[shovelhead]

I do intermittent fasting. Now I just went 18 hours. Time for some stupid food.
I'm not happy that I'm out of my healthy raw foods. I don't want to eat that leftover cheese ravioli. And feel sluggish & sleepy from that. That food will put me right to sleep..

[shovelhead]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

I'm a bit depressed (the bipolar; I have been off Wellbutrin 2 weeks, it's not going well). I ran this morning though I did avoid a 2nd run after dropping my daughter off at school even though I really wanted to run more. I feel guilty now.

I don't even know if this running is so much ED behavior as OCD compulsion, don't know how to tell the difference. Though I guess some of it is ED as I like knowing I've exercised so much I likely cannot eat enough in a day to make up for the calories burned by the exercise I do each day.

But the ED is weird this time around. Before, I'd set a goal, reach it, set a lower goal, reach it, set a lower goal, reach it, set an even lower goal, and so on, never low enough. This time, I don't have a goal, just not to get above a certain weight and to maintain the weight I'm at. Which yes, is unhealthy but does not scream ED to everyone who sees me. Is that still ED behavior even though it is so different?

Though I do worry when I don't exercise that I will wake up morbidly obese the next day. I know that is not true. I have never been obese and maybe was about 5-10 lb. overweight in high school and that was with no exercise & eating whatever I wanted, not enough to get teased or made fun of for my weight. It is so stupid to worry as much as it as I do.

EDs just suck

HI! How are u doing, today? I go running too. I have OCD, too. My daily exercise does seem slightly like a compulsion to me. But I want to push myself to exercise, anyways. Cuz it's an outstanding habit! I didn't use to exercise at all. So if I compulsively do it now, I think it's a good thing. Anyways, nice to meet u here. Have a good day

[Blueberrybook]

Pdoc put me back on the Wellbutrin today. It messes with me a little (makes me randomly forget common words, spellings, phrases, being able to say what I mean in a manner that makes sense), but I will take it over the mind-numbing depression. The bipolar is mixed, so it is tricky.

I ran today, a lot. Ran in the early morning, ran again after dropping my daughter off at school.

Pdoc did not weigh me and is hopefully through with that as these past 10 years I've sort of drifted with the ED. I never want to gain weight, but I don't lose or gain much within a window of 7, 8 lb. maybe. New pdoc told me he spoke to my old pdoc (she's retiring, just working part-time, but they are in the same small clinic), and hopefully, she reassured him enough that while my weight is too low, it generally does not get scary low. There was only one occasion she was very worried & consulted a lot with my PCP, and that was right after an incident in a massage parlor. I think I just skipped IP on that one, but a month, month & a half, I was in a more stable place weightwise (though definitely not headwise).

The running is OCD and ED in one for me, I think. And it's my go-to coping mechanism. I also like being skinny, knowing I've run so much, I won't eat enough to cover all those calories burned.

I'm fine with my current weight, don't want to go lower and don't want to go higher. Just maintain.

And yet I keep running nearly every day. If it were a normal distance, that would be one thing, but I think the distance I run now, I could run a half marathon and do it easy. Actually, I could probably run a half marathon 5 or 6 days a week easily. So, yeah, definitely overexercising.

I've had compulsive exercise off and on since college. I think exercise is good but that compulsive exercise is not healthy. It takes away family time, it nearly dehydrated me to the point of passing out last Saturday, at some point, there is a place where it is just too much.

And yet, exercise is good for bipolar, good for fibromyalgia (though for that they tend to recommend walking). Some sunlight is good for you (but not too much for me; I burn easily).

I was diagnosed with anorexia when I was 19, and I'm 40 now, will be 41 in January. I've now lived over half my life with this stupid ED.

another bad day

all I had motivation to do today is eat

bad really, but I am so not coping

[shovelhead]

I feel strange eating normally. I'm worried I had too many calories..

[LucyD]

Terrible pain in my shoulder. Used a tens device on it and it helped for 1 day and now it's back. I guess I just need a new body!

Barf..
Junk food is now banned from my body.
.
.
.
Here's a picture from a few weeks ago in hospital.. it's blurry...sorry but I feel this is a powerful message.

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by megabytesteve

Barf..
Junk food is now banned from my body.
.
.
.
Here's a picture from a few weeks ago in hospital.. it's blurry...sorry but I feel this is a powerful message.

Welcome!

[LucyD]

Up late as usual. Can't wait for a situation to change in my life and it should this month. It will take a whole lot of stress off of me. Can't wait!

Dammit. I ate a whole large pizza and I feel sick. I hate myself

(Feel like )

I've not had any takeouts this week which is a good thing.

still eaten quite a few biscuits, and I did (for 2 nights in a row), eat the same meal (chicken)

[shovelhead]

It freaks me out how scale shoots up cuz I drank a pot of coffee. Yesterday I ate a bowl of oatmeal. That always causes me extra food weight, showing on scale. Cuz I just want to know my true weight, wtf. Like I feel like I gained and should go low calorie today.

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by shovelhead

It freaks me out how scale shoots up cuz I drank a pot of coffee. Yesterday I ate a bowl of oatmeal. That always causes me extra food weight, showing on scale. Cuz I just want to know my true weight, wtf. Like I feel like I gained and should go low calorie today.

The scale drives me crazy. A lot of my smaller clothes fit me now so I'm glad. Coffee makes your weight go up...wow..I hate the scale. I have a love/hate relationship with it..lol

[shovelhead]

Originally Posted by LucyD

The scale drives me crazy. A lot of my smaller clothes fit me now so I'm glad. Coffee makes your weight go up...wow..I hate the scale. I have a love/hate relationship with it..lol

Thanks do much. Yeah I pound coffee non-stop then I'm dehydrated & don't drink enough water. The bowl of oatmeal in my tummy is weighing me down. It's heavy food for me! Sometimes oatmeal will put me right to sleep.

[Blueberrybook]

I hate scales, wish they'd never been invented. But when my old scale stopped working (it was digital), I went and bought a new one...sigh. Mad at the scale right now because I have PMS, that always causes my weight to go up a bit.

I just want to stay at this one specific number, so unrealistic. I know I really need to gain weight to be healthy, but I don't want to. I'm not so low a weight people just instantly think ED unless I'm wearing something that shows my chest, my spine (bones, which the ED likes...sigh). Found another pair of my smaller jeans I didn't get rid of and am glad of that because I only had one other pair that wasn't awfully loose and falling down.

I now weigh within 10 lb. of my 10 (soon to be 11 next month) year old daughter. She is tall for her age (over 5 ft now), and not overweight, can wear some of my clothes, doesn't like a lot of my pants because I like my clothes fitted and she does not like fitted clothes. She wore a pair of my capri pants for a recent dance performance at school.

Last week, one day, my daughter asked my husband (while I was sitting with them) why I am so small. Ugh. I've tried to explain to her about eating disorders, and while I I feel she definitely does not want to ever be fat or teased about her weight, my being so skinny she didn't get. She was like why not just don't exercise? if the doctor says you will feel better if you weigh at least X? I didn't want to have to explain all about the effects of sexual abuse (physical & mental too and bad and even weird bad - like a near shooting - life events). Hate that she notices though.

I'm better than I was in college. Really, I'm shocked I got through that without the hospital. I came back from 80 lb., maybe a little less on my own, which God, I wonder how in the world I did that, in my early 20s too, so quite young. But obviously, I never did recover 100%

[Blue_Bird]

Has been awhile since I've checked in on this thread. I had some rough days. Today has been great though. I'm using mindfulness a lot. I gained some weight...not exactly happy about it but not obsessed and depressed over it either

[fallaximago]

Hi everybody. Yesterday I ate like crazy: sandwiches, croissants, biscuits, the works. I'm battling both overeating and smoking so at times I feel hopeless and a total slave to these addictions. I also need to drink more water, I used to drink lots of it every day, then at some point it just became boring. Crazy, I know. I will try to do my best today.

[Blueberrybook]

OK, I guess. I'm eating breakfast now though the ED would rather I skip it since it is already 10:30 AM. I ran this morning. Dissociated a lot in my head, not sure what's up with that. Ran farther than normal due to cloudy skies, cooler temps, and the dissociation. My app would announce a mileage, and I couldn't believe I'd gone a couple miles since the last time.

Forgot to take my morning meds until now other than Protonix. I am usually good about remembering to take them when I get up, weird I forgot.

Saw a house already decorated for Christmas. Jumping the gun a bit. I am Christian and believe in Jesus & God, but I hate the holidays and the new years resolutions to lose weight, all the weight/exercise/diet stats listed on Facebook, the fake happy Thanksgiving & Christmas holiday pics everyone puts one FB. Who is that happy all the time? I wish I had my youngest sister's willpower. She went off social media altogether years ago because she said it made her feel inadequate as a wife and mother. I totally get that. I should do that, but there are people I do like keeping up with ...ugh.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Has been awhile since I've checked in on this thread. I had some rough days. Today has been great though. I'm using mindfulness a lot. I gained some weight...not exactly happy about it but not obsessed and depressed over it either

Sorry about your struggles lately. Good for you taking the weight gain in stride. Mine is up a couple pounds, and the ED doesn't like that, but I also have PMS. Period could start any time now, and that always causes my weight to go up a bit.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by fallaximago

Hi everybody. Yesterday I ate like crazy: sandwiches, croissants, biscuits, the works. I'm battling both overeating and smoking so at times I feel hopeless and a total slave to these addictions. I also need to drink more water, I used to drink lots of it every day, then at some point it just became boring. Crazy, I know. I will try to do my best today.

I hope today goes better for you. I can't remember, do you see a therapist or not?