[boydisappearing]

So a huge part of my life is theatre. I love it, wouldn't give it up for anything. But I'm deep into a relapse right now, as well as in the middle of tech week (the week before a play opens, when we spend 12 hour days in the theatre practicing with lights, costumes, sound, and fine tuning everything before we open tomorrow.)

I need to give this play my best. I've been working really hard to just EAT something during rehearsals so that I don't pass out on stage because that would be bad and I do get dizzy because it's a high intensity show (Sweeney Todd). I've been working really hard to keep my performance at a high level so the production team has no reason to doubt I can do my job. They are aware of my eating struggles.

There's a scene in Sweeney Todd that opens act 2, where the ensemble (which I am in) are at a table ravenously devouring meat pies (while singing of course). Up until yesterday, I had asked and made sure that we wouldn't be using real food, that we were just miming. And then with very little warning, yesterday during the run they added real food to the scene. I tried so hard to get through it, every time someone put something on my place I just tried to stay in character and somehow slip it onto someone else's plate. I got through the number, didn't screw up a thing, hopefully didn't let on that I was freaking out. But as soon as I got off stage I had a panic attack. I went out into the hallway under the stage but had no time to calm down because I was in the next scene so I had to go back onstage.

I was so so so angry for the rest of the night. Not at the production team for putting real food on the stage - I can't expect them to change their vision of the show because I have issues - but I was incredibly angry at myself for reacting the way I did. The more angry I felt, the more angry I got for being upset.

I really don't know what I'm going to do. I'll have to deal with that scene at least twice today, and then when we open, every night. I hope I become desensitized to it, and I hope I can get through the scene without eating anything but also without it being too obvious that I'm not eating anything. I wish I had a quiet place to go calm myself down afterwards but I need to go back on stage immediately after.

I'm sorry that you are having struggles. And while I wish I had advice, i dont because I dont know what it is like to walk in your shoes when it comes to ED. I hope that someone reads this and is able to give you advice/validations. Best of luck!

[boydisappearing]

It's ok, we decided today that we wouldn't use real food, just mime it all. I'm very thankful, but I did have to get through running the scene over and over again trying it with real food and trying it with miming several times each. I was lucky that a couple of people had dietary issues and couldn't eat the food either, so I didn't really stand out.

I made it through running it over and over though, with food and everything, so I'm pretty sure I can handle anything the stage decides to throw at me.