[RisuNeko]

For the past coupole of months I've been cutting my calories back further and further to the point where for the past month or so I've been eating like, very few calories a day. Generally just a small handful of dried banana chips in the morning or a fruit cup, and then a small salad for dinner if I have dinner. I've never been diagnosed with an ED, but I have had some episodes of rapid weight loss and gain over the past 5 years, and I had a couple of phases of binging and purging that no one knew about. I was prescribed metformin to help me lose weight but my pcp says that you're only supposed to lose like 10 lbs on it, not what I have lost (and still losing more).

In my view I still have some weight to loose to get back to my goal weight and I want to get there as fast as I can, and I have no appetite from not eating consistently, so I figure the fastest way to get to my goal weight is just to restrict like this. My biggest fear is losing control and binging and gaining weight again. When I was depressed and on 3 antipsychotics and got as large as I was, I was horrified, and I never want to be there again. I felt awful and I was ugly and slow and just horrible. I still am. I'm still obese, but at least I'm not THAT obese. (not that I have anything against obese people, I just don't want to be obese myself).

My PCP is worried about me and I have an appointment with him today to talk about my weight loss and diet (I also walk about 4 miles a day every day). This is the first time my eating issues are ever going to be confronted and I'm horrified about what he's going to say. I know he's going to tell me to eat more, but I can't. I've tried stomaching protein bars and protein shakes just to get calories, but I either can't finish them or throw up (not intentionally, my metformin makes me nauseous). Or he's going to take me off the metformin and I'm afraid my appetite is going to go back to being voracious. That's another one of my biggest fears. I do NOT want to binge on candy or fast food like I used to.

I'm on a lot fewer psych meds now than when I was first prescribed the metformin, so that could partially explain the rapid weight loss. That's my psychiatrist's theory. I hope my doctor buys that theory too.

I know I probably don't have an eating disorder (there are time frame constraints and weight restraints etc.) but I know I have disordered eating. I just don't know what to do, or what to think. Any ideas?

[RisuNeko]

Well I just got back from the doctor and I didn't lie to him when he asked what I eat in a day, I just didn't mention the days when I don't eat anything or only eat like 150 calories. He said I was fine and healthy. Apparently dropping 48 lbs in two months is fine if you're overweight even if you're not eating, but it's not okay to not eat if you're thin. Whatever. Works for me. As long as I can continue to lose weight.

[spondiferous]

I'm not a medical professional, but I have to say that eating what you described in a day is worrisome. It's difficult sometimes to get an accurate perspective from medical health professionals because we (north americans; i live in canada) live in a culture that is obsessed with thinness, where there is no such thing as being too thin.

I think you should go with how you feel. You mentioned that although you don't believe you have an eating disorder for various reasons, you recognize a pattern of disordered eating. I am inclined to agree, based on what you have written here, and while I am happy for you that your doctor didn't get on your case about being unhealthy, I would get a second opinion, and perhaps talk with someone you feel safe talking to about what healthy nutrition looks like.

I don't know anything about your body, and that's not really the issue, but I do know that there are all kinds of bodies, and as long as a person is healthy, it shouldn't matter what they weigh or what size they are. Healthy, as I am using the term here, means having a healthy relationship with food and body image, and maintaining a level of activity that is comfortable and safe for that individual body.

I wish you well, and I hope you find what you need and avoid all the things that you don't want to fall back into. As for what I've just said, feel free to take what you like and leave the rest. I am a 36 year old woman with 20+ years of experience with disordered eating, just so you have an idea of where I am coming from.

[RisuNeko]

Thanks for the advice. I do recognize that my eating is disordered and I'm going to try to work on it and maybe talk to my new therapist or pdoc about my issues/thoughts. I know my thoughts about food aren't in order either. I have a strong psychological aversion to eating most of the time unless it fits into my very strict limitations that I place on myself. I'm still definitely obese from gaining 115 lbs in two years of being on too many antipsychotic and other meds and I really just want to get to my original weight (180, I'm 247 right now down from 296) but whether I can actually stop trying to lose weight when i get to my goal weight. (If I get there at all)

I don't need to be thinking too much about the future right now I just want to focus on trying to get at least more nutrition in a day.