a chance to be honest and open

I've just recently admitted to myself that I might have an ED, and this seems like a chance for me to honest and open, so I hope you don't mind. I'm not sure exactly where to start, so please bear with me.

as a child, I was always bigger than other kids, chubbier and such. I always felt really bad because of it. at about 12, it became more of a focus, but I never really acted out with any ED behaviour.

a couple years ago, I started watching what I ate, counting calories, obsessing over what I consumed. eventually I stopped paying attention, due to off-and-on depression that lasted until this March, give or take. during my depression, I actually started binge eating and sometimes a bit of restricting. I ate even when I wasn't actually hungry, I'd consume a lot of food per day, and it started to show on my body. othertimes, my anxiety would be so horrible, that I didn't eat all day, because I didn't feel hunger, only that pain.

in March, I began a wonderful relationship with a man that I am still dating to this day. it lifted my depression in a lot of aspects, and it gave me a reason to grow healthier. I started watching what I ate a little bit more, and avoided bingeing and such. my boyfriend loves my body, right now. he thinks it's, quote, the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. trust me, it's not that great. I'm overweight, I have fat thighs and hips, etc. while I don't look like a whale, I'm not average sized, either.

recently, I've fallen into a slight depressed phase again. life stress with family, friends, and school approaching is just so much to handle. at the same time, I am more aware of my body, since I'm now in a sexual relationship. I am disgusted. I hate so much of my body, and I've picked up borderline anorexic habits again.

my boyfriend was the one who noticed that I would only eat about one meal a day, and that it wouldn't even be a whole meal, etc. my boyfriend has straight-out told me, if I lose weight, he probably wouldn't be as attracted to me. I know that he's partly saying this as an incentive for me to be healthier with how I eat, but it makes it worse, since *I* want to lose weight and look better, but I feel like I have to stay this size to make him happy.

last week, when he and I discussed this and I was honest in saying that I think I might be slightly anorexic, he had me promise to try to eat better. so I had been eating three meals a day, and trying SO hard not to look at calories and obsess. but he went on vacation Sunday, and I've noticed that since he's not asking me daily if I ate, I'm neglecting it again. today, I'm even counting calories again. which makes me feel disappointed in myself.

I don't know what I'm looking for in saying all of this. I guess part of me just wanted to vent. I'm scared... of myself. but it doesn't really feel like it's me that's coming up with these ideas. and the feminist in me is yelling that I shouldn't try to stifle my restricting just because a man wants me to. ><

I guess... I just need some kind words, please?

It is really confusing, isn't it? That "fine line".. and being on it all the time. Don't ya just wish that "food" was just simply that "food" and nothing else? That it is a source of nutrition - not something to be thought about and counted and debated..

And really, your boyfriend is telling the truth - cause he is attracted to you.. not your weight... please don't discount what he is telling you..

I don't have an wise answers for resolving the problem with eating that you probably haven't already heard.. except possibly a good support group or therapy.

My own battle with an ED continues.. I "win", I "lose" a battle but ultimately want to "win" the war.
So, I too continue on..

Welcome to PC... it is a wonderful place.

When you say you are calorie counting, how many calories do you allow yourself to eat in a day?

thank you, freewill. just for responding, thanks so much. that bit about my boyfriend- yeah, you're right. I should believe in his words more. but that's another issue I have all together, heh. I do wish food was just food. I wish I didn't analyse things to death before eating anything. ><

ickydog, I've been trying to restrict myself to 1,000. kind of taking it slow.

I just had a "discussion" with my T today...ahhhhh battle time for me... I too have been restricting... ahhh 300-500 calories..

He wouldn't let me off the hook with the "discussion".. boy did I try... but he's good..

I shall share with you.. so you can feel that you are in therapy with me.. LOL... maybe we could get a "group discount".

Therapist:
Soooooooooooo you are restricting?????

Me:
welllllllllll a little........ not much.. would like to talk about my
son now..

Therpapist:
ahhhhhhhh.... let's back up a bit.. I really think that we need to talk about the restriction.. how many calories are you eating - and I'm sure you know what is healthy and about nutrition.. Don't you?

Me: Ya,, I know about nutrition....some...

Therapist:
How many calories????

Me:
welllll maybe 300... no no sure it's 500.. it's not like I'm hungry or anything..

Therapist:
And you think that is healthy huh????? Does hunger really have anything to do with this??? Tell me what would be a Healthy number of calories for someone your size.

Me:
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..... 1800 maybe I suppose..

Therapist:
sooooooooooooo??????? what are ya going to do???

Me:
be healthy... grrrrrrrrrrrr... 1800 calories.. but I don't want to..

Therapist: Promise????

Me:
ok.... ok.. ok.. well OK..... alright... I will...

As I'm leaving... therapist said... 1800 calories Right..

Me:
yes yes yes yes yes yes yes healthy.. want to be healthy..

So,,, we've just now been thru therapy together.. lol.. sharing experience...

How about you bump up your calories.. and I will too.. 1800 calories for me... I promised................... can't break a promise.

Seriously, I always have a listening ear.. pm me if you want..
join me for more therapy if you would like..
In the meantime.. 1800 calories goes in my body.. and I am hoping more calories will go in yours too...

sincerely, freewill

Freewill...enjoyed your "conversation with T"

Aren't we all so evasive

Welcome...Grateful!

Not sure I have anything to add...not a sufferer...someone in my life suffering greatly impacted me...so I tend to hang out in this forum...

I couldn't tell are you seeing anyone professionally? You know so you can have vague conversations like "Freewill"...Just kidding...seriously if you haven't talked to a professional...probably a good time to find someone...

For me I can eat 1000 to 1200 calories and lose weight. And depending on exercize I can eat around 1400-1700 and stay stable. My doctor was okay with me eating as low as 1000 calories as long as I didn't go below and didn't get lower than 112 lbs. Now I've become good at just keeping an eye on my weight and what I eat to try to be healthy. I hope you don't mind me asking, but how much do you weigh? Many people think they are fat but arn't really and I was just trying to get an idea of what your calorie consumption should be.