[Mountaindewed]

I did too much walking and not enough eating today. I have to figure out stuff but I hate ham and also eating in front of people. Also I'm legit just not hungry. I'm on this stomach pain med I've been on before that causes me to lose my appetite and I have to take it 4 times a day.

I don't really want things to show in front of my family though. I prefer to keep this stuff hidden. I don't need my entire family to know about my ED.

I am managing to eat once a week (on a friday), and that's takeout

everything else I cook comes straight back up. there is something seriously wrong with my kitchen skills

[MuddyBoots]

Fking b/p'd 4x yesterday. My therapist is going to love that.

[Mountaindewed]

My shorts I wore last year and the year before still fit. I'm hungry but too lazy to get up to eat anything. I'm pretty low right now on food because of my meds. I'll figure something out for dinner if I don't fall asleep before then.

[Buffy01]

I am liquid diet

[MuddyBoots]

So I lied to my dentist yesterday and said I was recovered. I felt super shameful on the way home. Tuesday was a bottom, and now that I'm restarting therapy I'm determined to recover.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

So I lied to my dentist yesterday and said I was recovered. I felt super shameful on the way home. Tuesday was a bottom, and now that I'm restarting therapy I'm determined to recover.

I dont have the same issues, but i had to have emergency surgery today. Ten years ago i was in the same hospital with a different but similar emergency. Its like that star trek TNG episodes of same cast, different timelines. Or the one with frasier in it. Keep repeating, make no progress, but why does it feel like ive done nothing else but for infinity? And while im in the hospital, im like, why was it so hard to "do the right thing?"

[Mountaindewed]

Some food has been causing weird stressful issues for me. I ate a can of tuna the other day and I had this like anxiety attack because of how it made me feel. Like I was legit freaking out.

Then yesterday I had some BBQ corn chip things and I needed water immediatly and I chugged my moms 16oz bottle of water and then some more water later.

I'm guessing this is ED related stuff. The tuna incident was quite a show though.

I'm eating a lot of Uncrustables lately. I wish the grilled cheese ones would make a comeback.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

So I lied to my dentist yesterday and said I was recovered. I felt super shameful on the way home. Tuesday was a bottom, and now that I'm restarting therapy I'm determined to recover.

I lied to my dentist too when they asked who had hit me in the mouth

[Mountaindewed]

I'm not bulimic, bit man do I want to throw up right now to get rid of this massive nausea I've had all day. But I'm worried if I do it once and I do legit feel better after, it will become a habit and it will become bulimia.

I chose the spaghetti TV dinner with the fewest calories, and I weighed myself a few times. I chose skim milk on purpose because it doesn't have as many calories as other milk, I took more pictures of myself. But I did eat decently at least.

[MuddyBoots]

I went four days without b/p, but f--ked up this morning.

MD- do your best not to throw up if you think it will lead to bulimia. It will make you do pretty freaking disgusting things like

Possible trigger:

vomit in a public bathroom and get backsplash in your eyes, shyt/piss yourself while purging, hide buckets and bags of puke in your closet/under your bed, start to hurl every time you bend over regardless of whether you want to or not, hide half eaten (and forgotten foods) around the house, clogging pipes, etc.

[Mountaindewed]

Today I guess was ok. I ate most of my calories before 7AM though and I had to cut my walk short due to my lightheadeness. But things werent bad I'm just tired right now from the quality of what I ate I guess.

I went and got a small single serve bag of chips while watching TV with my mom and she came back with this family size bag of chips and said "Your nibblings got me nibbling."

Way to make me feel like a glutton. I hate eating in front of people

[MuddyBoots]

I went four days without b/p (gained weight) and then this morning f--ked that up. Oh well, that's four days under my belt.

[MuddyBoots]

So when I try to recover my body goes haywire (constipation, bloating, excruciating pain every time I eat, nausea, excess flatulence) and I read this can last about a month. I know it's only a month, but it just sucks. I wish I didn't purge IP.

[Mountaindewed]

I had therapy today and I told her about wanting to throw up just to get rid of the nausea but worrying about it becoming a habit. She understood. I told her about the time I collasped in the shower because I just got up and hadn't eaten enough the night before. Idk. She seemed kinda annoyed at that one. Like I just felt like she was bothered by my eating stuff today or something.

[Buffy01]

I been fighting my urge to eat a full meal that causes me to eat more

[Mountaindewed]

I'm on this restrictive diet because of my stomach issues. Today I had a lot of rice cakes. I ate a Lindt chocolate rabbit though which was a mistake. I try to stick to rice, plain pastas, rice cakes, bread, apple sauce and Gatorade. I was doing ok with coffee but I'm going to have to stop that. Pretty much everything else hurts my stomach. I got some ice cream too so I'll see how that goes. The rabbit was not good.

[Mountaindewed]

Candy has been a turn off since the rabbit yesterday. My mom came home today with SpongeBob and Patrick chocolate bars and I instantly felt queasy looking at them. It was really nice of her though.

[MuddyBoots]

Four days purge free! I'm not going to binge or purge today either.

[Mountaindewed]

I'm not really restricting. At least not really I don't think. I'm just going long periods of time in between eating. I don't know if that counts or not And I'm eating a lot of rice cakes and drinking a lot of Diet Cokes and water. My new stomach med causes increased thirst though. Like I bought 6 gallons of water today because I'm craving so much water and our tap water makes me sick.

Yesterday night until mid morning today I kinda was restricting.

I'm trying to get up the energy to get a tablespoon of peanut butter but I have no energy and I just want to sleep. Plus it pisses my mom off when I eat peanut butter that way. She has fully caught on now to the things I do. Its actually better to sleep through dinner instead.

My mom just *****ed at me about food and how my ED is getting worse and how I need to work on it in therapy.

I really want to go to Perkins and buy a bunch of pies and other desserts but I know I won't eat any of them.