[Mountaindewed]

I didn't do great today food wise, but I made my goal at least. I had 2 tablespoons of peanut butter, 2 chicken dunks Lunchables without the cookies, a cup of pasta, and 2 cups of watermelon. And yeah, a 20oz Mountain Dew, a can of vanilla Coke, and a mini can of dreamworld Coke, too. I don't feel hungry though and there was some good stuff in there. So it wasn't a total loss I suppose.

[MuddyBoots]

Got my endoscopy scheduled for the beginning of June. Little gross, but honestly I'm just thinking I'm giving myself nosebleeds and it's going down my throat (instead of out my nose because my nose gets blocked by snot and vomit before the bleeding starts and sometimes I get up for jumping and flushing and such) and coming back up out my mouth. Some blood does come out my nose too.

Idk, maybe I'm just giving myself the okay to keep doing this.

[Mountaindewed]

Today, I've had soda, a single serve bag of pasta, candy, some peanut butter puff things, a rice cake, and an iced latte yet I still was at my calorie goal and now I'm acting like an idiot and wondering why I feel so jittery and why my meds aren't working.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

DBT is some good sh-it. I'm really grateful I have the opportunity to do DBT.

Yes it is

[Mountaindewed]

I mainly eat LunchabIes and pasta now for meals. But I'm saving so much money. My restriction was tough today. It was a combination of not feeling good and being exhausted from something.

I probably should follow the medical diet I was given in the ER because I am feeling it now.

My mom showed me a picture of my cousins wife and they got married over the weekend. I was on vacation with her in 2019 and since then she has gained massivly to the point I don't recgonize her anymore. Idk why my mom showed me that picture. Like its gonna make my restriction any better.

[Deilla]

I had one bad day last week, but so far this week has been good.

[indigo1015]

Yesterday was rough… i tried to eat healthy, but i was tired and stressed when I got home from work and I binged. It was like i was on autopilot or something. Hoping things are better today.

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[unaluna]

6 months til my next visit and bloodwork with my gp. My hba1c (extended blood sugar) continued to fall, so he is happy happy happy.

I just had a mcdonalds fish filet, omg it was soooo good. No fries, no shake, so that waz a sign of progress. Altho i did eat ice cream last night, so i didnt really want it today.

So anyway, fresh start. No overeating, no undereating. My dr said try several small meals rather than fewer large ones, and exercise mildly after each so your muscles use up sugar before it gets stored.

[Mountaindewed]

I didn't eat much today and now I keep throwing up chunky hot stuff in my mouth because of my acid refulx and I'm in stomach pain. So I'm not sure if I'll eat anything else.

[MuddyBoots]

The body checking's been a bit over the top lately. Currently making vegetarian chili. I have no clue wtf I'm doing

edit: holy shite did I make it spicy. Guess that's what happens when you use hot sauce with Carolina Reapers in it. It's good though.

[Mountaindewed]

I'm not restricting today. At least I don't think so. I had a few string cheeses and a Lunchable and a mochi. I had coffee too. Dinner will be chicken. The mochi made me feel sick and gave me a headache. Or else its my Degree deodarent. But I made my protein goal for once and my carbs were ok too.

And then my stomach hurt too much for chicken so I ended up eating 1/4 cup of pastina. So my protein and carbs are off but it was easier on my stomach then the chicken would have been.

[MuddyBoots]

Everything's going to sh-it. My therapist cancelled on me today. My peer support specialist cancelled on me today. My knee hurts so my run was kind of excruciating (but I had to push on, because, you know, gotta burn those calories). My abusive ex contacted me yesterday on someone else's phone and now he knows I still exist and am capable of communicating with people.

DBT taught me I'm very vulnerable right now so I have to use the skills I've learned to not engage in any problematic behaviors. I'm going to stay hydrated, read, write/journal, play piano, go for short but frequent walks, do some yard work, clean up some, do laundry, do some yoga, plan my next hike, do progressive muscle relaxation, and use the STOP skill and take a cold shower if I catch myself about to binge. I'm being proactive. I have to pick up my meds today too so that'll give me something to do so I'm not around the house all day.

My ED started off more as anorexia. I would restrict and exercise just the right amount every day (not so much that I'd get so hungry but not so little it'd do nothing). I lost so much weight. I miss those days. Now I'm an out of control fatass. There's this notion in the eating disorder world that bulimia is "failed anorexia." That's how it feels to me.

[Mountaindewed]

I'm down to mostly pasta, cheese, and Lunchables. Pasta is a huge safe food. It is so easy on my stomach. I had a Dole Whip for lunch and it was kinda ok but I could use some Tylenol. I felt like a couple people looked at me weirdly in the stores today and it made me feel fat but I looked in the mirror when I got home and I didn't really see anything wrong with how I looked. My polo shirt is kinda too long but its a size small so I either need to shrink it somehow, or get it tailored. But besides that I looked normal today.

[MuddyBoots]

So I had a bowl of cereal, and then another, and then some more snacks, then I realized I had slipped into binging so I went to get in the shower as I had planned to cool off but I felt fat and disgusting and wound up purging in there. Had to pick up the chunks with my hands and get them in the toilet so they wouldn't clog the drain. Ah the things you do with bulimia...

---

I didn't mean to glamorize anorexia or anything earlier, it just seems less messier and less chaotic. No eating disorder is the best eating disorder.

[Mountaindewed]

I wore a T shirt today instead of a polo and I looked fine. I had the normal cheese and Lunchable. Dinner will be the same box of noodles I opened yesterday and a couple veggie fritatas. I even have a bowl that says noodles on it. I'm still carrying around gallons of water but not inhaling them. But I am drinking way less soda as a result of the water.

So today was ok.

[MuddyBoots]

Possible trigger:

This eating disorder makes me want to die.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Everything's going to sh-it. My therapist cancelled on me today. My peer support specialist cancelled on me today. My knee hurts so my run was kind of excruciating (but I had to push on, because, you know, gotta burn those calories). My abusive ex contacted me yesterday on someone else's phone and now he knows I still exist and am capable of communicating with people.

DBT taught me I'm very vulnerable right now so I have to use the skills I've learned to not engage in any problematic behaviors. I'm going to stay hydrated, read, write/journal, play piano, go for short but frequent walks, do some yard work, clean up some, do laundry, do some yoga, plan my next hike, do progressive muscle relaxation, and use the STOP skill and take a cold shower if I catch myself about to binge. I'm being proactive. I have to pick up my meds today too so that'll give me something to do so I'm not around the house all day.

My ED started off more as anorexia. I would restrict and exercise just the right amount every day (not so much that I'd get so hungry but not so little it'd do nothing). I lost so much weight. I miss those days. Now I'm an out of control fatass. There's this notion in the eating disorder world that bulimia is "failed anorexia." That's how it feels to me.

Sounds like you’re really struggling. Take it easy on yourself.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

So I had a bowl of cereal, and then another, and then some more snacks, then I realized I had slipped into binging so I went to get in the shower as I had planned to cool off but I felt fat and disgusting and wound up purging in there. Had to pick up the chunks with my hands and get them in the toilet so they wouldn't clog the drain. Ah the things you do with bulimia...

---

I didn't mean to glamorize anorexia or anything earlier, it just seems less messier and less chaotic. No eating disorder is the best eating disorder.

Try watching Andrea Cox who had bulimia and how she became healthy again on YouTube.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Possible trigger:

This eating disorder makes me want to die.

I’m sorry!

[Mountaindewed]

I don't know if I restricted or not on purpose today. I had some cake at 1AM. Not a lot but calorie wise it kinda was. Then I had to really watch it the rest of the day. But I also lost my appetite after my second sulcrafate at 10AM. And that contiuned all day. So I'll admit I guess I did technically restrict today. I was just so frigging tired and lazy to eat today.