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Magnate
Member Since Oct 2017
Location: La Porte, TX
Posts: 2,922
6 80 hugs
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#221
I ran less today, and the stupid ED thoughts won't shut up.
I tried to take a new avatar photo, but I am looking so gaunt in the face, it's horrible. I did not re-hydrate properly after running a ton yesterday and then a lot of errands on my feet. Though I didn't really feel like it, I went to the corner grocery store & got some Powerade. I am drinking it now and realizing I am very, very thirsty. Blue_Bird, how are you doing? __________________ Bipolar 1, PTSD, anorexia, panic disorder, ADHD Seroquel, Cymbalta, , propanolol, buspirone, Trazodone, gabapentin, omeperazole I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. --Robert Frost |
katydid777
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shovelhead
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jun 2013
Location: Hogwarts
Posts: 36,789
(SuperPoster!)
10 14.4k hugs
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#222
Quote:
I hope you're able to fight the ED thoughts I'm doing okay. I feel like I'm constantly battling myself internally with the restricting thing. It took me hours to decide whether or not to drink a cup of coffee because I wanted to put a little bit of creamer in it and I was scared to do that. Part of me wants to recover, part of me wants to lose, lose, and lose more. I feel like if I give in once I'm "losing control". I did eat today, probably not as much as I should but at least I'm eating somewhat normal. I went grocery shopping and got some healthy stuff. Stopped and looked at the bakery section for maybe 2 seconds then walked on. It would just end up in a binge/purge, so I resisted the temptation __________________ R.I.P mom 8/6/55-1/15/16 “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi
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katydid777
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Magnate
Member Since Oct 2017
Location: La Porte, TX
Posts: 2,922
6 80 hugs
given |
#223
Quote:
I can’t remember...In actuality, according to actual BMI or what your doctor says, not what you or your ED think, are you overweight, underweight, or normal weight for your height? Not to pry, and you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. I don’t know why I don’t want to gain. I’d tell any other person in my situation to stop exercising, eat more, and gain weight. Although I actually do eat pretty normally, I just exercise so much, it is hard to make up the calorie deficit on a normal diet, even eating things like pie or cake or chocolate most days. I hate losing control too. That is what my life feels like right now, spiraling out of control, especially this past year...stupid EDs __________________ Bipolar 1, PTSD, anorexia, panic disorder, ADHD Seroquel, Cymbalta, , propanolol, buspirone, Trazodone, gabapentin, omeperazole I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. --Robert Frost |
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katydid777
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jun 2013
Location: Hogwarts
Posts: 36,789
(SuperPoster!)
10 14.4k hugs
given |
#224
Quote:
I'm normal weight. I spent a couple years obese. My typical weight before I got on antipsychotics was on the low end or just below the mark of underweight. When I got off the antipsychotic I lost a massive amount of weight, now I'm in the normal bmi range for my height. Although I still feel like it's very high and that I'm huge. I've been trying to get back to my weight from before I got on the APs. __________________ R.I.P mom 8/6/55-1/15/16 “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi
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katydid777
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Elder
Member Since Jul 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 5,376
(SuperPoster!)
6 189 hugs
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#225
Intermittent fasting. On hour 15. I like to go 16 hours. But the more tasks I'm doing around the house really kick starts my appetite. I don't want to enter kitchen anyways. I'm scrubbing pans by hand that dishwasher didn't clean. I hate food, kitchens, anything to do with crap I don't care about. Thank goodness there's leftovers for my OH and I don't have to cook him a giant meal! Yay to that!
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katydid777
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Elder
Member Since Jul 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 5,376
(SuperPoster!)
6 189 hugs
given |
#226
Quote:
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katydid777
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Magnate
Member Since Oct 2017
Location: La Porte, TX
Posts: 2,922
6 80 hugs
given |
#227
Quote:
__________________ Bipolar 1, PTSD, anorexia, panic disorder, ADHD Seroquel, Cymbalta, , propanolol, buspirone, Trazodone, gabapentin, omeperazole I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. --Robert Frost |
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katydid777
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Magnate
Member Since Oct 2017
Location: La Porte, TX
Posts: 2,922
6 80 hugs
given |
#228
Quote:
I run a lot because I dissociate a ton while running, sometimes thinking, sometimes not, just being up in my head, and it's like my body is going on its own. Yesterday, I ran a whole mile and completely had no memory of it. One minute my app announced a distance (and this app announces time & distance every 5 minutes), so that means I totally blanked and didn't even notice the time and distance announcements more than once. I thought it was an error but checked my FitBit, and it was not. That's a little scary. But I've dissociated a long time, since I was very young, that's a topic for another board anyway. __________________ Bipolar 1, PTSD, anorexia, panic disorder, ADHD Seroquel, Cymbalta, , propanolol, buspirone, Trazodone, gabapentin, omeperazole I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. --Robert Frost |
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katydid777
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shovelhead
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jun 2013
Location: Hogwarts
Posts: 36,789
(SuperPoster!)
10 14.4k hugs
given |
#229
I feel like crying because I'm eating dinner tonight, part of me is pulling me back and resisting but I need to eat
__________________ R.I.P mom 8/6/55-1/15/16 “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi
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katydid777
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shovelhead
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Elder
Member Since Jul 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 5,376
(SuperPoster!)
6 189 hugs
given |
#230
I just felt the same way, the other day. I didn't eat breakfast. I ate lunch at noon when I was hungry. I then felt guilty for eating lunch. I thought to myself, why am I feeling guilty?
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katydid777
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Magnate
Member Since Nov 2016
Location: georgia
Posts: 2,137
7 10.2k hugs
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#231
I haven't had much today, but I don't have any interest in anything. I am just sitting here by the phone, waiting .
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Blue_Bird
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shovelhead
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Apr 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,818
9 1,667 hugs
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#232
Popping in to say hello. Got a lot going on right now with sick dog and bathtub backing up water and not feeling too good myself.
Take good care. __________________ One way to get the best out of life is to think of it as an adventure. William Feather Medications: Risperidone-1 mg.daily, Propranolol-20 mg. daily, Gabapentin-600 mg daily, Melatonin-3 mg. at bedtime, Nicotine Lozenges-2 mg., Vape Liquid-3 mg., One A Day Vitamins,
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Blue_Bird, katydid777
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shovelhead
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Member
Member Since Nov 2018
Location: up above the world
Posts: 128
5 55 hugs
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#233
In the last couple of days I've done better than usual but still I'm not satisfied. I'm very much a perfectionist, that means I'm really hard on myself when I mess up or even make small slip ups. I will do my best to eat even better tomorrow. I'm also drinking lots and avoiding sweets so that's good.
__________________ May healing waters bury all my pain ("Bridges In The Sky", Dream Theater) You can't kill the light nor lose your shadow but in the blackest of night we can lose all this sorrow ("You Were Born To Be My Gallows", Dax Riggs) |
Blue_Bird, katydid777
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Elder
Member Since Jul 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 5,376
(SuperPoster!)
6 189 hugs
given |
#234
Food & water weight upping my scale weight reading..freaks me out. Then I tell myself I need to eat nothing. My stomach makes all these crazy noises. It's digesting food. I haven't eaten yet today and hopefully eat the very minimum, today. I hate food. Now I have to cook more of it for my OH.
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Blue_Bird, katydid777
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Magnate
Member Since Oct 2017
Location: La Porte, TX
Posts: 2,922
6 80 hugs
given |
#235
__________________ Bipolar 1, PTSD, anorexia, panic disorder, ADHD Seroquel, Cymbalta, , propanolol, buspirone, Trazodone, gabapentin, omeperazole I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. --Robert Frost |
katydid777, LucyD
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LucyD
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Magnate
Member Since Oct 2017
Location: La Porte, TX
Posts: 2,922
6 80 hugs
given |
#236
Ugh! Couldn't run as much as I wanted to today, earbuds kept falling out. My old ones broke, and I ordered new earbuds (can only seem to keep the kind with the hook on while running) which got here today.
AF is supposed to start Friday; I am having bloating from that. Pdoc thinks I am getting manicky, has upped my Seroquel from 400 to 500 mg. Seroquel is a big weight gain drug for many, not for me so far, and it had better stay that way, or I will go back to 400 mg. Actually, it's weird, I do OK on the normal Seroquel, but the timed release was bad, I was exhausted, just wanted to sleep and was hungrier than normal and had no energy to exercise. But most people have the opposite experience than mine. I'm just weird, I guess. Pharmacy had to order the extra 100 mg Seroquel, so I will start it tomorrow night. Feeling so lazy not exercising much. I hate EDs. I need to get back to the point where the ED is not consuming as much of my life as it is. Maybe if I'm less manicky, it will help? I'd like an end to mixed bipolar anyway, though often I crash & burn into depression or complete emotional numbness after mania (I haven't been mixed this long ever, since the end of March 2018, possibly as early as Jan. 2018 from my old pdoc's notes, they said something like "heading toward mixed?"). But my full mania usually ends in bad depression. I am hoping this is hypomania since I'm still sleeping around 5 hours a night, not awake all night or getting 2 hours broken sleep, tops. Though last time, the pdoc got the BP mania stabilized (and she had a job of it), and then the panic/anxiety disorder shot through the roof. I just feel like I can't ever win. Oh, and then the ED decides to run for first place from time to time. I can't say it has ever gone 100% away, but it's definitely been better. There were even some times it rarely bothered me, or I 100% ignored the ED thoughts and invalidated them with what was real versus my perceptions of real. Sorry to go on so long. I get hypergraphia more & more when manicky. My last manic episode, I couldn't stop writing to save my life, post-it notes, papers, notebooks, writing scrawled everywhere, and it was practically automatic; I just could not stop until I was pulled away. __________________ Bipolar 1, PTSD, anorexia, panic disorder, ADHD Seroquel, Cymbalta, , propanolol, buspirone, Trazodone, gabapentin, omeperazole I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. --Robert Frost |
Blue_Bird, katydid777
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Apr 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,818
9 1,667 hugs
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#237
I really appreciate that! My dog seems to be very sick, may take her to the Emergency Vet tonight if she gets any worse or the regular Vet. tomorrow. My Ocd is off the wall from the worrying I have been doing. Can't eat today.
__________________ One way to get the best out of life is to think of it as an adventure. William Feather Medications: Risperidone-1 mg.daily, Propranolol-20 mg. daily, Gabapentin-600 mg daily, Melatonin-3 mg. at bedtime, Nicotine Lozenges-2 mg., Vape Liquid-3 mg., One A Day Vitamins,
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katydid777
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jun 2013
Location: Hogwarts
Posts: 36,789
(SuperPoster!)
10 14.4k hugs
given |
#238
I'm actually doing well today. I feel like the healthy part of me is getting stronger. I had a lot of issues recently with my schizoaffective bipolar symptoms and I think that plus stress was making may have caused the ED stuff to reemerge in such a big way.
The past few days have been really good though. I feel at peace __________________ R.I.P mom 8/6/55-1/15/16 “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi
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katydid777
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Magnate
Member Since Oct 2017
Location: La Porte, TX
Posts: 2,922
6 80 hugs
given |
#239
Quote:
__________________ Bipolar 1, PTSD, anorexia, panic disorder, ADHD Seroquel, Cymbalta, , propanolol, buspirone, Trazodone, gabapentin, omeperazole I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. --Robert Frost |
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katydid777
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Blue_Bird
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Elder
Member Since Jul 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 5,376
(SuperPoster!)
6 189 hugs
given |
#240
Started the morning off right. Gave my dog leftover (boneless) chicken breast that was supposed to be my lunch, today. I find myself doing this, lately. I just want all the food GONE..
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katydid777
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Closed Thread |
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