[Mountaindewed]

I'm trying to not let things get out of control, but with this ulcer med and when I can take it and all that, its getting tough. I've even been measuring my water which sounds insane. Plus my stomach just feels like crap anyways most of the time, and I take hour long naps now in the middle of the day, and sleep through dinner.

[MuddyBoots]

ahhh, 'tis not the first time purging Meatlovers from Tilton House of Pizza in the woods...

today in therapy we established anxiety is the emotion that mostly triggers my b/p episodes.

[Mountaindewed]

The ulcer med seems to be taking care of my appetite on its own. Today I've had 5 or so rice cakes, 7 imitation crab legs a giant Diet Coke, and a ton of water, and I feel so full despite that still not being much of anything quantity wise. My therapist and I discussed in email the other day how this med may send me into full restriction even if it is helping other stuff.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

The barista got my order mixed up and gave me a large iced tea instead of a small. She only charged me for a small. So of course most people would be super happy to get a $6 drink for $3. But I was kinda freaking out. I couldn't say I didn't want it. So I was trying to recalculate calories for the day in my head to fit the tea in and finally I just drank what I guessed equaled to a small and gave the rest to my mom who for once didn't lecture me about restriction.

Sounds awesome good for you

[Mountaindewed]

I eat like an 8 year old but no one cares as long as I actually eat. My freezer is full of Uncrustables and my fridge is full of Lunchables. I did meet both my protein and water goal today and I wouldn't call it restricting, but other people might.

But honestly, this eating disorder can go suck it. I want to eat so badly but I can't. I haven't eaten out since New Years and I can't remember the last time I ate a burger.

[indigo1015]

At the advice of my trainer, I’ve been using this app called Lose It! which has been pretty revealing. It is intended for weight loss, but my trainer doesn’t want me to focus on that aspect and instead focus on my macros. She asked me to record three days’ worth of my meals and snacks, but it’s actually such an easy app to use that I’ve been entering more days in. One thing I’ve noticed is that, according to the app, I’m actually undereating. I’ve also noticed that my diet tends to lean towards carbs. It’s helping me be more self-aware.

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[Mountaindewed]

Everything I eat makes me want to throw up. I really want to throw up. My therapist told me only do it when nothing else works. Since I'm having physical issues as well. Today I barely ate and I think it was mostly physical but it could have been partially stress and nerves too. I don't really know.

[Mountaindewed]

I need to switch up my diet for medical reasons. I don't actually eat much of anything bad for your stomach besides the occasional chocolate bar or pizza Lunchable. I very rarely eat fried or greasy foods. But its the sodas and coffee I need to stop. And I need to stop eating a couple hours before bed. This is all a medical doctors order. I can't have fruit either.

[MuddyBoots]

I've been doing fairly well. Weighing myself less often, going 3-4 days without a b/p session (then doing like 4 in 48 hours but hey), staying active. So far it's been 4 days purge free. Still obsessing about food and weight but not acting on anything.

[Mountaindewed]

I had too much coffee and soda this morning so my stomach was ****ed up all day and I haven't eaten much. I'm still under my calorie goal though.

[MuddyBoots]

Went five days without any b/p and then had a session last night. Couldn't sleep because all I could smell was vomit.

[Mountaindewed]

I had a Lunchable at 2:30 this morning and then another Lunchable around 9. I had an RC and an iced matcha too. I had some watermelon around 11:30. All that sat fine with my stomach. Then I had 1/1/4 cup of plain squid ink noodles and yeah, my stomach pain and nausea kinda blew up. I guess I shouldn't be trying weird new foods right now. So I tossed in a zofran and 2 tylenol and now I'm low again on food and I'll probably just have more of the watermelon or some fennel for dinner.

[MuddyBoots]

Yesterday in therapy doing DBT we stumbled across that I struggle most with shame and that's probably the source of the disordered eating rather than anxiety.

Even the word "shame" makes my eyes watery because I just feel it so deeply. I know today's going to be a day I want to b/p. I just know it. I need to prep and plan with some skills. Distractions. DBT skills.

Although lately I've been wanting to drink more so than b/p. Or both. A drunken b/p session sounds kinda sadly amazing.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Yesterday in therapy doing DBT we stumbled across that I struggle most with shame and that's probably the source of the disordered eating rather than anxiety.

Even the word "shame" makes my eyes watery because I just feel it so deeply. I know today's going to be a day I want to b/p. I just know it. I need to prep and plan with some skills. Distractions. DBT skills.

Although lately I've been wanting to drink more so than b/p. Or both. A drunken b/p session sounds kinda sadly amazing.

DBT can be used for anything. I used it myself.

[Mountaindewed]

My stomach med makes me lose my appetite and can also knock me out for a few hours. So I'm still not eating much and I'm losing steadily. Today wasn't all that bad quality wise though. I could give the scale a break though.

I don't really enjoy food anymore and I find eating more like a chore now. Like I'll literally eat the food I measure right out of the measuring cups because I just don't give a **** right now.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Buffy01

DBT can be used for anything. I used it myself.

DBT is some good sh-it. I'm really grateful I have the opportunity to do DBT.

[MuddyBoots]

I got about two miles into my run and it was what I call a "hate run" where my mind is more focused on losing weight/burning fat than enjoying the run. It sucked and I stopped and wanted to turn back. Didn't though. I reframed my thoughts and let the endorphins kick in. Went another 6.2 miles. Feel really good now.

[indigo1015]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

I got about two miles into my run and it was what I call a "hate run" where my mind is more focused on losing weight/burning fat than enjoying the run. It sucked and I stopped and wanted to turn back. Didn't though. I reframed my thoughts and let the endorphins kick in. Went another 6.2 miles. Feel really good now.

With the right mindset, one can do anything one wants. Good for you

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[indigo1015]

Didn’t eat breakfast today— I binged all last night, partly because of the eating disorder and partly because I’ve had a lot of neck and back pain lately, which has made it tough to get a good night’s sleep. I’m seeing a doctor on Tuesday morning about it, because this has been going on since March and it’s worsened of late. I don’t feel hungry, but my trainer’s been pushing me to eat a healthy breakfast every morning. But should I eat even if I’m not hungry? How is that “listening to my body”? I’m confused.

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[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by indigo1015

Didn’t eat breakfast today— I binged all last night, partly because of the eating disorder and partly because I’ve had a lot of neck and back pain lately, which has made it tough to get a good night’s sleep. I’m seeing a doctor on Tuesday morning about it, because this has been going on since March and it’s worsened of late. I don’t feel hungry, but my trainer’s been pushing me to eat a healthy breakfast every morning. But should I eat even if I’m not hungry? How is that “listening to my body”? I’m confused.

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I have absolutely no knowledge of nutrition, but when I'm not hungry in the morning I do a quick core workout and then have something high in protein like yogurt or a protein shake.
The core workout gives me an excuse to eat protein, which keeps you full for longer periods of time and it's some nutrients in the AM which should theoretically limit the likely hood of overeating or binging later in the day.