[RoseTiger]

Well, I didn't want to, but almost a month ago (I think) I starting eating more. It was awkward the first few days. I wanted to purge so bad for having eaten that much, but then after that, for a couple of days, I started binging like nobody's business cause I felt like I was dying. Now I'm eating normal (I think).

Problem is, I stepped on the scale... Like, WHAT THE ACTUAL HECK!? I started to panic and wanted to purge, exercise, curl into a little ball, and never eat again. The numbers went up way too high. My clothes still fit, but I think my stomach is sticking out a LOT more and my arms are... just, no.

Every time I look at myself I feel even fatter and more uncomfortable. I once read that your weight will go up once you start eating more, but for some reason I was under the impression that only really skinny anorexics or bulimics had to worry about this. I figured, "I'm still fat. My body clearly wasn't starved too much, so I won't go through that." I guess I was wrong, and now I just want to go back to starving myself really bad.

What do I do?! I'm sick of losing all my hair, and heart palpitations, and counting calories, and purging if I eat a bite or two too many, and working out till I feel like I'm about to faint. I'm tired of my mom acting like I'm just superficial, my dad and his threats, my sister and her ideas that skinny shaming doesn't exist, and my Grandmother and her insensitive, ignorant comments! And I'm done hearing about how I'll never be allowed to move out because I can't even take care of myself and being treated like a child! I just want to be normal, but I don't know how much longer I can hold out if I'm gaining weight like this. What's worse is my parents keep pushing me to eat more and more and won't let me take it slow. My stomach always feels like it's about to burst and it makes me hate myself for even trying.

When does it stop, when I'm too big to fit through the door? And will it go back down, or will I have to look into some new exercise pants and live at the gym to get down to a normal size? What can I do to stop myself from going back to my ED? This is the 5th time I've tried, but I get scared once the numbers start going up.

I just really want it to work out this time.

The first thing to do is take charge and get your family OUT of your recovery process!

Especially if they're going to sabotage it!

Let your treatment team know what you are doing and what they are doing too!

My therapist had me throw the scales away.

God that was hard ... It was liberating at first tossing them over into the dumpster, but for several weeks after I did go through withdrawals of a sort.

If you can't throw yours out, do your best to just not go there!

I also quit doing exercise regimens that weren't my idea of enjoyment or fun.

I enjoy a walk in the woods or a stroll through the gardens ... Find an activity you enjoy - it doesn't have to be intense, just move around a bit two or three times a week - but make sure it's something you do because you enjoy it NOT because you have to.

ED May never go away, but we can take the wind out of its sails a little bit by not indulging most of the behaviors that go along with it!

I agree, your family is not the one's that should be doing your recovery process for you. People mean well but don't quite understand. Do what was working for you and hang in there (((HUGS)))