[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I'm swirling between wanting to be healthy and wanting to restrict. I need to lose the weight I've gained from the bingeing/purging, can't stand it.

I struggle too. I want to gain and stop at X number where I am still thin but not so bony. I want to be able to contain the weight gain to the last ounce, or I fear I will immediately become morbidly obese, despite never being obese in my life. I maybe needed to lose 5 lb. in high school and was uncomfortable with my looks, but I wasn’t even considered chubby, much less fat or obese. Though serious obesity runs on my mom’s side of the family. One of my two sisters is obese too, and I don’t want to end up like that.

But now there are clothes I don’t wear any more just to not freak people out. Bones, you know.

Did I do good today? No. I ran and ran and ran, maybe the farther pest I have ever run (though I have run/walked that distance before). Seeing a T tomorrow. Hope maybe she can help.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I'm swirling between wanting to be healthy and wanting to restrict. I need to lose the weight I've gained from the bingeing/purging, can't stand it.

I struggle too. I want to gain and stop at X number where I am still thin but not so bony. I want to be able to contain the weight gain to the last ounce, or I fear I will immediately become morbidly obese, despite never being obese in my life. I maybe needed to lose 5 lb. in high school and was uncomfortable with my looks, but I wasn’t even considered chubby, much less fat or obese. Though serious obesity runs on my mom’s side of the family. One of my two sisters is obese too, and I don’t want to end up like that.

But now there are clothes I don’t wear any more just to not freak people out. Bones, you know.

Did I do good today? No. I ran and ran and ran, maybe the farther pest I have ever run (though I have run/walked that distance before). Seeing a T tomorrow. Hope maybe she can help.

Had to pick up my daughter from school. She threw up 3 times. She cannot go to school tomorrow because they have a policy if the nurse sends your child home for vomiting, diarrhea, fever, they have to be well for 24 hr. before they can go back to school. The nurse said a bug is going around, but I think my daughter may be gearing up to start her cycle, and that will be fun as she hates blood. I was 12 when I started; she is only 10.5 but all the puberty developments are there. I especially started to wonder when she said her back hurt too. But my youngest sister threw up every time with her period until my mom took her to the gynecologist and she got on the pill. So we’ll see. I really hope if it is her period, she won’t throw up every cycle. She said she felt fine when I picked her up from school and hasn’t thrown up all day.

[mwaxy]

Ate with coworkers at lunch, even if it was just a small salad and tin of salmon. Luckily no one judges in that space That's really cool.

[Blue_Bird]

Trying to get back on track... realized I need to eat and that the restricting just perpetuates the eventual bingeing and purging. I see my nutritionist next week

[Blueberrybook]

Seeing a new T in around a half hour. Not going to mention ED if I can help it. That’s seems to put therapists off taking me on if they are not ED specialists. Right now damn bipolar racing thoughts & anxiety are #1 issues. I changed my top though. The tank top I put on today showed too many bones. Put on jeans and a short-sleeved shirt. ED hopefully looks much less obvious.

[Blueberrybook]

H told me today he believes I have bipolar and I have PTSD and panic disorder by not an ED. WTF? Of course, I have the type of anorexia that's easiest to hide, the type where people think you just exercise too much, that's all. You can stop any time you want. ED thoughts shouldn't guilt a person with purging type anorexia, especially if the purging is done in the form of overexercise?! I am skin & bones. He'd flip if he knew the number on the scale. Still I continue the charade.

Have been this weight several months but had a little scale drop today. I think I dehydrated myself yesterday running too much...(and in the background, the ED cheers, even if it's just water weight).

[LucyD]

This eating is a struggle for all of us here I see. I go from not wanting to eat at all to binging on a box of crackers. Why so extreme I wonder. I guess I need to find the happy middle of eating. I really have little appetite today. Didn't eat as many crackers as yesterday and they aren't high in calories. I hate the scale but am obsessed with using it much of the time. I need to try and just weigh myself once a week or month even. I watch every pound go up and down. I used to be bulimic years ago but it won't work anymore and now I won't even try because blood could come up my esophagus from the cirrhosis. Oh, what a life this is. I was so very depressed today I just kept going back to sleep. Everything shuts off when sleeping.

[Blueberrybook]

Got attacked by someone on the bipolar board for telling someone who kept repeating ED stuff to take it to the ED board...it doesn't really belong on BP and it is triggering for people who are BP with EDs.

Saw a new T today. I haven't actually been in therapy awhile, not for ED's or anything else like bipolar racing thoughts or needing better coping mechanisms outside of exercise. She seems nice and said she'd take me on. Granted, I did tell her I was only going to therapy at this moment in time because of my CPS case, but I would have tried again eventually. I always do. It's a pattern. I guess it's been around a year, year & a half since I tried therapy. The best news is the new T practices basically a 5 minute drive from my house, which is so much easier than having to drive 30-45 minutes every week to see a T, especially if driving makes you anxious & causes you to have panic attacks. I never knew there was a T so close, but she borrows space at a storefront in a nearby shopping center, which explains how I never knew there was a practicing T nearby.

We did touch some on the ED stuff. I was holding my breath there because once some T's hear ED, they are done with you and don't want to take you on, but she said she's fine working with me and uses CBT mostly. I have a lot of issues to work on; needing better coping mechanisms for stress instead of just exercise, bipolar racing thoughts, self-esteem that's in the ditch, having no friends, the ED (which I think goes back to child molestation as well as being raised by an angry, overbearing father). Made an appointment for next week, and I hope she'll work out.

[LucyD]

Glad you got a new t who accepts you as you are! That's always promising.

[-Astral-]

gained weight too fat need to loses it want to stop eating but my husband will make me eat

[Blueberrybook]

I ran this morning, but not as far as I have been running lately. I feel like I should have run more. I'm mad at myself about it.

Low numbers on the scale made the ED happy. I need to just throw out the damn scale...It is so stupid to tie your self-worth some random number that pops up in the morning. If it's lower or the same as yesterday, I feel good. If it's higher, I hate myself. I tend to force myself to run longer distances.

[Blue_Bird]

I am so disgusted with myself

Possible trigger:

I've gained weight. I don't even want to know how much!! I hate it, I want to rip off all the fat

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

I ran this morning, but not as far as I have been running lately. I feel like I should have run more. I'm mad at myself about it.

Low numbers on the scale made the ED happy. I need to just throw out the damn scale...It is so stupid to tie your self-worth some random number that pops up in the morning. If it's lower or the same as yesterday, I feel good. If it's higher, I hate myself. I tend to force myself to run longer distances.

I feel like throwing out the scale too. You are right, I, too, tie my self worth to the numbers and my diabetic numbers too! Yeesh. I have to change that...somehow...some way.

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I am so disgusted with myself

Possible trigger:

I've gained weight. I don't even want to know how much!! I hate it, I want to rip off all the fat

You are not alone in this. We all get disgusted. We are so much more than a body though.

short of it is...

ate all night (litirally), and just continuing today

yesterday I even had a KFC, I didn't even cook

[Stellata]

I'm trying to rebalance as my period has made me gain. Still very underweight, but you know how it is.

[Gr3tta_0]

Horrible. I need salt for my medical conditions, but ed tx has always tried to tell me this is a product of mi.
...bht its not. Didn't have enough sodium yesterday, and bp is 78/55. I just need a salty meal.
I'm eating it.
To heck with you guys.

[Gr3tta_0]

.
Oh dear, that is not intended negative at anyone here. Sorry.

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by raging vortex

short of it is...

ate all night (litirally), and just continuing today

yesterday I even had a KFC, I didn't even cook

I love KFC but I'm not supposed to have it..ugh!

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by Gr3tta_0

Horrible. I need salt for my medical conditions, but ed tx has always tried to tell me this is a product of mi.
...bht its not. Didn't have enough sodium yesterday, and bp is 78/55. I just need a salty meal.
I'm eating it.
To heck with you guys.

Wish I could eat salty food. It tastes so good to me.