[sinking]

Hello,

Its been 4 days in a row that i've been eating all day non stop until my stomach hurts and i feel nauseous. and i feel horribly about myself and this out of control behavior.

im not hungry, not feeling nervous, lonely, sad or whatever. i cant identify any emotion in particular that makes me overeat like this. a few things DID happen, but not something that could explain a reaction like this i'd say. it came totally unexpected. until 4 days ago i was eating normal or little even.

this is not the first time it happens but other times i could say why that was going on and try to stop it.

everything was under control since may. 6 months of total peace regarding food. i didnt even have the impulse anymore.

now its all back and i hate it. how do i stop myself?

PLEASE, HELP ME

ANY COMMENT WILL BE GREATLY APPRECIATED.

THANKS

[eskielover]

Something had to trigger it. Sometimes even for me, when the weather gets cold, it will trigger a higher hunger level & sometimes I end up feeling hungry continually through the day. Also an increased amount of activity can cause greater hunger also. Like this week I was out trail riding for 3 hours one day & 1+ hours the other & then I was ballroom dancing for 3 hours. I hadn't been eating much so when I have exercised that much it made my body want to compensate for not having enough food in it for the energy it needed to function.

....though I still to only eat at meal time.....& just let the body be hungry at the other times.

For me, stress makes me not hungry but sometimes when that does happen, it takes me a bit to realize what it is that really is causing the stress.

Sometimes initially I don't catch what is causing me to feel the way I do but with time the pieces come together.

[BlueGreenTabbyCat]

I don't know about you OP but I find I tend to binge on food when I am actively trying to not think about something or avoid doing something which feels too much or scares me or annoys me or leaves me feeling things I am not OK to feel or experience for whatever reason. It sounds a bit simplistic but that's what my bulimia boils down to (among other things).

Have you tried keeping a diary? Just a page of writing BEFORE you binge and another AFTER you have stopped or purged or whatever prevents you continuing, with the simple rule that you can write anything- no holes barred, but you cannot write anything about food in it's literal sense.

You might not notice patterns to begin with, but eventually you might and with the help of a therapist if you have one, you could at least start talking about what's going on even if you can't see any patterns.

[sinking]

Thank you both. i guess yes, there was something that triggered it but i started eating continuously AFTER those things happened and that went WELL.

i usually binges out of nervousness before a certain feared event comes or when im unsatisfied with things etc. now its all going well and as wished. so i dont see why this is happening. i have thought about it as an expression of "freedom" after these important event passed and went well, but i feel im leaving something out.

like. yesterday i had no reason to binge at all. and today i still find myself caught up in the loop of what im going eat next while im still chewing whatever i had chosen to eat (usually all junk food).

well... maybe its not everything as i wished. im tired, super tired and would like to be home, stay home, lie in bed all day and do NOTHING while im out about everyday from 8am to9pm. im SO tired. could this be it? just needing rest? but what can i do if i cant? im exhausted and feel like crying for how much i feel overwhelmed with everything, even if it all is going WELL. im just tired want to lie in bed all day and forget everything and everyone. maybe foo helps me with this? focusing on it rather than everything else?

thanks for listening i feel like crying right now and self harm and going crazy, im so sick of everything even if its all going "fine". im tired tired tired. sorry for the vent. thanks for being there.

[eskielover]

Maybe you can find something you really like to do or maybe put on a favorite movie & just distance your brain from the thoughts it's having right now. Distracting the thoughts can break the line of thought & many times the brain will come back with a different line of thinking.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Have you ever heard of vyvance for binge eating? It saved my freaking life and sanity and a whole lot of money. I'm bulimic so I would literally spend tons of money and time just binging and purging. My pdoc put me on vyvance a few months ago and my binging/purging has gone from 5 times a day to 3 times a month. Now a bit of a warning, it is a stimulant in the fetamine family so it can be addicting. I'm prescribed to take it everyday but I only take it when I'm having cravings. And since its a stimulant drug it can cause weight loss. It may or may not be for you but I'd figure I would just throw it out there. Good luck and I hope you feel better!

Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia
Seroquel 300mgs
Trileptal 300mgs
Buspar 45mgs
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvance 70mgs PRN

[sinking]

Thank you both.
i think i figured out what happened. sometimes i happen to binge a couple of days before my period. not always and not always that much, but it can happen.
this time it was really a LOT and out of control so i got scared, but now that my period has come im back to normal... kind of. under control anyway.
im pretty sure starting my apprenticeship these days has made it worse.
i just hope this is what happened and i'll stay back into normal-mode from now on.
i never talked about this with my T or any doc. should it get worse and happen more often i will and will keep in mind vyvance. thanks for the suggestion.
and thank you for being there, knowing someone knew about it and was supportive made me feel better. thanks again and best wishes to everyone!

[sinking]

That was NOT because of my period.

this thing is getting worse and worse.

Everybody noticed it, i am forced to hide when i want to eat more than "im supposed to" (probably to hide it both from others and myself) and I CANNOT STOP IT.

i KNOW i am hurting inside but i dont know what to do with it and about it.

any suggestion? idea? thought? comment? PLEASE?

im sick of being a food's slave. i hate it! it makes me sick! both physically and emotionally. i dont want this! i've always fought against this. why is this happening again? how do i stop it? PLEASE?

thanks

[BlueGreenTabbyCat]

First of all, stop and sit down with yourself and try to break it down into parts you can manage, yes it's scary when you realise things slipping but your one-up on yourself because 1. you can see what is happening and 2. your not trying to ignore it and 3. because you don't want to relapse.

Break it down into what happens and what leads up to things happening. Brainstorm, nothing is too small, everything has knock on effects, try to see what you are doing which could contribute to things going wrong. It could be your appetite changing, it could be your mood dropping, it could be extra pressures- it could even be the weather, only you will really know, go with your gut feelings on this, what you feel affects you not what other people tell you affect you at first. If you get to a point where you feel you can't think of anything that is affecting your eating, then turn to others for their opinions but always look at what your mind says first; you've lived with it for far longer than anyone else!

Also, try to break down the way you feel into two parts; the things that affect you and push you to do what you have done and the ways you feel afterwards (which will no doubt be just as chaotic but on a different level). It's very easy to stress yourself out by feeling overwhelmed with....everything! So trying to work on the things that triggered you initially first rather than everything at the same time or not knowing what to start with, it's going to hopefully make things feel less overwhelming. One thing at a time, there is time for everything but first things first are to start at the top of the cycle in some sort of order so you know where your at.

Write down how you feel. If you have not got the words to describe, try drawing it, if it makes you feel like doing this or that (eg curling into a ball, running for the sake of escape or whatever) write down this, write down why you feel this would help, if you can only think of binging and purging then write this but a word of personal advice here; try to avoid writing about that being a way out to make you feel better (even though it will feel like it is) because it can feel very triggering to think and write about binging on food when you are tying to not do that.

These are all ways to face the problem and look at it when you are by yourself and unable to reach anyone else (either practically or emotionally) but if you can find someone to speak with- a therapist or counsellor or someone else you don't feel judged by, then you can get a chance to not feel alone and even not be alone, then you can work with someone to find out what is going on and try to change things.

Other ways around this are to try to keep yourself busy when you feel like overeating. It sounds simplistic and like it doesn't reach the problem but it's a practical suggestion and not about trying to fix the problem so please don't know this. The deal is that when you do something repeatedly following a mood change or thought or feeling, you create a pathway in your brain. The more you follow the same pattern like that, the harder it can feel to change because that pattern will feel intrinsic. It's never impossible to change, it's just harder. If you can put things in place which will slow down or stop that same pathway from occurring it will help reduce it's impact and make it easier to step back from what is happening and take control.
Things to help yourself out need to be things which do not have additional pressure on them, no right/wrong answer (unless it's something fairly benign like the Sudoku or a wordsearch of crossword where it doesn't feel terrible if you don't manage it), colouring in books for adults are also really great and if you can spend time with people just out for a coffee (non judgemental people obviously!) this is a bonus- just make sure you have something else to fall in to when your chat with the person ends. Trying to work on breaking down this link to mood change = behaviour change is a big deal, so don't knock yourself everytime you do something that feels pointless to you rather than overeating. It is a slow burn but over time it can really make a difference if you keep at it. But it wont happen overnight so don't give up!

Small steps, one step at a time and don't berate yourself for trying. That is my best advice from a recovering anorexic and bulimic.

[sinking]

WOW, BlueGreenTabbyCat, THANK YOU SO MUCH for all this. i find it very interesting and possibly very helpful. i do keep a diary and im well aware of all that im going through: events, feelings, thoughts and all. i know i usually eat when im nervous or anxious or bored or to distract myself from a particular thought or feeling (or more than one). this time though i was not sure what it was exactly, i did feel overwhelmed but it seemed to come out of the blue.

is it ok if i write it all down here? so that you or anyone else who has something to say could help me please? even just two words sometimes is enough.... well, i'll try because i feel i need to talk with someone about this, but if its too long or theres nothing to say, i'll understand. i just have to try. forgive me PLEASE.

it all started because i had a good private T that i had to stop seeing 2 years ago because i couldnt afford it anymore (after 6 years of continuous therapy). at first (2 years of a few calls and seeing each other 3 times a year just to keep in touch) it was ok. this year in May i had a Major Breakthrough that pushed me to implement a project i had been having for years but that i never had the courage to start. i tried and miserably failed.

i wanted my good T to know but since i felt i couldnt tell him, i started "using" other people (other docs and Ts) as substitutes of him, with the result that i started talking way more than i was used to (and to only one i mentioned the project) and all this talking about me and different saubjects (still important but not about THAT) made me feel out of control. i did also contact my good T too but i didnt tell him about the project. after about a month i decided to contact again my good T and asked an emergency session with him and gave him tons of papers with it all written down. next session is in a month. he said he will read it all. and i keep wondering if i did well or wrong gibing him all that stuff and what he'll think of me.

i started the binges the day after i saw him and gave him the papers. which happened to coincide with the start of my stage as an educator. i blamed it all. the session, the others docs and Ts i've talked to, the project failed, the stage starting, the new friends i made at the course for educators (just ended the theory part), my period coming, the stress of being out 12+ hours a day everyday with not even the bare minimum or paycheck etc. i guess its all of this together that got me to this point. could this be it?

but even if i know its a sum of all of this. how can it help me stop it? my will is quite strong but not strong enough obviously if im still here bingeing 10 days after it started.

as for before and after, i guess its all typical: before eating, i feel like the food is going to solve everything and i'll have peace of mind. after i eat i see my mind isnt peaceful at all, and i think maybe something else will work better so even while im eating im already thinking about what im going to eat next, hoping it will work better. after, i feel nauseous and i've eaten everything i could think of and everything my stomach can contain, so i feel horribly sick and horribly disgusted about myself because i gave in again with no results whatsoever.

in all of this though i cant see a specific trigger. i feel constantly triggered in my mind by just..... living?

you asked what would make me feel better.... honestly? even if its just fantasy? sessions with good T everyday, cutting, self harm, drinking, staying home not having to work or doing nothing except sleeping, with nobody getting worried or pushing me to get up (parents), maybe ending up in hosp, inpatient, being sedated all my life.... ending my project (but now im deluded it is even realist and feasable)..... keeping busy helps but if i dont eat, i do some of the other things i mentioned, so i dont know what to do and where to turn to.... so thats why i ended up here. hoping someone who already went though this could give me a hand.... SORRY this was so long, but it helped a bit. thanks.

[eskielover]

You have programmed those pathways TabbyCat referred to in your mind to "eat when you are nervous, anxious , or boared". Breaking that cycle & doing something different ends up reprogramming those pathways to do something different.

Failing the project is definitely a huge trigger especially when that project was your huge life goal...major stress & probably having some failure feelings with that. You said now that you started a NEW career as an educator & anytime we start something NEW in our lives that is a huge stress. Put them all together in the pot & your life is one huge stress at the moment. Learning a new way to respond to stress is what your mind is in need of. Distracting rather than eating doesn't get rid of the stress it just teaches your mind to think of something different than food to comfort you & the more you do that the more your mind is reprogramming those pathways. It's like for stroke or traumatic brain injury people who have to learn to function all over again,,,,they are reprogramming those pathways that were lost by the damage....it is definitely possible...one of the key theories behind DBT therapy skills being taught.

One other thing I thought of...because I had a similar issue. I had gone to college got my degree & my whole focus of my life even in my marriage was my computer design engineering career. Aerospace crashed in Calif & I lost my career & no other commercial companies wanted to pick up aerospace computer engineers & problems in the area I was working caused me to have a breakdown right at Christmas & kept calling in sick...then the huge earthquake hit in Northridge Ca that January & collapsed the freeway I drove to get to work. When I tried to go back after that it was a 6 hour drive one way. My breakdown broke down even more....but what I didn't get & neither did therapists was just how bad my bad marriage was a huge part of the stress I was feeling. I knew my marriage was bad I just didn't realize how bad & how that was feeding into how I was feeling until 13 years later when I escaped it. It was only then when the picture became clear.

I had always quit eating & lost weight when stressed. That was how my brain pathways got programmed to handle stress because of the nausea that stress always caused me & hatred the feel that got worse if I ate. I couldn't stand to throw up because I would burst blood vessels in the whites of my eyes & in my face...so I avoided anything that makes me feel sick....so anorexia took over to the point I kept landing in the hospital. What I didn't realize then was that my career had been my escape from my bad marriage & when I no longer had that, the hospital became that escape....both the medical & psych hospitals.

The point I'm making is that sometimes there are real subtle underlying things going on in our lives that we are not even fully aware of until someone brings up the possibility & we stop to think about it. That saying "you can't see the forest for the trees" fits these situations well. I knew that I grew up in a stressful family but I was an only child & had no one to talk to about it. Come to find out, the same dysfunction I lived in my parents house with was the same dysfunction I dealt with my husband on. Had no idea the dysfunction until I left that environment became part of a normal environment. Lots of the crap cleared up with me including the anorexia though I will NEVER have good eating habits.

Maybe there is something going on in your personal life that is also feeding your anxiety which in turn is feeding your eating issues.....just a thought. It was a lot harder to define that problem for me than just focusing on the obvious because I had to be honest with myself & I had tried so hard to tolerate my husband even though I fought with him constantly. I ended up being married 33 years before I finally left. A lot of years not to realize a serious problem even though the whole time I knes there were problems most of the time I blamed myself because I fought with my parents constantly too...never thought it was a normal reaction to what I was dealing with. Easy for reality to get hidden

[sinking]

Thank you Eskielover,

i feel stronger now and more motivated to get back on track and not believe those stupid thoughts saying "food will make it alright". reprogramming seems a bit harder, but i'll try. maybe coming here on the forum and talking when im in that mood could help. what do you think?

the project is back on track. a little modified, stilll not ready, fixed and finalized but having it back makes me feel much more hopeful and positive. i hope i wont get disappointed again.

yes, the stage is a huge stressor, but its only for 3 more months so, i hope i'll be able to hold on, rest more when needed and finish it. independently from the outcome.

Im not sure there is more going on that i dont realize, but it could be possible. i'll try to pay more attention to other stressors that may affect my mood and reactions. thank you!

im sorry you had to go through so much to see what was happening in your life and making you so miserable. i hope you're out of it now and feeling better now. thanks for your support and sharing your experience. was very helpful. thank you!
Love

[eskielover]

Definitely come back when you feel the need for support. That is the best way to get other thoughts especially when our thoughts seem stuck.

You are also right...reprogramming the neuropathways in the brain takes time. I went to DBT for 2years & still go to the next step group from time to time. Working on those skills constantly for that time & having the ability to talk through in private therapy when issues come up....it takes hundreds of times of doing something different to reprogram those pathways but soooo worth it in the end.

Yes things are really good now. I left my husband 8 years ago & moved 2100 miles away to a place where I didn't know anyone & have started my life over alone on a 10 acre farm....just me & my doggies. It's work & there are difficulties but I have wonderful friends in my life now that are better than anything I ever experienced before in my life. Being alone & responsible for everything in my life has also made me more responsible with my eating & health & having friends around that really care really helps also.

There are times when I think it would be good to communicate with some of those past pdocs to let them know the reality if what they didn't see & what I was really dealing with all my life. I got in with the most wonderful psychologists when I moved here. Who would ever think in backwards ky that I would find better help than in huge Los Angeles ca. I do fit into small town environment much better & am involved in so many community activities....life can become good even at my age of 62

[sinking]

Thanks!

I listened to you litteraly and created new thread (yes, another one) in another subforum (coping with emotions) to help me just doing that.

I know i have posted a lot these days but i really was confused, scared, torn and disperate and lonely. I hope its not too much... Im not looking for attention, just to feel i exist, my pain exists and trying to survive without going crazy...

Thanks a lot.
Love

[eskielover]

You are totally fine with what you are doing.....that's what PC is here for, to help us sort through our issues & to get some validation & understanding & ideas for getting past the issues we are struggling with. Glad you are using PC to it's fullest & posting to get information. The more we write & put down our thoughts & feelings here the more it helps us understand ourselves also......best wishes with this