TTC with Ed

Hi there,
I have had a lot of insecurity with my weight lately.

I had bulimia on & off as a teenager. That morphed into a dieting obsession which I wrongly thought was my ED cure. I have done 1 mo long juice fasts, I have tried to heal by eating everything & not depriving myself which cause me to balloon up to 200# which was insane. I am obsessed with the scale and I change my diet about daily when it’s bad (ie: buy tons of new diet books, spend countless hours reading about health/nutrition snd think I’m onto the next best fix). I know it’s not normal. The few times I could stick it out I got really thin for me, in the low 120s which of course everyone notices & praises. I am currently trying to have a baby. I need to do IVF which fortunately is covered by my insurance. My weight is stable but higher then I like by about 15-20#..
I can’t diet bc I’m supposed to eat 1500 cals / day.
I obsess about how skinny I was at my wedding. I dream about bring skinny, or jealous of thin women. Last night I dreamt about a girl who weighed 89# & i was so jealous, & my husband in my dream & I was jealous of him. Meanwhile he loves me how I am & he says I’m perfect & beautiful. But I see something entirely different.
I work with girls who are dieting - but I see the dysfunction. I don’t know what to do & my Dr says “eat healthy lots of fruits & vegetables”. I have 4 weddings this year so on top of doing IVF in a month, which makes me all bloated likely, I have to fight the demons that say I need to be skinny for the weddings. I’m hoping I get pregnant so I have a excuse to hide behind. Obviously I really hope I get pregnant bc I am very looking forward to being a mom. I am 38 and my window is so small. I don’t know where to turn. I know another diet is not the answer. Maybe I need to ask my therapist to refer me to a ED trained therapist. ....... thanks in advance💗