cant stand myself

thios is crazy - i never thought of finding an online suppoprt thing till last night. Im 27 and have had bulimia for probs 6 years. It messed - I am a vego - i dont eat meat, dairy, eggs. love healthy natural and organic foods. but for this long i have been bingeing on all the foods i wouldnt dream of keeping in my body. ill make batches of cookies, anything with butter melted on it - massive amounts of crap and ill eat until its painful, then make myself sick. i almost plan the day around it - and noe one knows - to be so sneaky, about something like eating, its ridiculous, and i hate myself for it - for having such little will, and no self control. its so badf i get chest pains thatll drop me to the ground, my teeth are loose when i wake up in the mornings, im disgusted with myself, even as im bent over in the middle of it. but i just cant stop - even as im making the food, cramming it in i know i dont want it - how can i do this after the places i have lived in - africa, jamaica, haiti - these places where they have nothing , and go hungry - and this is what i do? waste and squander in such a way? what kind of a person does that? i used to think if you wanted to quit, say smoking - .. you control your arm, your physical body...so .just dont open the pack, dont put it in your mouth, dont light it ,... done, yoyuve quit. But i was a drug addict, i suffered with alcohol.. somehow the mental will has control over the physical body. i cant do it - all i want is to be healthy - i love the idea - i dont think im fat at all - im sporty i excercise - i just have this uncontrollable obsession... it affects my life incredibly - i allot time in my day for these binges - it makes me late, i miss out on things because of these eating plans, i was a lifeguard and was stepping down from my tower to be sick , feigning the flu. I have OCD and - this is sad- i have a calendar - i thought december would be a new month - a new start - i thought being able to put a big red x, --when i had a successful day- -on each days box would be enough to make me stop. once december started.. that was my goal .. now i am even lying to the calendar and every failure i want to punish myself for being so weak...so then ill get sick and think, well i ve already ruined it for the week - i might as well rightly screw it up and start again next week .. but each week its the same ... it seems to bve culminating, and my ocd tendancies are comign back , ive started cutting myself again - at least with my job i cant drink heavily.... this post is too long now.... hope theres some help from you to be had

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macabre said:
I am a vego - i dont eat meat, dairy, eggs. love healthy natural and organic foods.

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That's awesome that you are vegan, I am too and I hardly ever meet other vegans!!

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to be so sneaky, about something like eating, its ridiculous, and i hate myself for it - for having such little will, and no self control.

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Well, that's the life we live so long as an ED controls our minds. Either we sneak around or we get hospitalized or called fakers or attention-seekers or something...we must sneak around in order to remain "safe" in our bad habits. It's security when we're not threatened by the knowledge of others.

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what kind of a person does that? i used to think if you wanted to quit, say smoking - .. you control your arm, your physical body...so .just dont open the pack, dont put it in your mouth, dont light it ,... done, yoyuve quit.

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Any kind of person who speaks and sleeps and breathes hun. You are human, and we all have our faults. It's great that you have seen so many places in your life, try to make the best of it rather than comparing what you do to what you should do...it just gets you all discouraged and that's no help at all for you.

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i have a calendar - i thought december would be a new month - a new start - i thought being able to put a big red x, --when i had a successful day- -on each days box would be enough to make me stop. once december started.. that was my goal .. now i am even lying to the calendar and every failure i want to punish myself for being so weak...

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Perhaps the calendar is holding your regressions right in front of your face? Most psychologists discourage the tracking of diet by anyone even remotely capable of an ED...if we constantly see how we're doing we begin to over-analyze it, we want to beat it, beat ourselves up for where we slipped, or where we didn't go "far enough"...sometimes it's better not to know.

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so then ill get sick and think, well i've already ruined it for the week...this post is too long now.... hope theres some help from you to be had

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perhaps this is involved with the calendar as well. Mounting "failures" might lead to a sort of learned hopelessness...a giving up. And no post is ever too long if you are saying what you feel. I hope that I've helped, let me know if you ever want to talk...it always helps to know somebody else understands and all of us here understand where you are coming from and what you're going through.

Your body could be craving some of this stuff because it's not getting it in the foods you are eating. You may want to talk to your Dr. and have your blood work checked out. Make sure you're getting all the vitamins and stuff you need. If you're not careful you could hurt yourself and bring on a disease like hypoglycemia or diabetes or something.
blessings
ocean13