[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

Candy has been a turn off since the rabbit yesterday. My mom came home today with SpongeBob and Patrick chocolate bars and I instantly felt queasy looking at them. It was really nice of her though.

Take it easy on yourself

[MuddyBoots]

Overate yesterday which turned into a full on binge/purge episode. So much for my b/p free streak. Time to start over again. At least it's getting to be 1-2 times a week rather than 1-2 times a day.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Overate yesterday which turned into a full on binge/purge episode. So much for my b/p free streak. Time to start over again. At least it's getting to be 1-2 times a week rather than 1-2 times a day.

Take it easy on yourself. Kati Morton has some great videos for eating disorders.

[Mountaindewed]

The barista got my order mixed up and gave me a large iced tea instead of a small. She only charged me for a small. So of course most people would be super happy to get a $6 drink for $3. But I was kinda freaking out. I couldn't say I didn't want it. So I was trying to recalculate calories for the day in my head to fit the tea in and finally I just drank what I guessed equaled to a small and gave the rest to my mom who for once didn't lecture me about restriction.

[Mountaindewed]

I saw a trans man on Reddit who looked like a legit man. He was heavy but still passed. I pass too, but I pass with the body shape of a teenager and my face looks young. My mom said I look like I'm 23 instead of 30. I'm not sure what to do about it. I can't change my height. Not too many stores sell XS mens shirts or hoodies. I for sure don't want to gain weight. Yeah. Maybe I should just stay away from Reddit.

I guess you could say I restricted today technically. I had 2 Uncrustables to eat. I had some stuff to drink though. It was just physical stuff going on that made me not hungry.

[MuddyBoots]

Three days b/p free, but I'm gaining...

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Three days b/p free, but I'm gaining...

Congratulations

[Mountaindewed]

I was looking at my patient portal for my pdoc and I guess I've had a diagnosed ED since Feb 2021. I knew my therapist at the time thought I had one but I didn't know it was an officialy put on paper diagnosis. I always thought it was just suspected. Or else I'm just still that far up my *** in denial about this

[MuddyBoots]

My T confirmed I have bulimia today. Feels weird. I knew, but, knowing it's official is different.
4.5 days purge free

[Mountaindewed]

I wanted to get a grilled cheese sandwhich today. I got 3 large flavored Diet Cokes instead. Thats disordered behavior for sure. I'm tired from eating a lot of Uncrustables lately but they don't hurt my stomach. I went through my food rack I use as a pantry and really cleaned it up. I wonder if I hoard food.

I feel like I ate a ton but its just from the Diet Coke and 2 rice cakes and the 50oz of water I've had to drink. I haven't eaten much since Thursday maybe.

I keep sleeping through dinner and it pisses my mom off. I did it like 3 times recently. She trys 3 times to wake me up but I am so hard to wake up.

I suddenly feel like I'm going to have a panic attack after eating some plain boiled chicken. Idk why, but this happened after I ate a can of tuna the other week. Its just some weird reaction to meat I've had all of a sudden. I think I can do chicken strips ok. Not sure what else I've had with meat in it recently besides Hot Pockets. This girl I knew in treatment had an eating disorder and had issues with meat.

I just looked at my food log and I had some grilled nuggets on Monday which caused a freak out and some Sirloin steak last Sunday which caused an arguement with my mom over things.

[MuddyBoots]

Can my eating disorder fck off now? Seriously. Sick of this food/weight/body obsession.

[Mountaindewed]

I'm too tired to eat today. I had some cheese around 3AM and a little cup of ice cream at 9. I just tried some wonton soup which didn't agree with me. I thawed an Uncrustable this morning. So I'll have that for dinner. I just feel like drinking water today but I'm slacking on my water goal.

I can't live without Uncrustables. You don't have to worry about measuring anything. I wish they still had the grilled cheese ones though.

[MuddyBoots]

Just b/p'd after 6 days "clean." Almost made a week, dammit. Maybe next time.

Now there's a bucket of vomit under my bed.

edit: wait it was actually last Sunday I last purged so I did make it a week, go me!

[MuddyBoots]

I binged/purged once again last night and I'm bleeding when I purge again but this time there was what looked like coffee grinds which my doc says can indicate a tear in the esophagus or an ulcer so now I have to get an endoscopy. I was doing so well too.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I was looking at my patient portal for my pdoc and I guess I've had a diagnosed ED since Feb 2021. I knew my therapist at the time thought I had one but I didn't know it was an officialy put on paper diagnosis. I always thought it was just suspected. Or else I'm just still that far up my *** in denial about this

I fit the criteria of having an eating disorder even though I was never diagnosed with one.

[Mountaindewed]

I ate in the morning like before 9AM. Since then I've only had a cup of rice pudding. My stomach hurts. My mom wants to get pizza for dinner and I don't understand why she doesn't get things. She is so accepting of everything else but doesn't understand that I can't just decide to eat pizza all of a sudden.

[Mountaindewed]

I woke up late and didn't eat or drink anything at night besides a cookie. I've had 2 tablespoons of peanut butter, an Uncrustable, and a medium refresher drink from Dunkins.

[Mountaindewed]

I'm restricting because I'm trying to figure out this new med with wonky instructions. Also it says online it apparently works just as well as gastric bypass surgery. Idk.

I feel so sick right now. I want to throw up. All I did was throw up a bit in my mouth and coughed. I think I restricted too much today and I can't do that with these new meds. I'm stretched out in bed hoping the pain passes. I ate a couple spoonfuls of peanut butter to see if that would help

[MuddyBoots]

and now one of my knuckles is infected from scraping against my teeth

My throat hurts so much right now.

[MuddyBoots]

My therapist is supposed to get training in eating disorders and my peer support specialist already started

I'm beginning to notice on the days I have a good breakfast and then go on a 5+ mile run I don't b/p so hopefully I can just start doing that every day and be done with this shyt.