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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,131
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#1
I posted in the daily check in thread, but I want to create my own thread on this issue too.
So I feel like I am in an AA meeting for the first time, admitting that I have an eating disorder. It's been alive on and off for years. It was active for 7 years when I was a teen and young adult. Then it suddenly stopped all on its own and I was fine for many years. Then it resurfaced in my later adulthood years, and it's been active for about 8 years now. I am working on my recovery, on my own. It's my little secret though. NO ONE IRL knows, and I want to keep it that way. I am far too ashamed. It healed once, so I have faith it will heal again. I am working on emotional regulation and emotional awareness each and every day so that I don't slip back into the habit of emotional eating. I am working on adopting healthier coping and stress management skills. I have another thread in another forum to track my daily or weekly emotion coping skills. I am dieting and I also have BDD (I think). I have been obsessive about my weight and about how my body looks almost all of my life. But I've also always been thin, and now I am heavier. I am dieting now because I gained 15 pounds, I don't like the way I feel, I no longer feel or look as sexy and cute as I used to, and it REALLY bothers me. I am trying to be healthy about this though. I am not crazy dieting, and I'm not being obsessive; I am taking it slowly. I am going to start exercising. I am not weighing myself every day; I will weigh myself once a week to see my progress. I am not obsessing in front of mirrors. I am being healthy about this, I do believe. I really want my life and my health back. Admitting I have a disorder feels so very shameful to admit... but I feel OK admitting it here to strangers who can relate and who also deal with this issue. I am also fairly certain that I am not the only one here who keeps this secret from everyone else and who doesn't want official "treatment" because it lets the cat out of the bag. That's the very last thing I want. My husband would probably leave me if he found out. So I haven't told him. No one knows. And like I said, I want to keep it that way. If you respond to this post, please please please don't tell me to seek treatment and please respect my wishes for dealing with it myself. Thank you. I feel this is the first step towards true recovery. Admitting it, then working on it . daily. Oops, mods, please move if needed. Thanks! __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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giddykitty, Purple,Violet,Blue, TishaBuv
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Magnate
Member Since Sep 2017
Location: Britain
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#2
I'm so sorry, Have Hope. That's awful! Eating disorders are so pernicious and complex. They, in my experience, suck every bit of pleasure out of life.
I'm hugely impressed that you've been able to admit it to us! Addressing the secrecy and shame is a HUGE step towards feeling better about yourself. Well done, dear Have Hope! |
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Have Hope
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,131
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#3
Thank you soooo much. It’s really hard to admit but I’m glad I did. I’m trying to face my problems and resolve them. This year I decided finally to resolve and work on my health issues. It’s going to be a challenge but I’m determined. Thank you so much again for all your support!!
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Purple,Violet,Blue
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Magnate
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Location: Britain
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#4
From what I've observed, ED's are one of the hardest things to talk about.
I really admire you and am cheering you on unconditionally! |
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Have Hope
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Have Hope
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,131
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#5
Quote:
Oh yes. I've never spoken about it -- not even with a therapist! TY so sooo much! Being cheered on unconditionally means so much to me!!! __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Purple,Violet,Blue
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Magnate
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#6
Have Hope
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Have Hope
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Have Hope
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,131
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#7
@Purple,Violet,Blue, Thank you, dear!
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Purple,Violet,Blue
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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#8
Well, it's been about 5-6 days "clean" so to speak. My eating disorder has been inactive for the week, or since last Sunday. I feel good about that. I know I may slip and fall, but I am trying hard not to. IF I do, I will pick myself back and will start again.
Some days it's a real challenge. Yesterday at work there were delicious cookie treats, and I wanted some sooo badly. But I knew it would be emotional eating again, so I abstained. I tried to envision the cookies as being fat going directly to my belly, when I'm trying to lose weight. I did splurge at dinner. I'm allowing myself one full meal a day where it can be basically a normal meal. I'm using Slimfast shakes otherwise for breakfast and lunch, and allow myself a small bag of healthy nuts as a snack in between. So today I feel pretty stable with my eating habits, and proud of myself. It's encouraging me to keep going. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Purple,Violet,Blue
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#9
I really admire you and am cheering you on unconditionally
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Have Hope, Purple,Violet,Blue
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Have Hope
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,131
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#10
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Purple,Violet,Blue
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Magnate
Member Since Sep 2017
Location: Britain
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#11
I'm glad you've had a decent week, eating-wise, especially considering the huge work pressures you're under.
I think I've mentioned before in other threads that I personally found that diets made me miserable, moody and food-obsessed. But that's just me. In any case, please do try to stop yourself from getting hungry, if you can. This will hugely curb the urge to binge. It's scary, I know, and counter-intuitive, to eat more when one wants to lose weight. But it works (for me) . Frontoading your day with oats, bananas, thick soups, cereal bars, sushi, pasta with a simple tomato sauce, wholewheat crackers with cottage cheese, wholemeal toast, some plain biscuits, a tuna salad... You get what I'm saying. It might be worth a try, at some point, to take a chance on filling-up with healthy food instead of the meal replacements. I hope you don't mind me offering suggestions... Feel free to ignore, of course.. Big hugs to you. |
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Have Hope
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,131
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#12
Quote:
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Purple,Violet,Blue
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New Member
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: Australia
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#13
Why do you have to be thin to be happy..?
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Purple,Violet,Blue
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Have Hope
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,131
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6 3,643 hugs
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#14
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Purple,Violet,Blue
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Magnate
Member Since Sep 2017
Location: Britain
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#15
Me too. But it's crazy, and joy-destroying!
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Have Hope
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Have Hope
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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#16
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Purple,Violet,Blue
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Wisest Elder Ever
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#17
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Grand Member
Member Since May 2015
Location: NY
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#18
Hi, I just wanted to say that I'm glad you had the confidence to share and admit your problem, and I hope that you are doing well. I am a recovered bulimic who still has a sometimes complex relationship with food, and I know how difficult it can be. I hope that you are well and I also wondered if you had thought about seeing a specialist who deals with therapy for eating disorders? That might be really beneficial and help you to identify patterns of behavior that you didn't notice before.
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,131
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#19
Quote:
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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