[Mountaindewed]

My mom said I looked skinny today. I've been workIng on things. I'm in between husky and a twink. Closer to a twink though.

[MuddyBoots]

Lately I've been talking to the not-my-regular ACT team members and one of them wants to send me to a residential for EDs. Although one of my IP pdocs said she did NOT want me going to an eating disorder program because it's a control issue and what exactly they do is take away control, so I'm going to try and convince them I don't need it.

I spent last night b/p'ing a trash bag of leftover donuts/bagels/muffins I got after closing from Dunk's. Kinda been doing that when not locked up at night at a crisis center or shelter.

[MuddyBoots]

Possible trigger:

I literally cannot stop body checking, and because body dysmorphia and **** self-esteem it's really fking upsetting. I was looking at myself earlier and I felt 99% fatass but from one angle way too fking skinny. I haven't b/p'd in a couple days but I've been majorly restricting so it wouldn't surprise me if I had a major binge some time soon. I can only think of a certain saying my father used to say to me growing up that probably didn't help that's against the rules to say here. I take up way too much fking space, and I am a burden, and I should get myself kicked out again so I don't waste so much space, money, food, toothpaste, shampoo (maybe I should shave my freakin head), electricity/heat, whatever.

Okay, I'm good now.

[MuddyBoots]

lmao look what a hospital I was at when I was at my dad's emailed me:
Screenshot 2023-10-26 185227.jpg

[Mountaindewed]

I ate/drank most of my calories before 6AM. Then it was only a can of unsalted green beans and 4 squares of dark chocolate after that. My pdoc insisted on raising one of my meds that causes loss of appetite. I told him I was ok, but he said I wasn't.

But whatever. I have a bag of pizza Goldfish crackers and a box of Lucky charms which I eat when I get this way.

[MuddyBoots]

I feel like I have some sort of electrolyte imbalance still/again, but I'm home alone and my car is still at the hospital. I tried playing guitar and my fingers just wouldn't work. It felt like I would sprain or break a finger or my hand at any moment. I'm tired and feel really foggy. Other s tuff.

Nevermind apparently I have the energy to throw a chair so I must be fine.

[Mountaindewed]

I think I effed up something and according to my bloodwork in September a level of mine has rised 10 points or whatever from last year. So I'm not hungry much, I just want to sleep. I did drink 4 Mountain Dews around 4AM but it didnt really work.

[MuddyBoots]

I keep trying to do stuff. I managed to play the piano in the city earlier pretty well but only for a short while. It just seems like everything that hurt before hurts 100x more now

[Mountaindewed]

I got a happy meal for dinner because I wanted the toy lol. Besides Mountain Dew I've been kinda eating better when I'm hungry. Well at least more meals and less snacks. I randomly switched to dark chocolate the other day which I've heard is good for you. Idk. Today wasn't all that bad.

[MuddyBoots]

The kid's aren't alright.

Possible trigger:

HIGH ON HUNGER HELL YEAH, I'll be God today, mofos! although I do kinda feel like I may pass tf out if I stand up lmao... Hep C+restriction ftw!!!

[MuddyBoots]

maybe it's hypomania actually oops

I don't want to wear anything other than sweats/sweatshirts because I don't really want to concern anyone, especially S (roommate). Before my next pdoc appointment I plan on trying to manipulate the scales so it's a lot higher than what it says when I'm at home which it helps that I'm allowed to wear some clothes when they weigh me.

[MuddyBoots]

S literally just woke up, saw me playing guitar much more poorly than usual and saw my fingers having a complete inability to do what they're told and commanded me to stop. Controlling much? He wants me to go to urgent care. I don't think so. I have a drs appointment soon, I'll just ask for some blood work then and we'll find out if I can get by without the IV stuff/feeding tube.

[Mountaindewed]

I turned my eating habits upside down pretty suddenly and drastically. Idk if I'm eating more now or just restricting more. I'm not having any real side effects from it and I've been paying attention to vitamins and getting enough.

[emily1890]

I've had a few full meals this week. Unfortunately, they've not been filling and I've ended up having to eat candy afterwards, but I would say I didn't overdo it this week.. maybe a packet or two each time.

Not exactly looking forward to Christmas, my eating is really bad during the month of December. It probably has something to do with all the chocolate that I end up getting. (also the chocolate I all ready have).

[MuddyBoots]

I hate how when your ed is obvious people feel the need to either treat you like shet or feel the need to "be your caretaker" and try and shove food down your throat.

[Mountaindewed]

I started a vegan diet a couple weeks ago. I've been following it about 99% of the time. The only times I didn't follow it was when I had a soft pretzel with butter yestrrday and I still drink Mountain Dew which isn't vegan. I also had a few Goldfish last night which have milk in them.

Idk really why I'm doing it. But it hasn't been hard since theres the alternative version of pretty much everything.

Oatmilk chocolate is amazing.

[MuddyBoots]

So I discovered a way I'll have my Instant Breakfasts. One a day, maybe one and a half if I'm feeling like sucking up to S. No protein powder, like S wants. In hot water so it's like hot chocolate, instead of in milk (like S wants), with a tsp. of dash of french vanilla creamer. I had a scoop of peanut butter yesterday too.

[Mountaindewed]

I don't make myself throw up on purpose. It just comes up whenever it needs to. But I am so tempted right now just so I can feel better. I've been in the bathroom for the past 3 hours just using it and I feel so sick to my stomach. I just now took 2 dramaimne so I'm hoping my stomach calms down. But all night I've dealt with heartburn and nausea and constantly needing to use the bathroom.

I did eat 2 frozen burritos for dinner. So it could just be that.

Dramamine isnt working.... at what point does someone just say **** it...

Your only supppsed to take 2 dramamine at the most in 24 hours. Not 5 and 3 pepcids.

[Mountaindewed]

My medical issue is causing me to be super bloated. So I had to order a new pair of pants tonight. I'm not eating more than normal. Its just this water retention stuff. Although last night I so hungry I wanted to go to a buffet. I just ignored the feeling

[MuddyBoots]

I didn't eat anything today. Didn't even have my instant breakfast "hot chocolate."

**** you, S. I'm not eating tomorrow either. I'll pig out on Thanksgiving.

[Mountaindewed]

I forget what its called but I'm a vegetarian who eats dairy. I have this little vegan turkey for Thanksgiving. Being a full vegan just didn't work. My fridge is full of oat and almond milk though since I don't like the taste of cows milk. And I'll only eat vegan pizza because regular pizza hurts my stomach. But I think cheese by itself is ok. I honestly have no effing idea.

I'm trying to get back on track with my meds. Today I was fine. I sometimes get the munchies at night so tonight I took melatonin before my Geodon.

I also didn't take any Dramamine today. Idk if that messes with anything.

[FooZe]

The new thread is here: Daily Check In Thread for those with an eating disorder of any kind #4