[Blueberrybook]

Tired today. Issues with refrigerator. If it stops running one more time, I think I will lose it. I vacuumed off the coils the best I could lying on my stomach (coils in the very back of course). At one point, I got my forearm stuck, panicked because it took awhile to get it out. If my arms were skinnier, but if they were skinnier, I'd start looking grotesque, and I do not want that look.

Ran a ton this morning, why I keep doing this, I don't know. Weighed the same as yesterday. Period is expected tomorrow. Probably going to get it soon as I woke up super nauseous this morning. That and back pain are usually the signs. Was tired running too but had tons of energy yesterday, and that tends to be the way my cycle works, lots of energy the day before AF and then no energy the day of.

Had lunch late in light of refrigerator problems. Going to have to tell H this refrigerator problem seems like it might not wait until Christmas vacation for him to fix. H is a teacher, so he gets off 2 weeks for Christmas.

Daughter has a birthday party Saturday, the house is a mess, I cut my thumb (minor but it's annoying under the refrigerator). I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep.

[LucyD]

Been examining my thoughts related to food today. I realize that I think I shouldn't eat or eat very little or if do I feel doubtful about myself. Why don't I have the right to eat? I have been called names for being overweight. Those thoughts haunt me. Why should I care what mean people say anyways?! I have been called "pig", "cow", "fat *****", and then there were the names my siblings called me when I was just a bit chubby as a near teenager. I don't think anyone should be made fun of for how they look. There was a time when women were rubenesque and it was thought to be a good thing. They were called voluptuous. There were great paintings done of them that were famous. Well, those are my thoughts today.

[Blue_Bird]

Had kind of a weird day. I slept in really late. Then my water pressure was messed up, I guess they worked on it though because it started working again in the afternoon. Then my laptop I just bought a month ago for $600 decided it's keyboard would suddenly not respond to anything. So I was very aggravated and messing with that took up a lot of my day. It's currently in the process of a factory reset, maybe that will help. I had to step away from it for awhile because I was getting really upset. It's not even so much about the computer as it is that I hardly ever have money to spend on nice things for myself and I invested quite a bit on it. Plus I needed needed a better quality laptop for some of my college classes. I know it's not the highest end but I like it.

Anyway, I somewhat overate earlier due to stress then got the urge to go back to restricting. But I was reading that book I bought recently and the chapter I was on was all in detail about medical complications associated with EDs and I already have messed up teeth and have sIlent GERD from purging, as frustrating as that is, I feel lucky for escaping the more serious and life threatening issues. I don't want to mess with my body anymore. I just want to be a healthy person and enjoy life.

I'm trying to find meaning beyond weight numbers and how I look. Being involved in my faith more , etc.

I wanted to purge so badly, but I couldn't do it. I can't risk it, it's too much of a gamble. the horrible medical emergencies that can result from it aren't worth it. So instead, I read for awhile. Then I watched Frosty the Snowman and Frosty Returns

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Had kind of a weird day. I slept in really late. Then my water pressure was messed up, I guess they worked on it though because it started working again in the afternoon. Then my laptop I just bought a month ago for $600 decided it's keyboard would suddenly not respond to anything. So I was very aggravated and messing with that took up a lot of my day. It's currently in the process of a factory reset, maybe that will help. I had to step away from it for awhile because I was getting really upset. It's not even so much about the computer as it is that I hardly ever have money to spend on nice things for myself and I invested quite a bit on it. Plus I needed needed a better quality laptop for some of my college classes. I know it's not the highest end but I like it.

Anyway, I somewhat overate earlier due to stress then got the urge to go back to restricting. But I was reading that book I bought recently and the chapter I was on was all in detail about medical complications associated with EDs and I already have messed up teeth and have sIlent GERD from purging, as frustrating as that is, I feel lucky for escaping the more serious and life threatening issues. I don't want to mess with my body anymore. I just want to be a healthy person and enjoy life.

I'm trying to find meaning beyond weight numbers and how I look. Being involved in my faith more , etc.

I wanted to purge so badly, but I couldn't do it. I can't risk it, it's too much of a gamble. the horrible medical emergencies that can result from it aren't worth it. So instead, I read for awhile. Then I watched Frosty the Snowman and Frosty Returns

So sorry about your computer. That can be so frustrating. That's great you resisted the urge to purge. I used to do it, too. Finding meaning beyond weight numbers is a great thing to get into.

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Tired today. Issues with refrigerator. If it stops running one more time, I think I will lose it. I vacuumed off the coils the best I could lying on my stomach (coils in the very back of course). At one point, I got my forearm stuck, panicked because it took awhile to get it out. If my arms were skinnier, but if they were skinnier, I'd start looking grotesque, and I do not want that look.

Ran a ton this morning, why I keep doing this, I don't know. Weighed the same as yesterday. Period is expected tomorrow. Probably going to get it soon as I woke up super nauseous this morning. That and back pain are usually the signs. Was tired running too but had tons of energy yesterday, and that tends to be the way my cycle works, lots of energy the day before AF and then no energy the day of.

Had lunch late in light of refrigerator problems. Going to have to tell H this refrigerator problem seems like it might not wait until Christmas vacation for him to fix. H is a teacher, so he gets off 2 weeks for Christmas.

Daughter has a birthday party Saturday, the house is a mess, I cut my thumb (minor but it's annoying under the refrigerator). I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep.

Some days sleeping is the best thing to do IMO. Hope you get your frig fixed.

[Blueberrybook]

Woke up very queasy this morning, nearly threw up. Not sure if it is the 100 mg increase in Seroquel or hormones (due to start my period today or tomorrow). Did manage some exercise today, less than yesterday, but better I stopped, it was still too much. I think not only do I run for ED reasons, it's compulsive now, I'm anxious if I can't run.

Frig. is off & on. Hope it makes it through the weekend. We really don't need this emergency, especially now. My daughter is having a birthday party here tomorrow. 7 pre-teen girls, fun Well, they are nice and good friends of hers, which is great because she would not play with other kids until the end of kindergarten. I worried she might have Aspergers (pretty sure my father does). The pediatrician does think she has sensory processing disorder, but we don't have money for a diagnosis or occupational therapy. She's super smart in all her subjects, especially math, but nearly all her senses are affected. Food has to be separated. She won't wear pants or shorts, saying they are too tight around the waist; if they are comfortable around the waist, they fall off her hips. Luckily, we live in an area where winter is mild; sometimes we have no freezes, usually 1 or 2 that are gone the next day, snow flurries, every 10 years or so. She hates loud noises (bathroom hand blow dryers, vacuum cleaner, blender, etc.). There are lots of other issues too, but that's just a general idea.

Anyone here a parent and worried about passing on ED habits to your child? I am, at least as far as looks; my daughter has already asked why I am so skinny; I've just told her I run a lot. Hopefully, it will not affect her body image, but then again, her personality is eccentric and eclectic, not always easy to parent but very strong in all her beliefs & feelings and not influenced by popular opinions. She has 5 cousins who pretty much were/are the same at development in every stage, but my daughter is completely different from her cousins (2 sets - 2 boys, 3 girls). I'd never wish an ED on anyone, and especially not my child.

[shovelhead]

Sliced pickles for breakfast/lunch. What a joke. I shouldn't have fed the dog my leftovers! LOL! Cuz now I'm hungry. And I sure know I will not cook for myself. No way.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by shovelhead

Sliced pickles for breakfast/lunch. What a joke. I shouldn't have fed the dog my leftovers! LOL! Cuz now I'm hungry. And I sure know I will not cook for myself. No way.

You need to eat more. Not eating enough slows your metabolism even if you exercise, not that you need to lose weight. Pickles do not make a meal. Unless you are at a high school football game in Texas 😂

[Blueberrybook]

Managed most of a bowl of minestrone with crackers for lunch with Greek yogurt. Took a nap. Woke up still feeling yuck.

[shovelhead]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Managed most of a bowl of minestrone with crackers for lunch with Greek yogurt. Took a nap. Woke up still feeling yuck.

Soup is SO great for nutrients. And very delicious & filling. But I sure don't want to cook a batch of any I hope u feel better

[shovelhead]

I deep cleaned our house more, today. Cleaning up dust & dog hair. I am constantly distracted. It helps me relax, too. It helps my head. Gotta cook dinner now! Yahoo! I put off going into the kitchen, until the very last minute. Every single day. It's hilarious, actually. Nope, I don't care about kitchens

[LucyD]

I've decided I won't be posting here much. I hope you all will be okay. I need to get myself together on my own. This place doesn't help me but I hope it helps you. Much love, respect and peace to all of you in going forward with your lives.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by LucyD

I've decided I won't be posting here much. I hope you all will be okay. I need to get myself together on my own. This place doesn't help me but I hope it helps you. Much love, respect and peace to all of you in going forward with your lives.

Do what you need to do to help yourself. Once I tried an ED support group, and I completely became so competitive, I set myself by a ton. Hope you drop by with an update now and again.

[Blueberrybook]

Birthday party today for my daughter with some of her friends from school. Every single one invited could make it, go figure. Cake and such...blah. I overslept. Need to shower, get balloons, cake and ice. Can’t wait for today to be over. I hate birthday parties, even for my own daughter. Though by next year, it will probably be a slumber party, so I should be grateful.

[shovelhead]

Originally Posted by LucyD

I've decided I won't be posting here much. I hope you all will be okay. I need to get myself together on my own. This place doesn't help me but I hope it helps you. Much love, respect and peace to all of you in going forward with your lives.

LucyD, please don't leave this great thread you started. I hope one of my dumb posts complaining about food didn't upset you or anyone else. How are you doing otherwise? I always enjoyed chatting with u here.

[Blueberrybook]

Kid birthday party over, and I am still in one piece. Did OK talking to the 2 moms who stayed and didn’t just drop their kids off. Had a piece of cake, but I do regret I didn’t realize how much of this cake would have black icing (a road in the design), resulting in wonderful blue/black teeth. Surprised to have little guilt after eating the cake, but that’s a nice change. Pdoc did think I was getting manicky and upped the antipsychotic (Seroquel). I think manicky symptoms tend to feed the ED.

[Blueberrybook]

Just a few thoughts...I think lately we have been posting a lot in this thread about not eating, not exercising & feeling guilt about eating or not working out, having zero appetite. Those things can be posted as it's a recovery thread, but we want to include people with all types of EDs, binge eaters, people not being told what bones they can see, etc. Though I am not exactly sure how we'd do that. Maybe for those of us needing to gain or stop bad habits working to post one thing we've done in the day to fight the ED, a thought we have dismissed, etc. I just don't want this thread making people with EDs other than anorexia, bulimia, whatever passes for ED-NOS these days feeling left out or uncomfortable posting because they have different issues with food. I don't know how we'd accomplish this though. We all need to remember this is a support thread that is recovery oriented, not continuing your ED oriented, but how? I know we have anorexia and bulimia subforums and more, but those are not very active at all. Posting there would be like what is the point? I think.

LucyD, I hope you can stay or come back when December passes. I know you said this is an especially hard time for you. I hope your depression starts to improve. I can't remember, do you see a pdoc or take meds or just a PCP? If you leave, I hope you return for an update (hopefully just for a little while, but I understand the need to go for awhile, I've done it on an ED forum - also a recovery one)

Everyone needs to feel welcome here, no matter the ED or even suspected ED, and we need to focus on that, along with recovery.

[Blueberrybook]

Continuing my thought above...I think we have all gone through similar crap in our lives, and that causes issues with food and body image, whether you binge eat or barely eat at all. It's still a miserable lifestyle. Is there anyone on here who does not have a mood disorder like depression or bipolar? It's likely most of us do.

I am going to start with a few positives I did today:
I ate a leftover piece of my daughter's birthday cake.
I ran less than I wanted to in my head.
I didn't step on ths scale this morning! Though I have my period to thank for that, my weight is always crazy when I'm on it, and I figured, why bother stressing out?
I did something for myself by watching an episode of a TV show in a series I've been watching, snacking on Cheezitz with it (I'm addicted to those things).

It's always one day at a time. It's going to be a hectic week, and I am afraid that will affect my eating & exercise habits. H is flying to Toronto on Tuesday after teaching school and arriving back very late Wed. night, so late it will be after midnight & really Thursday morning. H's trip is for the partial share he owns in a company in India that makes nanotubes. They modified the method he developed in his graduate thesis, and consult him all the time, and by a fluke ended up finding a way to manufacture nanotubes with less junk in the batch. The CEO is a good person, has gotten a lot of good press in India, and now they are trying to get funding for the company as really nobody wants to buy nanotubes except to do research, and they need an application where only nanotubes work or nanotubes are superior to the existing method. We'll see. This company is around 7, 8 years old now, I think. My daughter has a choir singing thing at her school on Thursday evening, and my daughter's birthday is on Friday. Saturday, my mom is having an extended family birthday party for my daughter. It should be fun. Both my sisters will be there with my nieces & nephews. One of my sisters has 3 girls, the other 2 boys. Then, a shortened week of school, class Christmas party on Thursday with early release, and I told the room mom I would help her as she is really stressed (she was here for my daughter's birthday party yesterday).

I hope everyone is doing OK. Hugs to those who need them. Right now, my mood is a bit less manicky, especially when it comes to be irritable or interrupting people talking. Maybe the Seroquel increase is helping. I hope so. My head has been noisy with racing thoughts. They are not voices, they are my own thoughts, just one after another after another, nonstop, a giant tangle.

[Blue_Bird]

I've been eating more vegetables. I found a very simple recipe for squash I'm going to try later in the week.

I've eaten fairly well balanced the past couple days. I'm starting to wonder if I have a problem with dairy products. It's weird. I never had any issues with it before. Ever since I developed GERD I seem to have problems when I have milk or foods with a lot of dairy. Certain foods have been making me feel bad physically, not mentally but if I eat junk food lately it makes me feel like crap. My stomach was making strange noises earlier today normally i have a steel stomach. So kind of confused as to why this has been happening.

Anyway, I finished reading the Eating Disorder Sourcebook. There was a lot of useful information in there. I signed up for some Eating D/O newsletters to stay up to date and informed on stuff.

I've been drinking more water because I'm probably dehydrated. I got some raspberry lime seltzer since I've been getting bored with plain water.

I'm trying to stay balanced nutritionally. I have a long way to go but I'm beginning to make changes. I have my first appointment with the nutritionist on the 18th.

Lots of stress. This week will be the last week of the fall semester then I take my final exam. Plus I'm trying to confront some anxiety and panic issues.

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Continuing my thought above...I think we have all gone through similar crap in our lives, and that causes issues with food and body image, whether you binge eat or barely eat at all. It's still a miserable lifestyle. Is there anyone on here who does not have a mood disorder like depression or bipolar? It's likely most of us do.


I am going to start with a few positives I did today:

I ate a leftover piece of my daughter's birthday cake.

I ran less than I wanted to in my head.

I didn't step on ths scale this morning! Though I have my period to thank for that, my weight is always crazy when I'm on it, and I figured, why bother stressing out?

I did something for myself by watching an episode of a TV show in a series I've been watching, snacking on Cheezitz with it (I'm addicted to those things).


It's always one day at a time. It's going to be a hectic week, and I am afraid that will affect my eating & exercise habits. H is flying to Toronto on Tuesday after teaching school and arriving back very late Wed. night, so late it will be after midnight & really Thursday morning. H's trip is for the partial share he owns in a company in India that makes nanotubes. They modified the method he developed in his graduate thesis, and consult him all the time, and by a fluke ended up finding a way to manufacture nanotubes with less junk in the batch. The CEO is a good person, has gotten a lot of good press in India, and now they are trying to get funding for the company as really nobody wants to buy nanotubes except to do research, and they need an application where only nanotubes work or nanotubes are superior to the existing method. We'll see. This company is around 7, 8 years old now, I think. My daughter has a choir singing thing at her school on Thursday evening, and my daughter's birthday is on Friday. Saturday, my mom is having an extended family birthday party for my daughter. It should be fun. Both my sisters will be there with my nieces & nephews. One of my sisters has 3 girls, the other 2 boys. Then, a shortened week of school, class Christmas party on Thursday with early release, and I told the room mom I would help her as she is really stressed (she was here for my daughter's birthday party yesterday).


I hope everyone is doing OK. Hugs to those who need them. Right now, my mood is a bit less manicky, especially when it comes to be irritable or interrupting people talking. Maybe the Seroquel increase is helping. I hope so. My head has been noisy with racing thoughts. They are not voices, they are my own thoughts, just one after another after another, nonstop, a giant tangle.

Those are great positive things you did! Keep it up

Try to make sure to incorporate self care during the week since it will be stressful for you. Maybe the seroquel increase will really start to kick in good and the racing thoughts decrease enough where you can focus and read a book, you enjoy reading right?