Mostly recovered...but not really

My anorexia started when I was 15. It started out as starvation and purging. Then binging and purging. I was severely emaciated throughout those 10 years of anorexia interspersed with periods of weight gain during multiple inpatient stays. I've been in recovery from anorexia for 4 years. During the last 4 years my weight has gone up, up, up. It's getting out of control. At first I thought it was due to medications. But no, it's just me. See, I go through periods of restricting (maybe for about a month or less), and then longer periods of overeating. So my metabolism is just f*d up because I haven't really given myself enough time to just eat in moderation. So right now I weigh more than I've ever weighed in my life. I'm very overweight but not yet obese. It's funny how they tell you your fear of becoming obese is irrational when you're sickly skinny....and then eventually it happens. I guess the good thing is...it doesn't stress me out as much as I thought it would whenever I was underweight. But it's still bothering me quite a bit. I'm perfectly content with being at a healthy weight....like I have no desire whatsoever to lose tons and tons of weight like I used to desire all the time. So I am recovered in a lot of ways. But I cannot control my overeating. I can't stop thinking about food but not because I'm starving....I just get these insatiable cravings for food even when I'm sleeping. I have been dealing with a lot with my bipolar (possibly schizoaffective) disorder lately and it's possible the stress is just making me want to cope with food. But it's really stressful when clothes that fit me only a month ago are now too small. Really stressful.

Anyway, just venting mostly. Maybe someone can relate. I am currently diagnosed with "Other Specified Eating Disorder" since obviously I no longer fit the criteria for anorexia or bulimia and I've never fit the criteria for BED...I still occasionally restrict, sometimes I purge (but not often), and I go through periods of overeating. I term myself as having disordered eating rather than having an eating disorder anymore. I wish I could have a healthy relationship with food.

Do you have a nutritionist? I lost a lot of weight at one point due to inability to regulate my schedule and I saw a nutritionist who helped me get to a healthy weight according to my size. If you are having trouble regulating your intake, a nutritionist will be able to help you eat healthier, lost the extra weight and curb your diet to increase you metabolism. Hope this helps.

Oh dear dear CrazyLo, how I so do identify with absolutely EVERYTHING you mentioned in your "vent", wow wee, I can't believe that someone else has literally mirrored the way my ED has manifested over the last 30 plus years. I spent my childhood being the "Clesses fat kid", mainly because the other kids were right ~ I was the ever growing fat kid having come from a family of compulsive eaters!! By the time I'd got to around 18/19 I went on my first "diet", which basically ment slowly cutting out various food groups. My weight went down n down until I'd lost so much that my only big fear was gaining weight due to the binges I had started to indulge in. These binges were to become frightening and I lived in fear of them. One night after a really bad binge I became so depressed, that I couldn't stand it anymore and took an overdose. That was the start of many many admissions to the psych hospital. I've been diagnosed atypical anorexic, Borderline Personality Disorder, EDNOS and low salt.
I'd really like to share more with you sometime, I hope we can manage to do that. I
HUGS and LOVES, as ever. Xxxxxx

I've seen so many dietitians that they just don't help me anymore because I know exactly what I need to do...I could practically be a dietitian myself what with the years of dietary counseling I've had. I do actually have a current dietitian...I just don't see her that often due to finances since my therapist and psychiatrist are so expensive and really my weight problems have been put on the back burner because of my mania and psychosis for the past two months and 4 inpatient stays at the psych hospital.

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more!

Yes, so like I said in last post, I've been hospitalized in the psych hospital 4 times in the last 2 months. Well, at this particular hospital they give you tons of food and technically you're not supposed to eat all of it but no one really limits how much food you consume and with my overeating tendencies I've gained at least 15 pounds since June...maybe 20 pounds. This last hospital stay I was purging 2 or 3 times a day. So basically I treated my hospital meals like binges and then I would go purge.

I am greatly stressed out about my weight gain but my treatment team is more concerned with my mania and psychosis and like I said the weight piece has really been put on the back burner until I am more stable. But I am hating my body...I think according to BMI I am obese but BMI is so inaccurate plus even though I think I look gross I don't really look obese.

Anyway, I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. It's frustrating that the eating disorder does not go away, at least for me, it just keeps taking different forms. When I was a child I was also a compulsive over-eater. I got really chubby the last few years of elementary school but I was never teased because I had a high popularity status. Then in middle school I had growth spurts and thinned out a lot but I was also not eating all day and then would eat a bunch at night. I think my metabolism was a lot better back then because given the amount of food I was consuming, particularly in the summer where I would eat all day, I really was on the thin side all the way up until I started purging when I was 15.

Anyway, pm me if you want to talk more about it.

I feel like I am reading my story. In total I suffered ED for 10 years. First anorexia, then bulimia as a way to cope with the weight gain, the BED when I finally kicked purging. I stopped binging but was then diagnosed bipolar and got put on a **** ton of meds, all of which have weight gain as a side effect.

Plus, for some reason, (and oddly considering the decade of ED), I stopped freaking out about weight gain. And over the course of two years, I gained 150 lbs from my lowest weight. Then 2 months ago, was prodding my husband, trying to get to admit I was grossly obese (ladies, you know that game we play).

He actually commented on my weight for the first time ever in 17 years. He said he was worried about my health (I have high BP and cholesterol now) and that yes, he felt I met the medical definition of obese and he wished I cared enough to take care of myself and my health. I was knocked over. I mean, it was a very gentle delivery and well put, but I was horrified for some reason.

ED immediately started screaming in my ear...get this fat off FAST!!! So a couple months ago, I stopped eating solid food. I have 3 premade protein shakes a day and that is it.

My husband doesn't even mind my diet, which is highly unusual considering we had to file bankruptcy from the cost of my anorexia treatments/hospitalization.

I have been losing weight at a nice clip consistently, however considering how much weight I've lost so far, I can't tell any difference physically.

My biggest fear is this won't stick and I'll be stuck in obesity. I know it's a completely unhealthy way to lose weight, but I just can't stop myself.

Hugs to you all


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I went through a two year period where I stopped caring about my weight or calories, as well. Gained a ton of weight from that. I'm sorry you're struggling!

I'm upset because I carry all my extra weight in my tummy, so my arms and legs are still small. It's a genetic thing. So when I was at my high school 10 year reunion last weekend, everyone thought I was pregnant. Very humiliating! But I've been asked a few times before that, as well. I definitely need to lose weight...but not sure how to do that in a healthy way without going overboard. There is definitely a fine line.