I want to get better, but I'm terrified of gaining weight

MuddyBoots

I've been binging/purging on and off for the past ten years. Now there's blood in my vomit. I'm at a healthy weight but at one point when I wasn't doing it I was obese (and I lost a lot of weight through the b/p and felt great about it).
I'm terrified if I stop I'll go back to being obese (which was caused by antipsychotics in the first place). I'd rather have a healthy BMI but vomiting blood than being current weight+more pounds.

I have a goal weight and my pdoc said it was underweight and not feasible. I was there this time last year doing what I'm doing now (just with more restricting) so I know it's feasible if I can manage to restrict just a bit more.

Ugh I feel so ambivalent. I feel out of control binging, then I purge and feel the greatest sense of relief ever, then guilt sets in. And the obsession with numbers. There's so much anxiety about food, and I can't imagine that ever going away even if I'm eating "healthily."

I also fear if I need more intensive treatment my family will find out and "police" me and my eating habits. I've hidden it extremely well so far.

I don't expect anyone to respond to this since the forum's pretty dead, but thanks if you do give some thoughts. Just kinda journaling to the public here.

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Skeezyks

Thanks for sharing your struggle. I don't really have anything new-&-different to suggest. I just thought I'd leave a brief reply letting you know I read your post and I wish you well.

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"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)

MuddyBoots

Thanks @Skeezyks. I'm going to use this as kind of a journal/tracking post.

B/p'd once Monday, twice Tuesday, once so far today. Blood in vomit still. I can fit into my old jeans which was one of my goals although they are still kinda tight.
I'm starting to get curious about how long it takes for the effects of bulimia/whatever I'm doing to start. Obviously something happened in my esophagus for the blood, but I'm talking about all the other BS they talk about like irregular heart rates and infertility.

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MuddyBoots

So I was purging in the shower this morning at like 3am and my mom heard me and she said "belly not feeling good?" to which I said no. She sometimes hears me and I just say I have food sensitivities or whatever and I'll talk about it at my next physical (which is in 11 days).

I really do want to get better. I want to stop hiding all this shyt from my mom.

also I tried purging later on this morning and I just couldn't. All that came out was a little blood. I came up with a few possibilities why, but I think I just need to rest my stomach/my esophagus a bit. I'm challenging myself to go the rest of the weekend without binging/purging. Should be easy enough with my mom home and everything.

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indigo1015

I hope you got medical attention— blood in vomit is a very bad sign that something is really and truly messed up in your body.

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Alica

Hi MuddyBoots,

I have been through an eating disorder and came out on the other side .
So I am here to tell you, it is entirely possible and that life without an eating disorder is SO much better than life with an eating disorder. I still suffer from anxiety and OCD, but to be honest, I would still choose that over an eating disorder any day. So keep fighting!
It seems like you're not in therapy, this is the first thing I would recommend.
Your eating problems are just symptoms of underlying issues and anxiety and you will need help from outside to deal with these problems.
So try to remember that your problems are really not about your body or food. Maybe that helps.
If you can, consider telling your mom about your problems and getting help from a therapist.