[MuddyBoots]

Why shouldn't I kill myself?

I'll never get better. Even if I do stop binging and purging (which at this point seems impossible since I get to three days and I can't stand the physical symptoms) I'm always going to look in the mirror or step on the scale and feel disgusted with myself. I'm always going to eat and feel like that food doesn't belong there. I don't feel like I'll ever gain enough control to stop eating when I've had enough. I don't think I'll ever stop throwing up after eating too much too fast. I don't think I'll ever stop feeling like sh-it.

Even if I recover from bulimia, there's still SUD to recover from. And SZA to manage. And trauma to work through. And I'm starting to think that hospital was right when they said I have BPD.

[TheGal]

I'm so sorry for your pain, MuddyBoots. I wish I could take it away.

It sounds like you do not have many supports... what/who do you have in terms of support?


So sorry you've experienced trauma. My heart goes out to you. How long have you been dealing with bulimia?

Could it be that you have C-PTSD which has some symptoms of BPD?

Also what is SUD and SZA? (Please forgive my not knowing the acronyms.)

[MuddyBoots]

Thank you, Gal

I'm on my community mental health center's ACT team, so I have a therapist (who frequently cancels because she's running the whole team), peer support (who frequently cancels because she's a wreck herself), and a case manager (who's out for surgery until July). I live with my mother right now and she's helping me not be homeless and starving, but she really doesn't know how to deal with anything else. She doesn't even know the half of it. I find this forum as a support, and a friend that left the forum that I stayed in touch with too via email. All my irl relationships are really chaotic and not all that supportive (lots of push-pull, testing boundaries, either being afraid of getting close or getting too close and then realizing they're not all that great, etc.)

SUD is substance use disorder and sza is schizoaffective (bipolar type).

CPTSD is a possibility. I really don't know enough about what distinguishes the two. I've definitely had the type of trauma that qualifies me for cptsd

[TheGal]

(((MuddyBoots)))

I am also living with my mother; otherwise, I'd be homeless right now, too. I have severe major depression with psychotic features, GAD and some OCD. I have been in hospital for this...


Life can be and is really rough and

Possible trigger:

it can push a person to thoughts of suicide. I know it does me. Just know that you are not alone in these dark thoughts. Keep posting. I can commiserate with you, as surely several on this forum can. You are not alone.

I went through a stint of drinking very heavily to medicate myself... ended up attending online AA meetings to try to get a handle on it and because I was so lonely.

I'm so sorry to hear you've been through trauma.


It's good you have people who can help you, but really tough that they have to cancel all the time. That must feel really rejecting on some level, at least it would for me. I sincerely hope that they will not cancel on you upcoming, as you need the support right now.


I've read and watched some YouTube videos of Dr. Gabor Maté. He is an expert on trauma, mental health and addictions. If you have time, do check him out.

Keep reaching out here...

And you can often find me on chat, if you want to talk over there.

Please hang in there and try to do things that are kind and gentle to yourself... I know that can be easier said than done.

Hugs, if wanted


Gal