My therapist had me show her pictures of what I wanted to look like, these were mostly emaciated ballet dancers etc. We talked about how unhealthy this was etc, then for the next week, she had me find photos of healthier women i would like to look like. That sounds like a small thing but it was a big step for me. From there, i made the decision to stop watching TV, reading magazines and engaging in media that showed extreme thinness as beauty. Seeing the huge difference between what's in magazines to the people I see walking down the street, I realized there was a huge discrepancy. A big part of my healing was avoiding those triggering things. Then I made the decision to find positive representations of diverse bodies. At first it was very difficult for me to look at, but I looked at body-positive blogs that showed different bodies, especially fat bodies, as being normal and healthy and beautiful. It was the opposite of the 'thinspo' i used to look at. It took about six months for my feelings about what constitutes beautiful to change, but it was a huge help and very rewarding.

Regarding number two, I devoted more time and energy towards doing things I cared about. For me, this was creative writing. I was lucky to have supportive people in my life who gave me positive feedback about my work. I realized I had value beyond how attractive I am, and made a point to focus my time and energy on those qualities. Being able to value myself for more than my looks enabled me to increase my self-esteem and become less concerned about my appearance.

I hope this helps someone out there. As I said, I don't think all these feelings ever fully go away but they certainly become easier and lessen with time. I haven't had a relapse in about four years now and it gets better and better.

Thanks for reading, good luck everyone xo

[eskielover]

Reprogramming the mind & fixing the bugs is never easy in the mind of in computers......love the way you & your T approached the issues....very positive way of doing it.....good job....i may never totally go away, but having control & recognizing is what it takes over the fact that it may not go away totally ever.