[AllTheThingsIHide]

So this is one thing out of everything I've been through, that I really really struggle talking about. I've had severe problems with food since I was about 8, I've always been really underweight partially from extreme neglect but also because I feel that I gain control of my life by controlling food and feeling that I if I lost that "non existent" (boyfriends words) couple of pounds it would magically change my life, which never works. My parents used to constantly call me "fat" and "pig" even though they never fed me properly (would feed me mouldy food or just not feed me at all), I was then really badly attacked when I was 11, among other things I remember them cutting into my torso and saying that if I wasn't fat they wouldn't of been able to do it. I know it sounds stupid because I'm old enough now to know that it's not true, but really deep inside of me I somehow believe I am disgustly fat, I believe that if I wasn't fat they wouldn't be able to of cut me up (I know how crazy that sounds).

When I met my boyfriend 5 years ago I could eat about 5 foods all, I had to eat things completely burnt or raw I couldn't cope with anything in between and I couldn't eat in public at all. I still have "rituals" for the order I eat, food placement,etc. I have made probably my biggest progress ever in these last few months, I ate rice, fried egg, pork fillet, onion, ham and some sauces for the first time in my life, it was so strange. My boyfriend was so proud. When I first eat things my immediate thing is I want to spit it out because it tastes and feels inedible, it actually feel like it's going to harm me, I sometimes lose the ability to swallow I will panic that much, but with all the things I listed I ate full meals with those things. I'm a bit scared to try some of those things again, but I'm proud of myself for doing it in the first place.

It just feels like since I've made this massive step forward in trust of people and eating food like a normal person, I've taken a bigger step back in my self image, now I am am absolutely terrified of the new nice food I've tried, because deep down I've convinced myself that I didn't need to eat new food and it's instilled this thing in my head now I am fat/will get fatter because of this food. It's literally making me want to cry, if I knew trying to help myself eat was going to make this horrible thought raise it's ugly head, I would of never eaten the stuff I have. I am really fighting it but I am losing miserably. I desperately want to weigh myself to prove to myself that I'm okay but i am terrified I've put on weight. It's completely ruined a situation I could never imagine myself doing, it's took away my accomplishment, because it's messed with my head.

Has anyone been through anything similar with their eating? Is the a way to cope with it? Will it get easier when I start eating more foods I've never eaten?, because I don't know whether it's just nerves from doing something so alien to me.

[Gr3tta_0]

Im sorry you are feeling so bad. In my experience i too have felt very bad after increasing or changing the amounts or types of food i eat after limiting it for a long time. I do think this will get better with time as you become more accustomed to new foods.

[possum220]

Having seen a leading eating orders specialist for many years the truth is "It's never about the food".

The underscoring issue was and still is your self esteem and how you deal or don't deal with life/emotions. Eating differently is only highlighting a small part of your issues.

[QueenOfStars]

In my opinion, you are getting better physically, now you just have to get better mentally by shacking the guilt you are having. You just have to know that your body requires the right amount of calories to work properly and by eating the right food you are taking care of your health. There is nothing wrong with is. But if you still feel the same way then read these tips to recover. Hope my post can help you.

[Sunflower123]

(((((Hugs)))))