[mrsdomitin]

Hello,

I have created an account here in hopes of talking to others that are like myself. I am kind of a loner in real life, and I need to vent. My family just didn't understand when I tried to vent to them, although they tried to, they do not suffer in the same way I do (thank goodness) so I can understand why they didn't.

Just to tell a little about myself: My name is Carrie, I am 28 years old, and I am a Vegan. I believe that I am suffering from Orthorexia as I have become super obsessed with eating clean, whole plant foods that are minimally or unprocessed.

I went Vegan in June of this year (2016), and up until yesterday (Christmas), I was happy and I felt great about myself both mentally and physically. Unfortunately after 6 months of eating clean and healthy and after dropping some weight, I binged for the first time yesterday. I ate normally all day and I even took a decent plate of food at Christmas dinner, not too little, not too much. After eating my dinner is when it started. I ate four Larabar bites for dessert as the desserts that were offered were not Vegan or "clean". Apparently this did not satisfy me, because I proceeded to eat nine large medjool dates, 3 chocolates, Ruffles plain chips, 3 large handfuls, 5 cups of popcorn, and a half a bag of CheeCha Puffs. As if that was not enough, I ate a whole bag of dark chocolate covered coconuts and a whole bunch of pistachios. I am pretty sure that is where it ended, but I think I ate more calories than my body burnt and some of them were not 'clean". I may have even eaten enough to gain body fat.

I can't understand why I did that! I never binge, I allow myself treats throughout the week, I love eating clean and healthy, and I love doing my HIIT and strength training routines to stay fit (not to mention I love that fitness makes me feel good mentally too). I have no idea why I would just suddenly do that, and now I obviously regret it and feel like crap. I feel super bloated and worried about the body fat that I am now going to gain. I feel super sluggish, even though I feel a little better after doing a HIIT routine and burning off a bunch of those calories.

Has anyone here ever been in my situation? Can anyone else relate? I feel like such a failure! Everyone is so proud of my accomplishments (myself included), and as I previously said, I have no idea what possessed me to do that! I don't feel like doing it any more any time soon, believe me, as I never want to be this bloated ever again, but now I am afraid that I am going to do it again. I feel so gross and bad for treating my body like that. I understand that what is done is done and that I need to let go and move on and that we all have slipups and make mistakes, but I can't figure out why I would do that so that I don't do it again. I believe to be eating enough now, I have bumped my daily caloric intake and I planned on continuing to up my caloric amount until I could figure out how much I could eat in a day with my fitness level and all that. Am I still not eating enough, is that why that happened?

Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks so much!

[Skeezyks]

Hello mrsdomitin: I cannot comment with regard to your recent experience. However, I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Hi and welcome!

I am neither vegan nor do I really know much about orthorexia (though I am extremely empathetic), but I'll offer what I know based on my l.o.n.g history of bingeing, written from my perspective because I cannot presume to know yours.

I can 'be good' for a long period of time... eat healthful foods in quantities that maintain a low normal body weight and exercise within normal limits. As you described, I enjoy the feeling of being healthy and the exercise helps me mentally. But it's a white knuckle way of life to keep my weight in check and avoid feeling other things. To keep myself in the low normal range, I undereat by just a smidge each day. After a few weeks, they add up and "all of a sudden" I'm shoveling absurd quantities of food in my mouth. Foods I wouldn't dream of eating.

What works best for me is to track my food using a phone app. Though it offers me suggestions on how I could lose weight (not my intention), I use it to ensure I've eaten enough protein, fat and nutrients. I've developed health problems recently due to malnutrition. Can you imagine? That never crossed my mind since I eat "healthy," but I was severely anemic and developed nerve damage due to poor food choices.

I guess my takeaway message is eating clean is good, but it's important to eat for nutrition, in the proper amounts for your body.

I wish you health and peace of mind.